A Simple Choice

I hate myself right now. I couldn't stop crying on the drive home. I feel broken, like I am falling apart. What the hell was I thinking? What is wrong with you Michael Ryan? I left because it didn't feel right, I felt like I shouldn't be there, and now that I am home I feel alone and want nothing more than to be with you right now. I am sorry I fail miserably at life. You have no reason to be with me. Why didn't I just stay? Why couldn't you have just said "I want you to stay?" It's not your fault its mine. I have a feeling it's gonna be one of those nights. The ones where I don't sleep because I am to busy hating myself. I am sorry. Not that it matters I guess. I love you so much, i am sorry you are stuck with an idiot like me. You deserve so much more. To stay, or not to stay? It was a simple choice with a simple answer. I would say goodnight but I wont be asleep. I'll just be laying in my bed being silently judged by the shadows on my wall.

Still

I must give the impression
That I have the answers for everything
You were so disappointed
To see me unravel so easily
It's only change
It's only everything I know
It's only change, and I'm only changing
Lada lada ladadadadada lada ladadadadadada
Lada lada ladadadadada lada ladadadadadada

You want something that's constant
and I only wanted to be me
but watch even the stars above
things that seem still are still changing

Thre are some things in this world that happen with absolutely no explanation of how or why. These occurences are labeled as miracles or phenomenons. I would perfer to label them as acts of God. Last week I kissed my girlfriend for what i though was going to be the last time and yet, even though things looked grim, God gave me a comfort. Something that has never happened before. I knew that everything was going to turn out ok, God took care of the person I love the most, and as I am writing this she is sitting on her couch watching The Wonder Years. I cannot begin to describe how much I love her. I hope that things will start to get better and so will her health so we can have a long happy life together. I love you Stephanie

The Box

There once was a man who never talked. He never got in anybodies way and he normally kept to himself/ Most of the people thought he was odd not just because he didn't speak but because he had this box that he always kept with him. None of the village children bothered him because of the stories their parents told about the man. That if they were to get to close he would snatch them up and stuff them in his box. But for all of his peculiarities the man who never spoke was a kind an gentle man. On his rare occasions with people he would always smile and when he would eat at the local tavern he would always tip a little more than the other patrons.


One day while sitting in the tavern a beautiful woman walked in. She had dark brown hair and her gaze would melt your very heart, had you found yourself fortunate enough to be caught in it. She sat down next to the silent man and ordered her mead, while she waited for her drink she noticed the small man sitting next to her staring at his box intensely and holding it like as if he were to let go, then he would lose it forever.

"I'm Jun", said the woman "What's your name?".

Everybody in the tavern started laughing at her a if she was crazy/ The small man looked at her and flashed her a big smile and said...nothing.

Trying to start a conversation again she said "That seems like quite the box you got there, whats in it?" The man just looked at her and shook his head and continued to stare at his box. "I am impressed", she said "You have quite the way with words".

The quiet man looked at her and let out the tiniest chuckle anybody had ever heard and he bought her next drink.

As the night went on the lady continued to talk and the silent man listened. She talked about everything, about past lovers she has had, about her future and how she wanted to be a dancer.

During the middle of her speaking one of the more rowdy and annoying villagers chimed in. " Careful there lass, he's one of the crazier ones." Then leaning in real close to her he whispered "He keeps tiny children parts in that box, I'd watch out or you might be next!" The man howled in laughter and slapped the silent man on the shoulder.

Normally, this would upset a person but the silent man just sat there stoic and unflinching gripping his box ever tighter and mouthing words to it. The lady stood up and shoved the drunk man out of the way and checked to see if the little man was OK. But all he did was nod and continue staring off.

"Aren't you going to say anything?"she inquired. The man looked at her smiled and shook his head. "Does this always happen to you?" The man nodded and the lady was surprised.

The man was always ridiculed for his inability to speak. The fact that he couldn't use words to describe what or how he felt made him different in a bad way. He was slightly outcast despite his pleasant demeanor. In fact the only reason he was allowed at the tavern is because he was a paying customer.

"How d you handle it?" she asked. "I mean if it were me i would punch somebody or yell and scream, how do you manage it?"

He looked at her cautiously as if thinking about what he was going to say. He slowly stood up and walked out the door holding his box tightly as he went out into the cold night air. The woman quickly finished her drink and followed him outside but he was gone, like he had vanished into the darkness.

With disappointment in her heart she started to tread home when she was about half way home she heard a rustling behind her and quickly stopped. She turned around but nothing was there. She exhaled deeply to clear her head but when she turned around, there he was the silent man from the tavern. He grabbed her arm and threw her into an alleyway. She was petrified with fear and couldn't utter a sound. Then the man reached under his cloak and pulled out his box.

"This was it" she thought "I am gonna be hacked to tiny pieces and put in a box". She closed her eyes and expecting something terrible, but then there was a sound a most peculiar sound. It was the sound of tiny chimes like that of a music box.  The lady was so entranced by the sound she stood up and started to pirouette in place and the silent man laughed.

After the music subsided the little man looked at her and spoke in a whisper, "It is so difficult for me to express what and how I feel because words never come to mind and the ones that do are so inadequate".

"So that's why you have the music box" she exclaimed."But because nobody pays attention to you, you don't share it with anyone...is that right?" The little man smiled and nodded.

Jun stood there for a moment and then leaned in and kissed the man on the cheek. "Well" she said "If I am going to dance, then I am gonna need some music".

She took the quiet man's hand and together they walked under the starlight.

To submit or not to submit, that is the question.

So I have always prided myself for my knack to write and write well. Of course my blog is not the best place to go if you want a good well written article mainly because it is personal and I like to NOT have to worry about grammar when I blog. Anyways, there is this thing called the Gila River Review and every year people submit stories, poetry, art, photography and some of them get published. I heard about this last year when I took my creative writing class and even though the idea of me getting published was enticing, I opted not too.

However, this year it is different I really want to write and submit my creativity to the Gila River Review but I don't know if I should. Is it fear of rejection that is stopping me from doing this or something else.  Most of the articles have to do with the southwest or things of that nature, which considering I have lived and breathed this culture my entire life it shouldn't be to hard...right?

Divine Romance

As I left my girlfriend's apartment last night I plugged my phone in to listen to music and the first song that came on was "Divine Romance" by Phil Wickham. This is one of my favorite worship songs ever, but for some reason I thought of it from a different perspective. The song talks about the beauty of God's divine romance with us humans, but I thought about what the song or at least the title would entail to a relationship between two people.

For the first time in awhile I went to confession AND received Jesus in the Eucharist and again, just like very time I was completely blown away by His infinite love and mercy. It is not humanely possible to describe how much God loves us. However, there are instances where that love is manifested in a relationship between two people. When I was in the confessional the priest said something to me that I knew, but I didn't really think about, he said, "The beginning of true love is selflessness".

It is my belief that every relationship (especially between two married people) is a manifestation of God's divine romance, of course we see that these things don't always work out. I love my girlfriend. Every time I see her regardless of the circumstances I feel like I fall in love with her all over again. My favorite quality is that her and I both share the same love for the Catholic Faith, the sacraments and, ministry.  This is the foundation of our relationship.

However, although we love each other and share a common faith, we are still human and like all humans we make mistakes, I am not going to sit here describe everything but I will share my thoughts and experience that I gained through this. The reason I held off on confession was because I didn't feel guilty, I felt no regret in my heart for my actions. How could I go to confession if I was not truly sorry. It wasn't until she said something that really got me thinking, "I really want to receive the Eucharist" and she wasn't the only one. This phrase had resonated with me and it got me thinking. Later on as the weeks went by I read something on a friends facebook profile that said "Guys, if you want to find your Mary, then start acting like a Joseph". It took some time for me to figure out why this affected me and alot of prayer.

Finally it happened, I realised what the issue was. The issue wasn't what we did, it was how it affected our relationship, not with each other, but with Christ. The center of every strong relationship must be God. Adam messed up because he failed to protect his wife from the wickedness and deceitfulness of the devil, I don't want to be an Adam, I want to be a Joseph. What my girlfriend and I have is something beautiful that I hope everyone will experience. However, it is not just because our relationship with each other, but with our relationship with God this isn't just our romance but it is his Divine Romance.

im not angry with how you feel. in a way i understand what your going through.
but the only thing i feel is fear. fear that im not good enough which i really dont think i am.
i want to help i really do, but how can i when i dont understand. nine years ago i wouldve been able to understand but its been so long since ive been there and i really dont wanna go back.  i will stand by you, i will help you in anyway i can. i love you.

Why?

Have you ever felt like you have to write about something, but you don't know what to write about?

