So This is Christmas.

It seems like Just the other day i was blowing out birthday candles for myself in July, and now Christmas is upon us. On this night God came to us in the form of an infant child. The Creator of the universe and the Giver of Life was born in a small little manger. Two days ago my Godson Joseph Bryan was Baptized he was born again through water and spirit and was given new life.  There is nothing more helpless than a human child. Nothing more fragile or weak than a baby. And our God the one who breathed life into you and me made himself vulnerable for us. Love is the most difficult thing to understand and yet it is spelled out in a three letter word, G-o-d.  When you are the most loving to somebody is when you are the most you. But the problem we have in this society is that vulnerability is seen as being weak. That you shouldn't be you, that you should be somebody else and if you aren't then you are an outcast. But the creator of the universe, the Lord of Lords, King of Kings, became vulnerable, fragile, and weak for us. God was more God than ever before when he came to us as Jesus Christ the living, breathing word of God. A fragile child laying in a manger saved the world from eternal condemnation and showed us what Christmas really means. It is about Love. Take everything out, take out the gifts, take out the music, take out the tree, the lights and the hot chocolate, then look at what is left. A small, tiny infant child who's very name causes Angels to sing praises and the hosts of heaven to bow down.

In today's culture and society it is easy to get bogged down by all of the negativity in the world. It is easy to get tied up in all the latest trends and technology. It is easy to let others put you down and make you feel un-loved. But when you are on the verge of despair. When you feel like there is nobody out there. Stop and think about that small child who was born because he wanted to make himself open to you.

Calling It Quits

This is it, I am done I give up its over. I am tired of being the bad guy. I am tired of caring all it has done is put me in a bad situation.  I thought caring is what people are supposed to do but i guess not. All it does is piss people off make me look like a jackass. So i am done. I am sick and tired of people, i have come to the realization that the only "people" i am good with are the little people. Probably because they are to young to hate me. But its kinda funny.

Today was going well until a couple of hours ago and then everything went to hell in a hand basket. But i had to push it all aside because i had to babysit. I had just changed the child and put him in his PJ's and brought him downstairs for some milk and Goldfish (the snack that smiles back) . I had set him on the ground and he ate his Goldfish and sat on the floor while i read him a story.  After that i went to go grab his milk out of the fridge when when i noticed he wasn't on the floor. When i looked for him i found him attempting to crawl up the stairs but he had stopped just after the second step and he started crying. He was so tired he just couldn't do it anymore. So i picked him up and took him to his room where i started to rock him in his rocking chair.  He wrapped his arms around my neck and slowly drifted off to sleep.  But for that moment while he was in my nestled in my arms and asleep I noticed something. I was happy. I was at peace for that moment i didn't care about anything else in the world except this little guy i was holding.  All i knew is that he wanted somebody to love and hold him so i happily obliged him and then finally put him down in his crib.  If only God would give me more moments like that in my life, life would be so much nicer. 

At this point i don't think i have anybody else who reads my blog but i could be wrong. truth is i don't care anymore. I cant make people happy no matter how much i try.  I feel like my time has been wasted like i have been lied to and talked about and severely misunderstood. But you know what i think its like i said in my last blog. I think its time for a Change.  It may seem drastic but  hopefully it will put an end to all this nonesense.

The Gift

If there is one thing in the world i hate more than ever it is change. I hate having t move. I hate having to say goodbye to people. I hate when friendships change, hell i even hate when i have to change seats in school, but i am a creature of habit. I like things the way they are. Sure i may be messy and slightly disorganized but i know just where everything is so i can find it.

I feel like something is changing and i don't know if i like it. what it is exactly i don't know but i know something is changing. Today i made a bit of an interesting discovery. I was listening to Pandora radio when i got tired of listening to the music that was playing. It's not that i am tired of music, i just didn't want to hear the words. For the past month now i have listened to strictly instrumental music no singing, no lyrics, just the soft sound of the piano. 

