Thoughts

So for the past like two weeks I have listened to nothing except Conor Oberst and all i have tosay is WOW. I truly wish I could come up with lyrics like this man. He has increased a desire in me that has festered within my soul for a  long time and that is..to learn how to play guitar.

Fact is I want to sing. I want to sing about all the shit I"ve been put through my entire life. I want my lyrics to inspire deep thought and contemplation. I want there to be philisophic meaning to my words. I want people to know about my strife and my heart ache. I want people to know about my struggle with this Goddamn disease I have had since third grade. I wish I could say its gone away but it hasnt't. I have no idea how long I am gonna live, but does it matter..no?

People worry and stress so much about death, and all i can ask myself is, why? Death is natural it happens to all of us we worry so much about something so trivial. My only legitimat concern would be my family, but hey thats what life insurance is for. All I know is if I am lucky to make it to Purgatory then there is nothing I would want here on this eart. The idea of being happy for eternity is so beautiful. See I have never known true happiness and I probably wont till I am dead, well nobody will until they are dead and kickin it with Jesus.  I would say the worst part is you cant advance your death as in suicied =  bad idea.

But who among us hasnt thought about it at some point in our lives? The idea of what is on the otherside, to stand face to face with God even for a moment would be...well words couldnt describe. But alas it is one of those things we have to wait for.

I feel like rambling tonight. Se all of my friends are mad, upset, disgusted, taken aback...whatever by recent events Of course I guess I cant blame them. However, none of them will ever truly understand why things happened the way they did. There is a bit of bitter sweet comfort of being one of the two people who will ever truly  understand why this has all happened. Of course i feel like the reaction that has been drawn out by all the people is slightly disappointing and..predicatable?

I expected myself to be vilified and looked down on but I just thought that people would have reacted...better. Not that one can really control a reaction per se, a reaction is simply something that just well, happens. A natural inclination to think or act in some way do to basic human instinct, that is what a reaction is, almost like a reflex of the mind. But nonetheless it is what it is. Now it is simply a matter of time before things willbe made right. Amends will be made and things will  be semi-normal. Of course I know what my two well possibly avid readers are thinking. "There is no way things will ever be normal" or "he is crazy". And yet they fail to think about one major factor in this whole fiasco and that is simply God.

See I understand how hard hearted everyone is but I know that God will chizzle away at the stone that surroundes peoples hearts and then something will happen. What is that something you ask? I think I will wait and let you all find out for yourselves, but I will say, it wont be what you expect. See this whole FUBAR situation I have been relying on the wrong person. I have focused my efforts away from where they should have been focused this entire time, but God has revealed something to me. It is a plan you see, and all I can do is trust in him and do that thing I hate doing....Wait

To my readers thank you for putting up with my seemingly incoherent babbling I love you both. Have a good night/day. Oh and make sure when you read this the person in your head has a british accent. Makes it seem proper toodle loo.