I am sitting here in my computer class trying to figure out why I am blogging right now. I haven't had much reason nor desire to blog recently, but I feel like something needs to get out. What it is? I do not  know.
It seems that anguish has struck on different fronts for people, people I care about and I am unsure as to what I must do, what my role is in all of this. I want to help but I don't know how. I pray for them all the time and try to comfort when I can but it doesn't seem like its enough.

And yet...for some reason in the back of my mind I feel like I know what to do, like there is an answer that I just can't think of. Like when you have those moments of familiarity with something you have never encountered before. I almost don't want to publish this blog, mainly because I already know the reactions I am going to get from my avid readers.

On a different note, things have been going well for me. I have an interview next Friday for a job that could really change things around for me. I have been waiting for so long for the phone call I got yesterday and I must say there is so much truth to the statement "Good things come to those who wait". I just hope all goes well and I don't mess up.

I feel like I am just rambling here, I really have no reason for blogging other than this curious feeling I have. Well I guess that's all I have to say right now. Now to go see someone very special :)

A New Heading

Life ha been interesting as of late. Something ha happened that, although I had hoped and prayed for it to happen, I never thought I would see it actually happen. Somebody, in this big gigantic universe, is in love with me....ME!? To be honest with you, I could sit here and blog about how that makes me feel, but there really is no way to describe how that makes me feel.

I always thought I was destined to be alone for the rest of my life. I really don't have much in the way of friends, and I am not the most attractive person, I also have a tendency to not always say the right thing, but in spite of all of my flaws, someone is out there who truly loves me, and guess what? I LOVE HER TOO!!!!!! Finally for once in my life I have something I never had before, direction. It's funny how a song can describe your life in a nut shell, I was lost, I was hurt and I didn't know who I was, but finally the haze has lifted, the tide is right and there is a wind behind my sails.

Of course, like any good thing in life, its going to be work, there will be good days and bad days but regardless of what happens I will promise to stick it out to the end. "When your feeling all alone, you wont be on your own." 

Ramblin Man

So I don't really know why I am bloggin. I guess I have alot on my mind, well sort of. It's like everything and nothing is on my mind.

I Just wish I could make sense of things, I feel....stupid. Maybe I am never supposed to understand things it's like Bright Eyes says "These things take forever I especially am slow". I don't like where I am at all, physically and emotionally. I want to leave. I don't know where I would go but out of this damned house would be great. Chris asked me to move with him to San Diego and as much as tempting of an offer that is I couldnt. I have to much here. No I think just my own place would suffice. I also wish God would be clear with me. I feel likehe is taking me somewhere but I have no idea where and it sucks. There is my romantic life which I dont even want to talk about. I just feel like I'm am going to explode and so does my GD head! I want so much...maybe that is my problem. Maybe I should be happy with what I have. It also pisses me off that I am constantly managing to hurt the only friend I have. I don't mean to I just I dont know get carried away or something. I am not trying to make an excuse for myself, I guess all that I can do is hope that my friend is patient with me.

The craziest thing happened to me today. I got into a fight with myself. I was in the car and I started arguing with myself out loud. Maybe I am just slowly slipping into madness. Of course maybe I just need some sleep.

Thoughts

I dont know what the point of this blog is right now. I'm probably just gonna ramble for a little bit so feel free to tune out.

Today sucks, plain and simple. I am in more pain than I will admit, and It Isn't just physical. I wish I knew what was wrong with me, I really do. For some reason no matter where I am or what I do I'm just not good enough. I not a good big brother, I'm not a good student, I've been told I am going to amount to nothing in life and that I am overweight or as my grandma so delicately puts it a "Fatty". No matter how hard I try to start something with the woman I love somebody or something is always trying to hinder me. My problem is I fight and I don't give up. Maybe I should maybe I should just throw in the towel amd leave. I wouldn't be missed. Hell I would probably be doing everyone a favor.I just can't seem to do anythingh right, I'm just not good enough I guess, maybe she's on to something. I've always liked my "Never Back Down" attitude I never stop fighting until I am down and out...literally.

I just dont want to give anyone the satisfaction I guess. I've always had to fight and struggle and that's made me who I am, but I cant help feeling that the game has changed. Is it because I fell in Love? Is that like the "Legendary" difficulty on Halo. When you fall in Love, everybody suddenly is against you? I dont understand maybe I was never meant to fall in Love. Maybe I am destined to be alone and the reason everything is so hard is because I am fighting God, or fate, or destiny, whatever the hell you want to call it. I have never loved any one person or any one thing the way I love you, and it has been far from easy, dealing with everything that we have. I could spend hours writing about everything we've been through as friends and what I've been through personally but none of that matters. All I want is for you to be happy, for you to succeed in life and whatever you choose to do. Believe me, I know life isnt easy, but I always imagined I would go down life's rocky road with someone.  Its only been until recentlythat that person has been made clear. (yes it's you)

I don't want to give up. I can't give up. But if you asked me to stop, if you told me to go away and never come back. What choice would I have?

When Fear Takes Hold

disclaimer, i am blogging from my phone so i wont be grammatically correct.

so i realized that i have this irrational fear. its kinda ridiculous because when i feel it creeping on me it leads to what can only be described as a panic attack. maybe its because prior events that have happened. maybe its due to the way i feel about you. but this fear creeps on me and it really scares me more than anything. i am so afraid im going to lose you. i know it sounds stupid and crazy but idk why this fear keeps coming up. it slowly makes its way into my head and starts to blacken my thoughts. and slowly my head starts playing every scenario of how it could happen. i needed to write to help alleviate some of the fear. but even then it doesnt help much. i dont want to lose you.

Something on Love

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

When I was a junior in High School I got laughed out of my english classroom for saying the following: "It is better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all". The worst part was I honestly thought that I had made up that quote because I had never heard it before. I guess for me I always thought that to live life without love is to live life without breathing. I have always been this sad little hopeless romantic.

It wasn't until I became Catholic until I realized what love really is, and how it was always right in front of me I just was oblivious. St. Paul fails in his description of love, not because of grammar or word choice, but because to understand love you must see it. The moment I truly understood love was the same moment I truly gazed upon Christ Crucified. Everytime I see that image my heart melts. Christ's love is the kind of love that bridges a gap between finite and eternal, damnation and salvation. So I asked myself how can I do this? How do I love like Christ? Because ultimately thats what life is about "To love as I have loved you". I think this is what St. Paul was tallking about when he speaks of Love enduring.

We are beings created by love, in the image and likeness of love. Since the begining really our only purpose is to love and be loved. However, its alot easier said than done. We live in a world where love has been twisted, where divorce rates are soring and infidelity is something that people film for entertainment. How are we to love if we never have a clear example of how to love, and how do we know what it means to be loved when we have never exeprienced it.

I can only speak for myself but, when I am with the person I love the most and you know who you are. I want to be by there side through everything, the good, the bad, the ugly. At every moment I want to make them smile, and I want to wrap my arms around them when they cry. I want to comfort them, but most of all even when they make a mistake I still want to be there.  I want to endure with this person. Also I know that when I see this person smile it brings a warmth to my heart that I cant explain. And when we talk I could just listen for hours and still be happy. Even though I am scared of what may come, when I am around them I feel something that I only experience in one other place and that is peace. Maybe I crazy or out of my mind but "Love that is not madness is not love."

I dont know if this post makes any sense it may seem like a bunh of ramblimg but idk it was on my mind so I figured I would share.

Response

I wish I had magic words that could take it all away. The pain that you are feeling I cant understand. But I do know that it isn't something you have to endure alone. If there was a song I could sing or a poem I could write. Or maybe play something on the piano to make you feel better I would do it. After i read what you wrote a song popped into my head:

You had a lot of crooks tryna steal your heart
Never really had luck, couldn’t never figure out
How to love
How to love

You had a lot of moments that didn’t last forever
Now you in the corner tryna put it together
How to love
How to love

For a second you were here
Why you over there?
Its hard not to stare, the way you moving your body
Like you never had a love
Never had a love

When you was just a young’un you’re looks but so precious
But now your grown up
So fly its like a blessing but you can’t have a man look at you for 5 seconds
Without you being insecure
You never credit yourself so when you got older
It’s seems like you came back 10 times over
Now you’re sitting here in this damn corner
Looking through all your thoughts and looking over your shoulder

See you had a lot of crooks tryna steal your heart
Never really had luck, couldn’t never figure out
How to love
How to love

See you had a lot of moments that didn’t last forever
Now you in the corner tryna put it together
How to love
How to love

For a second you were here
Why you over there?
Its hard not to stare the way you moving your body
Like you never had a love
Had a love

You had a lot of dreams that transform to visions
The fact that you saw the world affected all your decisions
But it wasn’t your fault
Wasn’t in your intentions

You the one here talking to me
You don’t wanna listen
But I admire your poppin bottles and dippin’
Just as much as you admire bartending and stripping
Baby, so don’t be mad
Nobody else trippin
You see a lot of crooks and the crooks still crook