On December 25th it'll be the 7 year anniversary of me getting my piano. there has never ever been a gift in the world that has been able to top that gift.  Surprisingly enough it was from the one person who i would never have expected it from, my dad. Now my dad and i don't really have much of a relationship but that is not why i am writing this.  it seems as of late the only thing that really wants me is that gift i got so many years ago. I know it sounds funny but when i sit down and play even if it is something i make up i just feel like nothing matters just the music.  When i listen to music i don't care what the person singing has to say. the instrument says it all..

For a long time i have always loved artists and bands that have deep meanings to their songs. But now i just don't care about that anymore i just want to hear the instrument. Things have not been going well recently, at least not socially. But regardless of who is mad or upset with me i know my piano will always be there to bring me comfort when i need it. I thank God for the gift he has given me.

I like the fact that few people understand or appreciate the music i listen too. If everybody did then it wouldn't be my escape. There is no better feeling then listening to how the notes of a piano can simply break your heart or fill you too the brim with joy.  I wish i could just lock myself in a room and play the piano till the day i die. No people no worries Just me and my gift.

Trudging Through the Storm

I am fairly absent minded person i forget things easily especially when it comes to school work. But when i try to forget something it always ends up popping back up.  Its funny even the slightest thing can trigger a memory of something, whether it be a smell, something you see or my case something i hear. 

I am trying to distance myself from a particular thought, and it isn't easy.  I know i have to for the good of well everybody i love and care about. But today is just one of those days between the rain and the CD i bought my sister for her birthday its just no fun.  Part of me doesn't want to forget, doesn't want me to let go. Part of me wants to hold on for dear life, but i cant.  If i don't forget, if i don't let go then i will just end up hurting people i love and care about even more. Too much has been done already and it needs to come to an end. Though part of me really doesn't want to i have no choice i have to just let go. For the sake of my friends and myself. God give me strength.

Words of Inspiration

Don't give up
It's just the weight of the world
When your heart's heavy
I...I will lift it for you

Don't give up
Because you want to be heard
If silence keeps you
I...I will break it for you

Everybody wants to be understood
Well I can hear you
Everybody wants to be loved
Don't give up
Because you are loved

Don't give up
It's just the hurt that you hide
When you're lost inside
I...I will be there to find you

Don't give up
Because you want to burn bright
If darkness blinds you
I...I will shine to guide you

Everybody wants to be understood
Well I can hear you
Everybody wants to be loved
Don't give up
Because you are loved

You are loved
Don't give up
It's just the weight of the world
Don't give up
Every one needs to be heard
You are loved

I think its funny no matter how much we are reminded of the fact that we are loved we still feel left out or feel like there is no hope. I found the song on YouTube its by Josh Groban probably one of the greatest singers i have ever heard.  And the lyrics sorta struck me. I go to mass every Sunday I sing songs of worship, and sometimes i feel just as empty when i walk out as i did when i walk in. But even if you don't feel it no that whoever you are that is reading this. You are Loved no matter how hard it may be to believe.

All I want for Christmas

And you ask me what I want this year
And I try to make this kind and clear
Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days
Cuz I don't need boxes wrapped in strings
And desire and love and empty things
Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days

And it's someplace simple where we could live
And something only you can give
And thats faith and trust and peace while we're alive
I wish everyone was loved tonight
And somehow stop this endless fight
Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days

If you want to know what i want for Christmas read the lyrics above.  I don't like asking for things. I feel uncomfortable about it.  I just want my friends and family to be happy.  If somebody i Love and care about is upset or sad or hurting. It doesn't matter what i get because it wont take the pain away for my friends or people who are suffering. So instead of sharing a gift or something monetary. Share a smile and help somebody feel better.