See You had a lot of crooks tryna steal your heart
Never really had luck, couldn’t never figure out
How to love
How to love

See you had a lot of moments that didn’t last forever
Now you in the corner tryna put it together
How to love
How to love

Oooh,
See I just want you to know
That you deserve the best
You’re beautiful
You’re beautiful
Yeah

And I want you to know, you’re far from the usual
Far from the usual

You see you had a lot of crooks tryna steal your heart
Never really had luck, couldn’t never figure out
How to love
How to love

See you had a lot of moments that didn’t last forever
Now you in the corner tryna put it together
How to love
How to love

See you had a lot of crooks tryna steal your heart
Never really had luck, couldn’t never figure out
How to love
How to love

See you had a lot of moments that didn’t last forever
Now you in the corner tryna put it together
How to love
How to love

Where I think its different is that from what I've seen and read its not that you don't know how to love but, its  a matter of how to be loved. I'm sorry for everything that has happened to you and I wish I could change alot of things, but one of the things I have always admired about you is that no matter what even when the odds are against you, you still fight your way to the top. I will always be by your side no matter what, and I will always be here to support you. "When you're standing at the crossroads and don't know what path to choose, well let me come along, cuz EVEN IF your wrong, I'll stand by you." I don't know whats going to happen but I do know that no matter what I will always be faithful to you whether we are friends or more than that. I cant describe how much I Love You and I probably never will, but I know as long as you are here I will do everything I can to show you.

is it wrong for me to be sensitive. for some reason apparently society dictates that a man who is sensitive or nice is womanly. ill admit i appreciate things like poetry and nature but i guess expressing these things is bad right. i mean god forbid there is a guy out it in the world who actually thinks right. its upsetting when my people close to me dont appreciate me for me.

but amidst all the chastisement there is one person who appreciates me because im romantic, and sensitive. you really dont understand how much it means to me. your the only person who gets me and likes me for me, i dont have to put on a facade. i dont know how to express how i feel but i will do my best.

i love you.

An Announcement

ladies and gentlemen may i have your attention please,

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

thank you, that is all.

WTF?

i wish i could blog what im thinking right now. but all i can do is ask. wtf was thinking. i just want to crawl into a hole right now and never come out. i mean ive waited so long and its right there but nope  effed that one up. am i overreacting. maybe some people would say hey its nbd. but i guess they just dont get it. it is a big deal and i just idk what happened. what the hell was i thinking.

I wish I could show you how much you mean to me. I wish I could take my heat out and put it in your chest so you would have a full understanding  of how i feel about you. You do a damn good job of that already trust me. But, there is a just a littld bit thats missing. I want to do so much for you, give yu the world and more, I want to share everything with you. Im sorry I cant do anything. I tried, I really did I fought but I guess I just didnt fight hard enough. I dont want you to go anywhere or do something crazy. I'd walk to the end of time with you, I'd search every corner of the earth and more if you disapeared. Im sorry I cant do more. I really wish I could. One of the last things my step-dad told me before he died was "keep fighting". Honestly, I had no idea what he meant, still kinda dont. Maybe he was talking abut how life gets harder but you should fightn o matter what, or maybe he was talking about relationships. Or he could have been talking about when your on the brink of death to keep fighting no matter what I dont know.

I dont know why I am writing this, I just have alot of my mind and needed to get this out. i apologize if I wasted anybodies time.

Whoa

there really isnt any other word to describe how i feel and whats going on except whoa. its amazing how quickly things change. i cant describe in words how you make me feel, it is quite extraordinary though. i feel slightly overwhelmed by everything but at the same time i feel like in the end everything will be great. ive never felt the way i do about anyone in my life.  but you have this way of making me feel...loved like you truly care no matter how big or how small.

 but im scared. im scared that im not good enough, that i dont deserve someone like you as a friend. im scared i will mess things up and i dont think i could forgive myself if i did.  theres no combination of words i could put on the back of a postcard, no song i could sing but i could try for your heart...love is the answer to most of the questions i have on my heart, like where do we go or we are we from. i know that things for me are always better when i am with you. and i cant explain how everything that has transpired this past week except, whoa.

Where is My Backup?

i honestely thought going to sv would really help me feel better before the school year started. its always been my getaway place. but being here has only made things worse, mainly because i ended up in the same place i do when im in gilbert. in a dark movie theater by myself. i feel like im in some sort of fight or a war but im by myself. when i call for backup instead of getting a response all i get is static. i feel like i should just stop trusting people or expecting things. because lets face it all that happens is i get let down or hurt in the end. its almost not even worth the pain. but alas i am forced by the moral code that runs the universe to stick it out. it would just be great if i had some backup.

Lost

Dont get too excited I am not about to start writing about that ridiculous show, this is a bit more personal. You know its weird I was sitting and talking with my mom and grandma today when my grandma said something to me that sorta seemed odd. She told me that "I have always struck as a boy who is lost". Lost, that word brings up such interesting images. When I think of lost I think of someone wandering the dessert wearing some sort of middle eastern turban and struggling to survive. I think of lost in the religious sense as in like in the song Amazing Grace "I once was lost but now I am found", only just without the being found part. However, the phrase that really sorta comes up is from Pirates of the Caribbean when Captain Barbosa says "For certain you must be lost to find the places that cant be found", in other words you cant find something that isn't lost. This also refers to finding oneself in life.

As much as it kills me to say it, she is right I am lost but for some reason I have a Barbosa sense of wonder when it comes to being lost. However, I worry if it is apathy that has made me this way or is it understanding that I cant change things and that things need to be. Now I am not referring to people and relationships I am talking about life in general. You know that point in life when people expect you to know what your plans are? Sometimes you have to just wait and see what happens, and if you are worried about being lost its ok someone will find you.

5 years

You never know how someone will affect you in life. Last Friday marked the five year anniversary of the loss of someone very special to me. Someone who not only helped me buy took care of me. Someone who was more of a father to me than my own actual dad. My step-dad Arthur Kyliavas.

There were so many times when he couldve turned around and just left me and my mom, but he didnt. To be honest, in the begining I gave him plenty of reasons for him to leave but he didnt. It isn't fair that he was taken so soon. Not just from me but from his daughter my sister and his wife.

In all honesty in the begining of our relationship we hated each other. I could not stand that man, and believe me I went out of my way to let him no it. Its probably the biggest regret I have, not getting to know him sooner. It wasnt until his later years in life when we really bonded and he would actually call me son. He is the only person who has refered to me as son. He was so proud when I started JROTC I wish he wouldve been there to see me graduate.

There have been so many moments when I could really have used your advice, and there are so many things that I wish I could say to you, but now I cant. I really hope you are proud of me dad I really do. I dont know what you think of me being catholic. I remember you once told me that I would never be able to do it because there are so many rules, but hey look at me now and I am even considering becoming a priest. I hope you enjoy the rose I got you I know they were your favorite. It was all I could give you right now.

We all miss you Dad I hope you have finally found peace in the arms of Christ, and if you dont mind put in a good word for me.

Pie Jesu, qui tollis peccata mundi

Anima ejus,

 et ánimæ ómnium fidélium defunctórum,

per misericórdiam Dei requiéscant in pace sempiternam

Amen.



War in my Head.

Have you ever felt trapped in your own head? Have you ever felt like there is a war going on and you dont know which side to be on? No scratch that you, do know what side to be on but if you take that side you might loose? I am fighting this battle in my head trying everything I can to not lose myself...but how do you do that when you dont know who you are? Where are you when I need you?

Quiet on Set

There is clamoring all around, orders being shouted and people getting into place.

"Quiet on the set!" shouts the director, and all goes quite. The actor takes his position ready to go to work. "Lights, camera, and ACTION!"

The lights dim, the quiet hum of the cameras can barely be heard, and the director sits and waits.

So there I stand, my set is before me and yet....the words are not there, oh my God I have forgotten who I am, I cant remember my lines. Time seems to be at a stand still and everybody is watching me, waiting for something to happen, but I cant move. I cant do...anything I feel like my identity is gone, and I no not who I am. My role, my character, in this comedy called life seems to be just a shadow, a sillhouette in the dark, a shell of my former self. How can the show go on if I dont know who I am? How am I suppose to continue without my lines or my script? I have been called many things in my life but, these are all just titles, they explain what I am or what I may do but none of them, not a single one can tell me who I am. I just want to be me, but how can I do that if I dont even know who the hell I am?