My entire life i have always been a romantic person. When i was in 1st grade there was this girl who i had the biggest crush on and right around Valentine's Day she wanted to be my girlfriend. I was so happy you have no idea how excited i was that she was going to be mine for Valentine's day. So that day i ran home from school and my mom and I went to the store to get cards for everybody in the class not just any cards though Rugrats cards. But before my mom and i left the store i stopped in the candy isle and grabbed a big heart shaped box of chocolates for my special Valentine.  Now i didn't know alot about assorted chocolates at the time but i knew that if it was gold and had a ribbon on it then it must be fancy. After spending hours that evening writing all of my friends names on the cards i went to bed so i could be bright eyed and bushy tailed the next tail.  When i woke the next day i was excited i cleverly hid the chocolates in my backpack so nobody would see them and then headed off to school with my cards.  As the day went on i felt like i was going to explode with excitement. I knew she would love the chocolates and she would wanna marry me and wed live happily ever after.  After we handed out our cards in class it was time for recess i quickly grabbed the chocolates out of my backpack and met her outside on the tire. Some of the other guys teased me about being silly and bringing a girl chocolates but i simply told them they had no class. When she saw the box of chocolates i could tell she was excited and that i had found my true soul-mate. She told me she had to go to the bathroom and shed be right back. Five whole minutes passed and i go worried so i went to go look for her only to find her kissing another boy and eating my chocolates!!! Needless to say i was "heart-brokeded".

My entire life i have never had much luck with women.  And when i think i have found that person i always end up being let down.  And finally when i do get into a serious relationship we end up getting to serious and all hell breaks loose.  Is this God's way of saying i shouldn't date. That he wants me to be a priest?  I would've settled for something a little less heartbreaking but hey i am not God.  If God wanted me to be a priest then why did he make me the way i am? The hopeless romantic who knows how to treat a woman properly? Am i a saint? No. But i am understanding and faithful.  Maybe i am crazy but last time i checked Romanticism and being single sorta don't mix. 

Now you may be reading this and are probably thinking ok what does this have to do with anything.  Well if i am supposed to be a Priest. At least as of right now that is what i feel God is calling me too then why am I in love?  why is it i want to be so much a part of this persons life even though i know i cant and probably never will be.  But i cant help it. I didn't ask for this it just happened.  But no matter how hard i try no matter what i do i just cant "fall out" of love.

God a little friendly advice...Pretty Please

Not How or Where or When...but who?

So in my last blog i talked about questions that i ask. One that has been coming up is: Who am I?

I know what my name is and where i am from, I know i have certain personality traits but WHO AM I?!? What defines me as who i am? Is it a bunch of nice words? Or is it by the things i do? i have done alot of good stuff, but on the other hand i have done alot of bad stuff. If somebody came up and asked who are you the normal response is "I am           " and your name usually goes in the blank spot.  But do you really pay attention to what the person is asking? The didn't ask what your name is. They asked who are you? But what makes me Michael Ryan Gray me? Is it my genetic structure? I know God created me in his likeness and image, but what part of him do i possess? As humans we cannot contain all of him otherwise wed explode!! And it says in his Likeness not exactly like him. The translation of my name Michael means "Who is Like God?" It isn't saying that i am like God, it is asking a question. So I ask, Who are you?, and more importantly Who am I?

A Few Thoughts

So I have done alot of thinking lately...of course i do that too much....waaaaay to much to be honest. I feel like that for being 19 i worry way to much about things that your average everyday 19 year old wouldn't. Not that i am a worry wart but these things concern me(I wont bother you with a list because well lets face it it would be waay to long). But i guess that is just how i am. 19 and pondering things that would drive some of the greatest philosophers up a wall.  Of course you don't need to be a philosopher to be annoyed by me just ask my mom and the people who have to put up with me on a regular basis.

Second thought i feel useless. First reason i don't have a job and second my friends are having all of these problems and i am just here. I feel like i just take up air.  I want to help but it just seems like i am not good enough or i just don't understand or i am not to be trusted all of which i feel are kinda crazy except for maybe the understanding thing but at the very least i can listen and console. However, in my experiences words rarely help for me it has always been music.  If i had the talent I would lock myself in a room and i would play piano all day and all night never quitting. And when people who were troubled or sad or upset came to listen to me all of there troubles would be melted away and they would go home re-energized and prepared for anything However this is just the fantasy of a dreamer and a man in love with music. 