A little light

A little light goes a long way. Especially when that light is well...God. See I have sort of been lying to myself and others. I never actually wanted to be a priest nor did I want to be a dad. See if you have never met my dad then it will be sorta hard to understand this blog, but to put it simply he sucks as a father. He has never been there, he kidnapped me and left me with a woman who murdered her daughter and then shot herself. He never lifted a finger to help when I was sick, and he manipulated my mother. Now the problem is if you were to put my dad and I side by side you would instantly be able to tell I am his son. I know I inherited a lot of his traits. I hate sometimes how much we share i do everything in my power to not be like him. My biggest fear is that I am gonna end up like him. I don't want to be that type of father I dont want to be like him but I know that he is a part of me.

When I became Catholic I found a way out, the Priesthood, a bit drastic sure but it was a sure fire way to make sure I didn't end up well a terrible dad. But again I hit a snag, the fact that I would have to live pretty much alone my entire life. Sure I'd have serve people but the thing is I never have had a problem with that in fact I love helping people, I love teaching and bringing people closer to Christ. But I am not really the holiest person in the world, that and I fell in love with someone, like fell really hard. So this entire time i have been avoiding being a father because I dont want to be horrible, and i have been fighting the priesthood because I dont want to be alone and well unrequited love makes discernment difficult...very difficult.

Now this whole thing has put me in a terrible spot, because I really have no idea what I want now. During this past weekend God did something he shed some light in my heart and made me realized that my sperm donor was never my dad, somebody else was, and its taken me this long to realize it. I also realized that for me one of the most amazing things for me was watching teens go to confession, and actually talking one through her first one, I helped her overcome her fear of the confessional and because of that it was her first confession in 7 years. I also get excited at the thought of hearing confessions and celebrating Mass.

Before this conference I was doing things out of fear, I was trying to use two sacraments as a means of running away. But now I feel like for the first time I am actually legitimately ready to discern my vocation.

White Page

I recently discovered Mumford and Sons and I  must they have amazing music.

Can you lie next to her

And give her your heart, your heart

As well as your body

And can you lie next to her

And confess your love, your love

As well as your folly

And can you kneel before the king

And say I'm clean, I'm clean

But tell me now, where was my fault

In loving you with my whole heart

Oh tell me now, where was my fault

In loving you with my whole heart

A white blank page and a swelling rage, rage

You did not think when you sent me to the grave, the grave

You desired my attention but denied my affections, my affections

Lead me to the truth and I will follow you with my whole life

Lead me to the truth and I will follow you with my whole life

Breaking Point

i cant take it anymore. i am so sick and tired of being where i am. i am tired of the pain, i am tired of hardly having the strength to do things that nobody else has a problem with. i am tired of every breath just bringing more pain, or the fact that i something like taking a shower is such hard work and takes so much energy. when i got home from work on  sunday at two thirty i didnt wake up till nine o clock the next morning. i barely survived the ben folds concert that night i almost asked for the car keys so i could just lay down in the back seat till it was over but i somehow managed. i cant take the emotional pain either idk if its because of my illness or because im still very much in love with her but i cant stop myself from crying. and the worst part of it all  is this overwhelming sense of loneliness that i feel, because the one person who loved me and actually cared no longer wants anything to do with me. not to mention the medication i am on to reduce my ticks hasnt helped at all. i swear i have seen women in labor who are more cool headed than i am now. i just want it all to end, i want my friends back and i want my health bac. im reaching my breaking point idk how much longer i can last.

I Miss You

where are you and im so sorry
i cannot sleep i cannot dream tonite.
i need somebody and always this sick strange darkness,
comes creeping up so haunting every night
and as i stare i counted the webs from all the spiders catching things and eating their insides
like incisional caiou.

once upon a time i was falling in love, now im only falling apart.

Mumford and Sons

Weep for yourself, my man,
You'll never be what is in your heart
Weep little lion man,
You're not as brave as you were at the start
Rate yourself and rake yourself,
Take all the courage you have left
Wasted on fixing all the problems that you made in your own head

But it was not your fault but mine
and it was your heart on the line
I really fucked it up this time
Didn't I, my dear? didn't i my Dear

Tremble for yourself, my man,
You know that you have seen this all before
Tremble little lion man,
You'll never settle any of your score
Your grace is wasted in your face,
Your boldness stands alone among the wreck
now learn from your mother or else I spend your days biting
your own neck



But it was not your fault but mine
and it was your heart on the line
I really fucked it up this time
didn't I, my dear?  didn't I my dear?



(chorus)

But it was not your fault but mine
and it was your heart on the line
I really fucked it up this time
didn't i my dear?

where Is my Mind

i feel like i am losing myself, i dont know who i am anymore. i see bits an pieces, fragments like shattered glass and i see shards of myself but i hate what i see. i feel like me feet are in the air and my head is in the ground. i feel myself slipping. i wish i could talk to you

Distance

You dont have to read this, just thoughts that have been keeping me up at night.

Things feel like they are spiraling out of control. Physically, emotionally, psychologically. I feel like I am hanging on for dear life. I feel the war being waged inside of my heart, I feel this...thing constantly swirling and squeezing itself ever tighter around my heart.  There is nothing more painful then seeing someone you love suffering and you cant do anything about it. Its torture, pure torture. I feel selfish writing this but I have too, I need some sort of outlet. There hasnt been a single night where I havent thought about you. I often sometimes wonder if you ever think about me like a passing glance or something, maybe I'm just stupid idk, but there is nothing worse than this lingering fear in my head. It comes and goes and i try to fight it but sometimes it is just to much. I dont want to lose you. I Love You more than anything and yet all I can do is watch from a distance. I feel like a ghost just standing there slowly dissipating in the wind trying to reach out but only falling on deaf ears.  Im sorry I really am I never wanted this, any of this. I miss you in my life.

I dont know if you read this still, I know we said some harsh words and I am sorry, I didnt mean what I said, I was just angry. I hope you can forgive me and I hope that you still love me.

Prayers Needed

 

I used to spend time hiking in these mountains and because somebody decided to start a fire all of that is destroyed. Not only that, I cant find a picture yet but the chapel I spent alot of time praying in, a place of peace calm and serenity, a place where not just me but many people would go to spend time with God and just enjoy the solitude is now gone, and the home of the couple who built the chapel was burnt down as well.

Panic

so the whole reason im blogging right now is because i think  i am having some sort of idk anxiety attack or mild nervous breakdown. all i know is something isnt right and seeing as i have no one to talk to i am trying to work this out via typing. so if you are hoping to get something out of this i suggest you just stop reading. idk what is wrong i just dont feel right right now. i feel overwhelmed and i dont know why. i dont even know where this came from i was minding my own business on my way home from training and bam i just felt alone. and that in itself isnt even the problem cuz i dont care about that i just idk ahhhh i wish i knew what the hell was going on. i feel so out of  control right now and i justi hate the way i feel right now.

Still Alive

first off kudos if you know where i got the title from. now on a more serious note. seriously how am i still alive. three years and it hasnt gotten better only worse. i can feel it coursing through my body. how are my tendons and muscles still connected. how is my neck has gone stiff or my jaw break. it hurts but there isnt anything i can do just endure. but how much more can i take.

Dont Judge Me.

Its funny how proplr work, the slightest thing can bring back memories. Whether it be a song, a smell something somebody says. I was driving to meet my brother for dinner and this song came on the radio and i couldnt help but to laugh at the irony and the truth of the matter.

I used to think one day we'd tell the story of us,
How we met and the sparks flew instantly,
People would say they're the lucky ones.
I used to know my place was a spot next to you,
Now I'm searching the room for an empty seat,
'Cause lately I don't even know what page you're on.

Oh, a simple complication,
Miscommunications lead to fall-out.
So many things that I wished you knew,
So many walls that I can't break through.

[Chorus:]
Now I'm standing alone in a crowded room and we're not speaking,
And I'm dying to know is it killing you like it's killing me, yeah?
I don't know what to say, since the twist of fate when it all broke down,
And the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now.

Next chapter.

How'd we end up this way?
See me nervously pulling at my clothes and trying to look busy,
And you're doing your best to avoid me.
I started to think one day I'd tell the story of us,
How I was losing my mind when I saw you here,
But you held your pride like you should've held me.

Oh, I'm scared to see the ending,
Why are we pretending this is nothing?
I'd tell you I miss you but I don't know how,
I've never heard silence quite this loud.

[Chorus:]
Now I'm standing alone in a crowded room and we're not speaking,
And I'm dying to know is it killing you like it's killing me, yeah?
I don't know what to say, since the twist of fate when it all broke down,
And the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now.

This is looking like a contest,
Of who can act like the careless,
But I liked it better when you were on my side.
The battle's in your hands now,
But I would lay my armor down
If you said you'd rather love than fight.
So many things that you wished I knew,
But the story of us might be ending soon.

[Chorus:]
Now I'm standing alone in a crowded room and we're not speaking,
And I'm dying to know is it killing you like it's killing me, yeah?
I don't know what to say, since the twist of fate when it all broke down,
And the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now, now, now.
And we're not speaking,
And I'm dying to know is it killing you like it's killing me, yeah?
I don't know what to say, since the twist of fate 'cause we're going down,
And the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now.

To be continued...

I chabged the last part. Because i dont think this is the end. And if it is tahat means I have given up on you which I havent and I never will.

Lost.

wait, i'm wrong
should've done better than this
please, i'll be strong
i'm finding it hard to resist

so show me what i'm looking for

save me, i'm lost
oh lord i've been waiting for you
i'll pay any cost
save me from being confused
show me what i'm looking for
show me what i'm looking for
oh lord

don't let go
i've wanted this far too long
mistakes become regrets
i've learned to love abuse
please show me what i'm looking for

save me, im lost
oh lord i've been waiting for you
i'll pay any cost
save me from being confused
show me what i'm looking for
show me what i'm looking for
oh lord

show me what i'm looking for
show me what i'm looking for
show me what i'm looking for

save me, im lost
oh lord i've been waiting for you
i'll pay any cost
to save me from being confused
wait, i'm wrong
i can't do better than this
i'll pay any cost
save me from being confused

show me what i'm looking for
show me what i'm looking for
show me what i'm looking for
show me what i'm looking for
oh lord

Memorial Day the Final Part

So I have been thinking a lot about this memorial day and it brings up certain feelings. First and foremost as a day of remembrance I would like to acknowledge my older brother. Who as of right now is in Kandaharr and lets just say the last message I got from him was well...discouraging. I feel useless, all I can do is sit and wait and hope for the best. I miss him and have no idea what I would do if I lost him.

The second person is my step-dad 27 years in the Army and two tours in Nam. Him and I didnt get along in the beginning which is disappointing because the man changed my life. However, there is one thing that weighs heavy on my heart. I always wanted to be in the Army, I wanted to make my step-dad proud. During my time in JROTC he was always asking me about how things were and everytime I wore my uniform I could always see the pride in his eyes. I was his soldier. Sadly he wasn't around long enough to see me graduate to see me as a CO in JROTC. However, when I think about it I dont know how happy he would be seeing me now. I cant even be a soldier, the one thing I spent training and getting ready for in high school and I was "unfit for service". My eyes werent good enough even though I qualified with a rifle. Now I am going to seminary which is very different than the Army. I guess I am fighting different type of war but still, whenever I went to the VA to visit him everybody knew who I was. He would sit and tell all the nurses about me, how i was gonna make him proud and fight for my country, just like him. Sadly that never happened. I miss him, and there are times when I could really use his advice. All I know is that I hope he disappointed in me.

Im sorry we wont be able to swap war stories when I see you again. I just hope you are happy with who I. I miss you Dad.

Happy Memorial Day pt. 2

in flanders field the conflict grew
the din the noise the canons threw
havoc let loose rages around
the death denouncing trumpet sound

the combat deepens on the brave
with rus to glory or the grave
blood stains the earth where you lie
blood red poppy blooms
in flanders field

we have a promise we need to keep
to all in flanders who lie asleep
we take the torch the poppy red
and were in honor of our dead

have we learned the lessons taught
for the who died was not for naught
in flanders field

Happy Memorial Day

a poem i heard

in flanders fields the poppies blow
between the crosses, row on row,
that mark our place, and in the sky
the larks, still bravely singing, fly
scarce heard amid the guns below

we are dead, short days ago
we lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
loved and were loved, and now we die
in flanders field

take up the quarrel with the foe,
to you from failing hands we throw
the torch be yours to hold it high
if ye break faith with us who die
we shall not sleep tho poppies grow
in flanders fields.

I choose you my dear, I do. It costs me dearly, to do. But still, though I think it through... to The End. I say, "I do." I will! for you. and I thrill but thou shall not kill... I am reborn in you. Anew in the light. At night we rise. I dream of the things we would do... It has been and will always be... Only one and true. You. above and below me. one and only. You. I chose you, my love. and sow... The dark pools around those who know. I would do it again. Feel the pain until my end. say, "thy will, I do." for you abide swallow enemy poison swill but never kill. welcomed betrayal of friends. I went down with a fight. yet died alone that night. who did hear my plight? you never came. warned you could never change. you do remain. true to yourself. above and below me. always. one and only. You.

Where I want to be

beneath the roof of sleeping leaves,
and dreams of trees unfold,
when woodland halls are green and cool,
and the wind is in the west.
come back to me.
come back to me.
and say my land is best.

above the heads of weary peaks
where snow lies gently on thy head.
when mountain whispers sweetly gently
and the eagle makes her nest.
comeback to me
come back to me
and say my land is best.

The Library

There are no words to describe how I feel. There are no words to describe the pain that I feel right now. The fact that the emotional has manifested itself physically should show the severity of the hurt that is coursing through my body. Like a knife wound in my chest but the pain is everywhere. Tears contstantly run down my face and yet my mouth cannot utter a sound. Maybe I am waiting for the shock to where off and yet I fear what might happen if it does. You have no idea what I am feeling. you told me that she is always there to pick up the pieces. Well who is gonna help me pick up my shattered pieces? Who is gonna comfort me in my time of need? Maybe I am just selfish. Maybe I'm the fool for thinking that after a lifetime of loneliness I could actually have someone in my life who can be there and help me in my struggles. But like I said I am just a fool. The worst part is that nothing has changed I still Love you and I always will. Maybe my suffering and pain will attest to that truth. There are only two things in this entire world that have been carved in  my heart. The first is my faith in God and the Catholic Church. The second is my love for you. The only two things that keep me grounded the only two things that I have. You probably dont read this anymore, and the only reason I say this is because you had no problem cutting me off of your fb profile completly. Who knew friends could come and go at the push of a button. Its sad what technology has done to the world. Its sad that out of all the friends I have on fb none of them can help me. This wound is deep and the shattered pieces are many. And here I am like so many times before alone isolated like I was that day in the school library. Slowly but surely each chair was taken away from my table. The one I had saved for my "friends" and one by one the were all taken until there I sat in the library alone.

sleep why do you evade me
beauty why do you tease me
love why do you torture me
anger why dont you leave me
loneliness why cant you embrace me
beauty why cant i see your face
love why cant i just hold you
loneliness why cant i shake you off.

i am so weary, sleep is something i do not get to enjoy that oftem anymore. whether it be my thoughts or my dreams, i cannot sleep soundly anymore. i sometimes wonder what the world is thinking or what happens to the world when i do fall asleep. does it disappear and if it does does that mean you disappear as well. if you do then i would rather not sleep. yet again i find myself rambling on trying to make sense of my thoughts trying to make sense of everything. but my senses are also growing weary.  i am probably gonna look at this post and be like wtf mate. oh well rt more minutes till i can go home an try to rest before kung fu. ugh god help me please

Little Did I Know

i once asked jesus to break my heart for what broke his. little did i know id be crying every night. little did i know it would turn my apathy into compassion. little did i know it would change my discontent with the homeless to kindess towards them.  little did i know it would turn my depression into suffering and prayer for the depressed. little did i know it would letne see the world through christs eyes. to see the world mourning and weeping in suffering. but if only the asked to have there hearts broken for what breaks christs heart little would they know they could change the world.

So You Wanna be a Saint?

This past week has been interesting for me, at least spiritually speakin. Socially well lets just say my social life is as exciting as watching paint dry. However, a thought popped into my head today while I was eating lunch and I thought I would share.

So like many things in life if you want to succeed its all about knowing the right people.Whether it is business or friends knowing people is important. We have all heard the phrase "its all about who you know" well this phrase couldnt be more true about everything...and yes i mean EVERYTHING, even becoming a saint.

Why was Solomon so wise?  When God appeared to Solomon and said he could have anything he wanted Solomon asked for one thing. To know God.  Now when we think of knowing someone we think of things like the persons favorite color or movie, or what kind of foods they like or dislike, or if these jeans really do make their butt look big. However, in Hebrew the word Know means to be intimate with. Like when the Gabriel told Mary she would conceive a child her response was "how can this be , since I know no man" (Luke 1:34). Now we read this and think well wait, she had to know some guy i mean she was betrothed to Joseph. Again, this is true however, it is not the word know a we know it. What Mary is really is saying is "I have not been intimate with a man".  So if you trace the word know back its origin you will find that it means to  be intimate with. So when Solomon wished to "know" God he meant he wanted to be intimate with him.

The most important part of our lives as Catholics is to Know God. To be intimate with him on every level. Intimacy isnt just witheld for sex. Intimacy is something that happens on multiple levels. The only problem is that society has equated intimacy with sex. While there is sexual intmacy, the two are very different. Intimacy at the very basic level is being so close to somebody or something that you are connected on a powerful level. The saints werent saints because they were good people. They were saints because of the intimate relationship with God, because above all else they strived to Know God.