The problem i have is that nobody really gets me and understands except for God of course.  But nobody i know really understands me. Is it too much to ask for someone who will listen to what i have to say,  Who will understand where i am coming from?  I just want someone who wants to know me. But i cant just pour my life out to somebody who wont share with me. That's not how i work. Ben Folds once wrote "If you cant trust, you cant be trusted". This is something i always hold close. Maybe it is because i have been let down by people to many times. Or maybe it is because i fear i will be stabbed in the back, but would you share your crayons with someone who wont share theirs with you?  I know it seems elementary (no pun intended) but that's how I am.  Maybe I am just trying to cope with the fact that people don't really need and/or want me? I don't know i just write what i think.

Helping Hand

Dear Jesus,

I have very few friends. At least really close friends that i can tell pretty much everything to. In fact i can count them all on one hand and not even use all the fingers. I don't want more friends because i love the ones have now but i have a problem. My friends are hurting and i feel completely useless. I don't expect them to tell me everything but i just feel like no matter how hard i try to help they either don't want me or don't trust me. So that's why i am talking to you...or blogging. So idk what is going on or what you are planning. But could you give them a helping hand. Or could you show them that i am here. But i mean if you wanna do it yourself that's cool cuz i really only mess things up, but i digress. Jesus help my friends with whatever they are dealing with and help them to know that if they just need someone to listen i am here or if they need a shoulder to cry on i am here. But more importantly remind them that you are ALWAYS here. 

 Love,

  Michael

Trust Issues

I have always had problems trusting. Whether it be myself others or even God. But today that has changed despite everything that has happened these past months today i have never felt more peace in my life. I spent some time in the Adoration Chapel today at church. I felt like i needed some quiet time to help get my head on straight and get my bearing.  Monday night i was at a friends house and we watched a segment of the T3 series and there was one thing that really hit home for me. Prayer. Something that has been seriously lacking in my life. I have always had a hard time praying unless something bad happens. Of course i think that is how alot of us are when it comes to prayer. The reason i have had a hard time praying was because i didn't trust God. I was just sorta going through the motions. I believed and all but i had never really trusted. The idea of trusting in something i only saw once a week and something that never really talked back to me was a little crazy to me.  However that all changed when i realized that when i did pray i wasn't praying correctly. Now i have heard time and time again that there is no "right" way to pray. However, when Mark Hart talked about the wedding at Cana he said Mary showed us how to pray in the most simple way. All she says is "They have no wine" then she turned to the servants and said "Do what he tells you". That's it. It is so simple and yet i have hard the hardest time saying that.  She tells Jesus what is wrong she tells the servants to trust in the Lord and Bam everything was ok. Why? Because they trusted in God. They didn't say hey God i need this. or God could you do it this way. It was simply "they have no wine" and "do what he tells you.  So today i went into the Adoration Chapel and i simply said "God i have no direction please help me". And to my surprise something happened.  I sat in the chapel for about an hour as i started reading "Confessions of St. Augustine". As i read i felt overwhelmed with emotion. The words that St. Augustine shares in his book are so powerful. Every word jumped out and hit home. There were a few times i almost thought i was going to cry because of the sheer beauty of what was written and how it was written. But while i was in the chapel i felt comfort. I felt relieve that i didn't have to worry about my problems and that God would take care of everything as long as i trusted in him.

For awhile now i have been discerning the priesthood. And i use the term discerning very lightly. It was more of a ya that's nice but i don't really care or God i love ya but your crazy.  But today that changed.  I have been so stupid and ignorant to what God wants and all i have been focused on is what I want. Even in my selfishness God was kind enough to show me mercy and comfort. I don't know what God has planned i don't have to. All i know is that whatever it is i trust him and Love him.