There are so many ways that we can Know God and the most apparent are through the Sacraments, particulary the sacrament of Reconciliation and Holy Communion. The first one teaches us of God's infinite mercy, the other his infinite love for us. When we receive Commuion we are receiving the body, blood, soul and divinity of our lord Jesus Christ. What better place to start than right there after you receive Jesus in the sacrament?

Often times we take the Sacrament for granted, we dont understand really what is going on, we just sorta go through the motions because thats what we are taught. But if you want to be a Saint and I truly hope you do the first thing you should do is start to Know God. If this is a struggle fear not! The best place to start is crack open the bible or read about the saints. Dont forget while they were great heros of faith they were also human to, and they all made mistakes, but God uses their mistakes to help us, the future church to learn to run to God when we mess up so we can get back up again.

Remember if you Know the right people, then you will stay on the right path.

Quick Thought

dear jesus,

thanks for loving me even tho nobody really cares except for one person. im sorry for always letting you done but i firmly resolve to be a better person

love,

michael

A humble request

Dear God,

Please, its been to long since i have had a restful sleep. Dark have been my dreams of late, and I cannot shake this demon. I have no one, therefore all of my trust Lord i have placed in you, I ask you Lord please allow me to have a peaceful night. If it is your will that I suffer so, then so be it. I just dont know how much more I can take. Dreams were the only place where rea;ity wasnt an issue. A place where I was never alone and I was happy. God, I know everything is for the better of your people, but my heart weighs heavy with these past events.  There has not been a day that has gone by where I havent thought about everything that has happened, and yet, there is nothing I can do. I try so hard Lord I truly do but so much reminds me of what was had, of how I always found comfort when you spoke through her. but now, I am aloneand trying so hard to rely solely on you andi fear that i cannot hold out much longer God please help me, give me the strength and the courage i need, please take away these dark thoughts and bad dreams, Lord God pleas grant me a restful night and a peaceful death.

I Love you,
Michael

p.s. watch over the ones whom I love and guide them through their struggles, and let them know that I will always help them if they need them.

Just in case, I will leave my things packed
So I can run away

I cannot trust these voices I don't have a line of prospects that can give some kind of peace
There is nothing left to cling to that can bring me sweet release
I have no fear of drowning
It's the breathing that's taking all this work

Do you know what I mean when I say, "I don't want to be alone"?
What I mean when I say, "I don't want to be alone"

Empty spaces with shadows hit by streetlights
Warnings signs and weight of tired conversations
In the absence of a shoulder, in the abscess of a thief
On the brink of this destruction, on the eve of bittersweet
Now all the demons look like prophets and I'm living out
Every word they speak, every word they speak

Do you know what I mean when I say, "I don't want to be alone"?
What I mean when I say, "I don't want to be alone"
What I mean when I say, "I don't want to be alone"

Do you know what I mean when I say, "I don't want to be alone"?
What I mean when I say, "I don't want to be alone"
What I mean when I say, "I don't want to be alone"
Alone, alone, I don't want to be alone

I have no fear of drowning
It's the breathing that's taking all this work

 



Hic Sunt Dracones

So today after my last day of class for the summer I wanted to go to the movies. I thought about what i wanted to see but I settled for "There Be Dragons".  I couldve gone to see Thor or something else but for some reason I really wanted to see this movie. The movie was about the life of St. Josehmaria Escriva someone who until now I honestly had never heard of.  He founded an organization called Opus Dei (Gods Work) and was a man of true courage in during the Spanish Civil War. However, I am not blogging to tell you about the movie want to talk about one particular scene.

Josehmaria was in an infirmary speaking to a dying man, someone who had been a family friend and worked in his fathers chocolate factory, he had known the Saint since he was a child. As he lay on his death bed speaking with St. Josehmaria, the Saint laid a Crucifix and some holy oil on the mans nightstand.

The man looked at Josehmaria and said, "That wont work for me, I am Jewish".  Josehmaria replied "The love of my life is Jewish as well."

Then there was a pause and the dyingm an looked into the young priest eyes and tears started to well up in his eyes (and mine as well). The man looked at the young priest and said, "You know I was so scared I was going to die alone."  He reached out and grabbed Josehmaria's hand and asked if he would pray with him, the young priest tightened his grip and started praying in english while the old man started prayingin hebrew.
I started bawling in the movie theater during this scene. For me two things hit me. The first was that God will NEVER abandon his people and two. I want to do what Josehmaria did.  I really cant describe what I felt or what happened in this scene but it was so beautiful and moving all I could do was cry. Maybe its because it reminded me of when my step-dad was in the hospital or maybe it was knowing that God did something amazing through that priest.  I can promise that this scene will never leave my memory it has been branded into my mind. I reccomend that whoever reads this sees the movie There be Dragons. It wont be a movie you ever forget.

iunconditional without condition or restraint. one thing that people dont get is the way i work. for me the hardest thing is not being there for people i love and care about. when i tell someone i love them it isnt something i say lightly. i mean lets face it i had sex with my ex and i never told her i loved her. to me words mean alot the tone of them the implication the magnitutde. maybe i take words to seriously but nonethless they are important to me. three words that i never use loosel...i love you. to me there is to much responsibility and importance to go around saying it without thinking. excluding family there are only six people who i have told those words to.

stephanie gonzalez
erin rebello
christopher lavoy
jacob lane
richard rivera
jc henson.

let me help you to understand why so few have heard me say those words. when i tell someone i love them it isnt only during good times i am not a fairweather friend. love is a life long commitment. no matter what happens. anyone of those six people could stab me in the back beat me up and throw me in a ditch and my love for them would never cease nor would it be any less. i love people more than i love myself. the hardest thing is when someone i love is hurting and there is nothing i can do. i worry all the time about my loved ones. regardless of how things have turned out currently nothing changes the fact that i am here and that no matter what i will always love them. i know some of them dont want me in their lives but please understand i am never gone i am always here. i love you all so much you six hold such a special place in my heart and always will. and you will always have my love and friendship with out restraint or limits it will always be unconditional. i hope when my two avid readers read this they find comfort in knowing that.

Something I think we all Could Uses Right Now

    “My daughter, I want to teach you about spiritual warfare. Never trust in yourself, but abandon yourself totally to My will…Do not bargain with any temptation; lock yourself immediately in My Heart and, at the first opportunity, reveal the temptation to the confessor. Put your self-love in the last place, so that it does not taint your deeds. Bear with yourself with great patience. Do not neglect interior mortifications… Shun murmurers like a plague. Let all act as they like; you are to act as I want you to.      …If someone causes you trouble, think what good you can do for the person who caused you to suffer. Do not pour out your feelings. Be silent when you are rebuked. Do not ask everyone’s opinion, but only the opinion of your confessor; be as frank and simple as a child with him. Do not become discouraged by ingratitude. Do not examine with curiosity the roads down which I lead you. When boredom and discouragement beat against your heart, run away from yourself and hide in My heart. Do not fear struggle; courage itself often intimidates temptations, and they dare not attack us.      Always fight with the deep conviction that I am with you. Do not be guided by feeling, because it is not always under your control; but all merit lies in the will… I will not delude you with prospects of peace and consolations; on the contrary, prepare for great battles. Know that you are now on a great stage where all heaven and earth are watching you. Fight like a knight, so that I can reward you. Do not be unduly fearful, because you are not alone. —Diary of St. Maria Faustina Kowalska, Divine Mercy in My Soul, n. 1760

Nightmares

it happened again, ive been having the same reoccuring nightmare fore some months now but this time it was different...

its a rainy day the weather is cold and i am upstairs on fb. the doorbell rings and my mom answers. i look down to see who it is and it is a man wearing a white navy uniform. my heart dropped and i knew exactly why he was at our house. he tells my mom to sit down and she complies. everything goes quiet except the words that come from his mouth. im sorry for your loss he says and there is a clash of thunder in the distance. he goes on talking about he served his country proudly in a pseudo sympathetic voice...well not pseudo but it was well rehearsed. his eyes meet mine and my legs nearly give out. but i cant be weak not in front of my mother i have to stay strong. time goes by and i am in my room...alone and no one to go too. the rain is coming down hard  and i am scared. i dont know what to do there was only one person i could turn too. i grab my keys and run out the door. the rain is coming down hard and i can barely see. i pull into the apartment complex and i park in any space i dont care if my car gets towed i just need someon to comfort me. i run to your door hysterical on the verge of breaking and i start knocking on it...no pounding. you open the door slowly and look me in the eyes. i tell you my brothers deadand i need someone. after a moments pause you look at me and say. michael im sorry but i cant help you with this goodbye. the dorr slams in my face and i am left all alone with no one to go too. i awoke from my dream when i took a nap and when i did i realized i was sweating and tears were in my eyes.

its only a dream...right

Thoughts

So for the past like two weeks I have listened to nothing except Conor Oberst and all i have tosay is WOW. I truly wish I could come up with lyrics like this man. He has increased a desire in me that has festered within my soul for a  long time and that is..to learn how to play guitar.

Fact is I want to sing. I want to sing about all the shit I"ve been put through my entire life. I want my lyrics to inspire deep thought and contemplation. I want there to be philisophic meaning to my words. I want people to know about my strife and my heart ache. I want people to know about my struggle with this Goddamn disease I have had since third grade. I wish I could say its gone away but it hasnt't. I have no idea how long I am gonna live, but does it matter..no?

People worry and stress so much about death, and all i can ask myself is, why? Death is natural it happens to all of us we worry so much about something so trivial. My only legitimat concern would be my family, but hey thats what life insurance is for. All I know is if I am lucky to make it to Purgatory then there is nothing I would want here on this eart. The idea of being happy for eternity is so beautiful. See I have never known true happiness and I probably wont till I am dead, well nobody will until they are dead and kickin it with Jesus.  I would say the worst part is you cant advance your death as in suicied =  bad idea.

But who among us hasnt thought about it at some point in our lives? The idea of what is on the otherside, to stand face to face with God even for a moment would be...well words couldnt describe. But alas it is one of those things we have to wait for.

I feel like rambling tonight. Se all of my friends are mad, upset, disgusted, taken aback...whatever by recent events Of course I guess I cant blame them. However, none of them will ever truly understand why things happened the way they did. There is a bit of bitter sweet comfort of being one of the two people who will ever truly  understand why this has all happened. Of course i feel like the reaction that has been drawn out by all the people is slightly disappointing and..predicatable?

I expected myself to be vilified and looked down on but I just thought that people would have reacted...better. Not that one can really control a reaction per se, a reaction is simply something that just well, happens. A natural inclination to think or act in some way do to basic human instinct, that is what a reaction is, almost like a reflex of the mind. But nonetheless it is what it is. Now it is simply a matter of time before things willbe made right. Amends will be made and things will  be semi-normal. Of course I know what my two well possibly avid readers are thinking. "There is no way things will ever be normal" or "he is crazy". And yet they fail to think about one major factor in this whole fiasco and that is simply God.

See I understand how hard hearted everyone is but I know that God will chizzle away at the stone that surroundes peoples hearts and then something will happen. What is that something you ask? I think I will wait and let you all find out for yourselves, but I will say, it wont be what you expect. See this whole FUBAR situation I have been relying on the wrong person. I have focused my efforts away from where they should have been focused this entire time, but God has revealed something to me. It is a plan you see, and all I can do is trust in him and do that thing I hate doing....Wait

To my readers thank you for putting up with my seemingly incoherent babbling I love you both. Have a good night/day. Oh and make sure when you read this the person in your head has a british accent. Makes it seem proper toodle loo.

Like it Matters.

idk who is still reading this if anyone. but for what its worth the four of you mean the world to me im sorry for everything.

i keep going back to what you wrote and each time i find myself more frustrated and confused. you make it seem like i mad you out to be a bad person i never did that. i never said anything bad about you. when anyone asked i always made a point to try and take all the blame. tried to make me the bad guy. but part of me feels like its not fair. its not fair the way im being treated by everyone. its not fair damnit. i tried so hard, so hard to give you what you needed. bit everytime i needed someone everytime i needed a friend. nobody had the time. and still nobody has the time. do you have any idea how hard this is. how ashamed i am or how sorry i am.  do you even care anymore. if you dont its ok just let tell me so i know. im tired of hurting im tired, of this aching heart.  and you arent all to blame. i shouldve listened but, im stubborn. its ok if you dont forgive me. its ok if you dont ever want to be my friend again. do i think its fair. no, but what i think doesnt matter anymore i guess.

god, please let me know im still the love of your life, i know you make my heart your home, but i still feel alone...

lies, deceit, is that all you see in me now. is that all i am to everyone. you dont think i see the fault in my actions. you accuse me of taking advantage of you, when you told me how you felt. you dont think i tried. i did, i really did. but you told me how alone you were, how you feel surrounded by people yet isolated. what did you expect. did i fail to use better judgement. ya i did, but to say i took advantage to say i waited like some sick predator you dont have to believ that i care hell you dont even have to think about me at all. you think i wanted this. do you really think a kiss to me is worth losing our friendship over. you told me you wanted me to. you knew how i felt and how hopeless of a romantic i am, not that that has anything to do with it. this isnt just your fault or my fault, the blame is equal. do you want to know why im mad. becaus people who were my friends all vilify me now. to you and them im some sort of sick predator lurking or a horrible person or whatever it is you want tp call me. i didnt want you to be alone i did want you to hurt, i didnt want to be alone i didnt want to hurt. i tried to give you your space i really did but when you tell me you are hurting or when i hear that you cam close to cutting, do you expect me to sit around and do nothing. come on you know me better than that.

i know you dont believe me when i say i didnt want any of this.  everything ive done ive tried to do for you. but it doesnt matter anymore, you have your boyfriend and your best friend and your happy.

My thoughts

Is it wrong for me to disappear?
Is wrong to want to be far from hear?
Is it fair that no one ever cares?
Is it fair for me to feel the pain I bare...alone?
Is there no one who can empathize?
Will everyone just criticize?
Do they not see my broken heart beating?
Can anyone see the love its bleading?
Can no one tell I feel alone in this world?
Or does it just not matter?
Is happiness within reach?
Or is it always out of my grasp?
How much more of this can my heart take?
Before it shatters, before it breaks.

And what use would it be,
to God or to me,
if my heart breaks permanently
beyond repair?

Is it true what they say,
that you can fix anything?
I simply oh God so great
To stop this heartache
Is it so much to ask for?
Am I out of line?
Ask and it will be given,
So please God I dont ask much
Just please I need this...

Best non - country country song

I was born on Snake Hill
And that's where I'll probably die
Because I don't like to kill
But I've got poison in my bite

Well, I feel safe to say
That I should probably stay upon Snake Hill

My mother told me, "Son, you've got strychnine in your blood
It comes from pedigree ancestory"
She warned me not to grieve
Said my concience was too deep
That when I bite
It would hurt mostly me

For many many years
I stayed up on that hill
Occasionaly I'd go down to the edge
To see what I could see
So curiousty got the best of me

Its a big world and it's not fair to me
To stay up there when there's so much to see
I want to play with others that I need to meet

Poison will be poison until it's through
Soon I hit the world
I discovered that a girl
Was what my mother tried to hide from me
She could make you feel alive
She could make you want to die
And that's exactly what she did to me

And it was only self defense
And I coiled up and I bit
I let my venom run into her veins
And I sat and watched her die
Then I realized I was born on Snake Hill
And that's where I'll probably die
Because I don't like to kill
But I've got poison in my bite
Well, I feel safe to say
That I should probably stay upon Snake Hill
And it's a big world and it's not fair to me
To have to stay when there's so much to see
I want to play with others that I need to meet

And poison will be poison until it's through
Poison will be poison until it's through
Poison will be poison until it's through
Poison will be poison until it's through

One Whole Year

so its been an entire year since i have become catholic. and i am surprised im still here. its been the hardest time of my life spiritually and emotionally. i remember when it happened we are all so happy. we were like a family and we all loved each other. and now look where we are. we are broken well at least i am i cant speak for everyone else. but we are drifting apart.  or maybe its just me. maybe im the one changing and everyone else is staying the same or maybe its the opposite. idk whats happening but i do know i feel alone. abandoned. not just by my friends but i feel like god is just watching. ive been praying so fervently lately and so desperately but i feel likes its falling on deaf ears. although i guess i am to blame for this mess big surprise there.  idk what to fo anymore. pray i guess. but is it even right for me to pray for things to be like they were. where you know we were friends and actually cared about each other. when we talked and spent time together. but maybe this is what god wants idk. am i the only one that thinks things have gone bad. oh happy easter.

Sick

Lord God, my saviour,

  I have cried out to you by day and by night.

Let my prayer come before you:

  turn your ear to my request.

For my soul is full of evils,

  my life has come close to its end.

I am counted with those who go down to the pit:

  I am left without help.

I am one of the dead,

  like the murdered who sleep in their tombs,

who lie there forgotten,

  cut off from your care.

You have thrust me down into the pit,

  to the gloom and the shadow of death.

Your anger weighs heavy upon me;

  you have drowned me under your waves.

You have taken my friends away from me:

  you have made me hateful in their sight,

  I am shut in, I may not go out.

My eyes are weak from my sufferings.

I have called to you, Lord, all the day;

  I have stretched out my hands to you.