So by now (if you are still reading this) you are probably like ok..well what is the meaning of this? I plan on becoming a Catholic Priest. After i get my associates i will be able to go to seminary and continue discerning my vocation to the priesthood. If it is what God has planned for me then i know i will be happy. If not...well that's ok its in Gods hands

Sleeping In

I have always hated waking up in the morning. I hate the feeling of being tired and i hate when i have to be somewhere before the sun is up. however tomorrow is going to be different. I don't want to sleep in. I want to have to get up and drag myself out of bed to see you. I want to sit in the shower cursing asking myself why i have to be up so early. I want to get into my car and feel the icy cold upholstery on my skin and the brisk air in my car. I want to feel the pain of my contacts in my eyes because my eyes are still swollen because they haven't rested enough. I want to stand in the shower and curse life because it is so damn early.  I want to get in my car drive over while it is still dark and right before i open the door ask "Why the fuck am i up so early?". Because i know when i open the door i look down and see something that has all but vanished from this world. I want to look at the happy face of someone who only knows love.  And then i remember this is why i wake up. This is why shrug of the pain in my eyes, this is why i embrace the cold morning chill.

But tomorrow ill be up at around ten. The sun will be shining but it will still be cold. And my eyes wont be swollen but i still wont be able to see the joy. Some people may read this and say stop sulking or get a grip. But what they don't understand or fail to realize is that you were one of the few people who accepted me. You were such an amazing person and will be in the years to come.  You have so much to share with the world and you are just now getting started. You mean so much to me and alot of other people who you will probably never know. I know you may not understand right now and maybe you never will but i really do Love you and always will. And as long as i am around there will always be a candle lit in the church burning bright for you.

I know things are kinda bad right now but even when the bombs go off the sun will still be shining, cuz every mushroom cloud has a silver lining.

So now i have alot of quiet time 30 more hours to be exact and while alot of it will be devoted to finding a new job i think i will devote alot more time to someone who i need to spend more time with and will hopefully give me the direction i need.

Curve Ball or Head on Collision?

So i messed up. Not that its a big surprise i mean don't i always?  But i can help to ask myself is this a curve-ball from God? Or is this just another one of those consequences for my actions? I mean obviously i made a mistake and lost the trust of people i care about along with  my job. Could things have gone better? Sure things could always go better. Am i sorry for what i did? You bet your ass i am? But its like my step-dad always told me "Mikey sorry doesn't mean shit. Its already done and you cant change it." I got too comfortable and it cost me. But i cant help but to ask myself is there a reason for this? Am i where God wants me right now? Or is this just the usual Michael fuck up. Personally i lean towards the second option but we always judge ourselves harsher than what we actually deserve It would have been nice to have sat and talked about everything before this happened but you did what you felt was right. I don't deserve forgiveness or your kindness. I messed up and that's that. 

however, cant help but to ask. What now? I thought this job was a real chance to live out my faith. to do what i tell the teens to do and  help people, but apparently i cant even help others so i guess i should practice what i preach. Somebody told me that God has something better planned for me? But what could possibly be better? And even if there is something better, I don't deserve it. Is this a curve-ball or is this something that was coming head on and i didn't bother to get out of the way?

Broken Hearted

So i went on a retreat this weekend and i don't think i have ever been affected in such a way. It was difficult for me to focus not just on the small things but even playing music was challenging. It wasn't the lack of sleep that distracted me or all the running around. It was the things some of my teens shared in small groups that really hit me. Whoever said that our youth is wasted was wrong. The correct term is misunderstood and crying out for help.

The first thing that completely blew my mind was a girl i had met. A 16 year old girl who has had to raise hesrself and her siblings because her parents don't care. But not only that a 16 year old girl who is so compassionate and loving that she is raising her Godchild because her Godchild's mother passed away. 16 and taking the world no time for play, no time to live a "normal" life. Not only that but because of all the pain that being in high school can bring she feels like nobody is out there who she can talk to. She puts up walls and wont open up. But finally God was able to make her walls crumble as she opened up and started crying saying how she couldn't take it anymore. I don't if what i said helped at all because to be honest i really didn't know what to say. But after our discussion a light seemed to shine once again in a broken spirit.