Is it for the dead that you perform your wonders?

  Will the ghosts rise up and proclaim you?

In the tomb, will they tell of your kindness?

  Will they tell of your faithfulness in the place of the lost?

Will your wonders be known in the darkness,

  or your righteousness in the land of oblivion?

And so I have called out to you, Lord,

  and in the morning my prayer will come before you.

With what purpose, Lord, do you reject my soul?

  Why do you hide your face from me?

I am poor; from my youth I have been dying;

  I have borne the terrors you sent, I am lost in confusion.

Your anger has overrun me, your terrors have broken me:

  they have flowed round me like water,

  they have besieged me all the day long.

You have taken my friends and those close to me:

  all I have left is shadows.

 

Idk what to do all I know is this is how I feel. Alone and abandoned.

 

Lord forgive me for my selfishiness. Forgive me for my deisres, For give me for the damage I've caused, Forgive me for turning from you. Forgive me for running away like your disciples, forgive me for my lack of faith, forgive me for the agony you felt in the garden, forgive me for betraying you and my friends.  Forgive me for the pain I've caused others. Lord lease ave mercy on me for I am a sinner. I betrayed you, I beat you, I whipped you, I mocked and spat on you, I crowned you with thorns. I nailed you on the cross and left you to die. Please forgive me. 

 

Lost, everything is lost
And everything I've loved before is gone
Alone like the coming of the frost
And a cold winter's chill in my stony heart

And where were You when all that I've hoped for?
Where You when all that I've dreamed
Came crashing down in shambles around me?

Pain, could you take away the pain?
If I find someone to blame, would it make my life seem easier?
Alone, all my friends are asleep
And I can't find anyone to stay awake with me

Where were You when sin stole my innocence?
Where were You when I was ashamed?
Hiding in a life, I wish, I never made
you were on the Cross....

 

Im sorry.

well once again i find myself in isolation. no one home, no one to talk too. no one who will listen. no one who cares. maybe i am just feeling sorry for myself. but right now i dont care. when your the problem in everyones life. no one else is so i want this moment of self pity. i dont care how pathetic i am. i was actually happy before and well now i sorta messed it all up. could be worse i guess there are always worse situations. but most of the time peopl or victims of enviroment of circumstance. me, im just a victim of myself. the fight has always been me against me. you are your hardest opponent you all your mo es and echniques. and well i lost one ov my allies in this whole process. so tha brings me to where i am now. laying bed blogging on my phone. blaming myself and love for everything that has transpired. i though i could find it and fix things. instead i lost and destroyed everything

Crossroads of Destiny

well i guess this is it. we were bound to come to this point anyway right. i dont want to be here. i dont want to be alone. but i guess its the price i pay. after all i am a hopeless romantic meaning. i have no hope. i think it is also synonomous for self destructive too. cuz not only do i mess other peoples lives up i manage to screw mine up too. i wish i could just fall off the face of the earth and be forgotten

Crucify Him: A meditation on Holy Week

This past Sunday was palm Sunday and as our Lord  made his triumphant entry into Jerusalem he also entered the gate to his horrific death.  We all shout "Hosanna to the Son of David". "We cry out  Blessed is he who comes in the name of the LORD". But even in these words of exaltation we are deceitful and two faced.  Sure we lay our cloaks on the ground and wave palms in His honor. But to often we forget that we are the very same people who shout:
"Crucify Him!!"

We listened to the readings of our Lords passion on Sunday and at certain parts it was the congregations turn to speak. Maybe it was because Fr. Greg wanted us to participate or maybe it was for dramatic emphasis. But not for me. I couldn't stand it. I knew what words were coming, we've all heard the story after all. But it was personal.  I wasn't shouting "Give me Barabbas" for dramatic reasons. I was shouting it because I am a sinner. I wasn't shouting "Crucify Him" because I wanted to participate with the rest of the Church. No, i was doing because I knew in my heart everyday, every time I or anyone else sins that I am shouting "Crucify Him". His blood is very much on my hands. This lent has changed me. I feel like the true conversion is taking place. It isn't over though. Holy week still continues the betrayal and institution of the last supper is on Thursday, and finally Good Friday the day we pierce his precious hands, feet and side.  We have betrayed him with our lips like Judas, and we have made our choice to Crucify Him.

Look down upon me,
good and gentle Jesus
while before Your face I
humbly kneel and,
with a burning soul
and contrite heart,
pray and beseech You
to fix deep in my heart
lively sentiments
of faith, hope and
charity;
true contrition for my
sins,
and a firm purpose of
amendment.

While I contemplate,
with great love and
tender pity,
your five most precious
 wounds,
pondering over them within me
and calling to mind the
words which David,
Your prophet, said to
you, my Jesus:

"They have pierced My
hands and My feet,
they have numbered all
My bones".

Lord have mercy on me a sinner,
for it is for my sins that you My God
have suffered and died. Show mercy to your child.
Teach me through your passion and death to be obedient to you.



Jesus I'm so Sorry.

A Fighter

So I have this urge to do something physical. Part of me wants this to be sparring ugh sometimes I wish i was back in Rennies front yard boxing.  There is something...euphoric about being in the ring. Taking hits and hitting back. Going toe to toe till one person cant keep going.

Not once did i ever quit. Ive been hit hard enough to be knocked to the ground. But I didn't give up. Nope i got back up in all my glory and kept swinging until the three 1min and 30 sec rounds were done. I need august to be here. I want to go to Vegas and win that tournament.  I dont want to do forms or staff. No! I want to test my mettle and come out on top. I have always had a fighting spirit. I may not have always been first. But i never stopped i kept going. I like physical pain. I know crazy right? But its easier than emotional distress. For me there is a sense of pride in taking physical pain a sense of strength. But when i am sad or depressed it practically is crippling.

I've been fighting now for over three years. I don't know how long i can keep going. I know what i should do. I should see a Doctor and I should get help. But i cant. I cant put the people I care about going through all that again. I need to fight..but idk how much longer I can.

God please heal me.

Reflection on a Mosaic

So the other night you said something to me and at the time I really didnt think about it. However, you once again have truly inspired my writing and my prayer.  After listening to music you looked at me and said "I am so broken, we all are, but maybe thats why God put us all together because we are broken". At first I really didnt think much of it but today while I was in prayer in the adoration chapel I kept thinking about this mosaic my sister made in 6th grade. It is really a beautiful work of art its a Mosaic of a Dolphin. But any way i couldnt understand why this kept popping into my brain and then it hit me.

Mosaics are some of the most beautiful works of art. They are made of pieces of either broken glass or tiles. When taken individual they can be sharp jagged mayb have some pretty color if it is made of glass. Depression, divorce, messed up relationships, longing for acceptance and love. These things are what break us but sometimes we fail to see the bigger picture we only see the sharp tile in ourselves.

However, "maybe thats why God put us all together, because we are broken". Yes we may be broken pieces of glass or tile but when you look at us all together what do you see. I see something beautiful.  We may be broken but we still all come together to form the most beautiful and wonderful thing I have ever encountered. The St. Annes Core Team. We are broken we are shattered but put all of our pieces together and we are together not for ourselves no, but for our teens. When we come together one of Gods most beautiful creations comes together to help lead and guide his children. All of the jagged sharp pieces come together. So yes love we are all in each others lives because we are broken but in our brokeness we make something beautiful.

Happy Anniversary

so it is a little known fact that today is the one year anniversary of starting my blog however this article isnt about me and my blog. no its about you. the wholed audience of two that take the time out of their schedule to actually check and see how i am doing. thank you really doesnt adequtaly say how much it means to me that the two of you read my thought.s yes i complain yes half the time i dont  make sense and yes expressing my undying love can get to be a bit much sometimes. thank you for loving me enough to care about me and to read my what i have to say. i love you so much people like you are extremely difficult to come by. you have truly been my friends so thanks. i love you.

Great Things

i often find myself fantasizing about being something super. ya know like a super hero or something like that. not becuase i want super powers, although teleportation would be great. i just want to be great. i want to be something for lack or better word special. but the problem is i really dont have anything going for me. nothing useful or practical. i wish i could be great i wish i could be super hero and save the world or something. but alas here i sit in my guard shack serving and protecting the older people of las palmas.

I need a song i dont know which one but the worst part is, I CANT FIND ONE!!! Why? Ahhh i feel like i am going insane!!!!!!!  Dont fail me iPod please i need music i need something.

i feel sick. like physically ill and to say i dont know the why would be a lie. but no matter what i do i cant stop feeling like this. i feel like im slowly slipping and i cant get a footing or a grip no matter how hard i try. but does it matter. no, not really. i dont care much for siympathy although it would be nice to have someone who understands me and where i am coming from. but no matter ive enough probably too much and damn here comes that sick feeling again. fml