Then there is the Gangster. The one who hangs out with the wrong crowd because they will give him protection. A 15 year old kid who needs protection. Is it me or is something wrong with that? not only that but he tells me how he cant be at home because his father is always doing "business" I wont say what kind but i am sure you can guess.  How bad do things have to be to where the best people you can find are the ones that cause problems and break the law? However amongst everything God was still able to move through him. He was Honest he knew what he had been doing was wrong and said how he wanted to change. But what really hit me was when he told me that because of me he wanted to change. That i was his role model and somebody to look up too. Me? I don't get it i am no one special and i am just as flawed as anybody else. I'm not perfect.

Then there are the twins. The two kids i have the most sympathy for. Not because they have a shitty life or anything but because everyone seems to have lost hope. The two brothers are rude, they always fight, they cause all sorts of trouble and absolutely hate youth group.  But the thing is I love both of those kids. I know that deep down they aren't as bad as everyone seems to make them out to be. Yes they cause problems but saying how much they annoy you doesn't help that. The only thing i have seen that works with people like that is compassion, and not the touchy feely stuff. No. Its the kind of compassion that comes from an older sibling.  The one that even though he isn't always perfect he still knows whats appropriate and whats not. But they don't have that. All they know is competition and trying to beat everybody else. To make sure that they are the best and everybody knows it. But if nobody shows them faith or compassion then how will they change?

These are just a few of the things that went on during the retreat. The sad thing is i cant fix these things. All i do is listen and try to help. But it isn't enough not for these kids. They deserve the best, they deserve love and compassion like no other. They all need help. I have never felt so broken hearted after a retreat. I have never seen so many cracked and broken spirits.

Misunderstood

A few months ago i watched Dracula and i ended up really liking it. It was an old version but my favorite character was Dracula himself. When at first glance he is seen as a monster something evil that must be destroyed. But in reality he is just well...misunderstood. In the very beginning of the movie Dracula's wife gets a letter saying that he died in battle. She ends up being so distressed she jumps out of a building and kills herself. When Dracula returns he does not take the death of his wife to well. Long story short through his grief he becomes the "monster" that everybody knows and well loves to hate. But the problem is nobody really understands the pain. Nobody understands what causes this anger he has. Sure he has to drink blood to survive but all he wants is his love back.

Now in no way am i comparing my life to that of Dracula however i feel like i am misunderstood. Like the intentions i have are mistaken for something evil and sinister. Like as much as i try to pull i just get shoved away i thought things were ok but i don't know maybe i was wrong.  I don't think people understood the pain Dracula felt cuz if they did then maybe they wouldn't have been so hostile. Or maybe if he looked like Edward Cullen he may have not been run off.  I don't know sometimes i just don't think its fair. But hey that's life right.

A little Help

I wish knew what to do. I think of myself and i really don't know what to think. Every since i was a little kid i always wanted to be a hero. Save the day get the girl and fly off into the distance with the wind at my back. I have always considered myself a fighter. Not in the physical sense, although i have had my few scuffles but i don't like to sit idly by when something needs to be done. Whether it is something that needs to be fixed or crime that needs to be fought, i hate being useless. I don't have much in the way of talent i mean ya i can play the piano but i am no Elton John or Nat King Cole.  But other than that i don't have much to offer. I have thought about being a priest but lets face it i am really not the kind of person who should be sheperding peoples souls and i am no where near strong enough to make a vow of celibacy.  My entire life i have always seen myself as a family man. With lots of kids a beautiful wife and a dog. My biggest problem is that what i want to do i really cant support a family. I feel like God has backed me into a corner and i only have one way out. I know it isn't the truth but I still feel this way. I feel...stagnant. I want to help people i know that and i love teaching people about the church and history and theology and whatnot. But still i know that path leads to the priesthood because there really isn't another job where theology really can bring home the bacon to support a family.

All of my friends have these amazing stories of how they became catholic or truly began to believe.  One of my friends realized how much God loved her after a failed suicide attempt and how that changed her life. Another friend found his way while lost in a parking lot. But what about me? I became Catholic because i wanted more. I felt stagnant in my faith as a Lutheran and realized i was missing out on something beautiful. But i didn't have anybody there to influence me. Just people to answer questions and books to satisfy my hunger for knowledge and history.  I feel like i am wandering just floating in empty space working and killing time with school. i feel like i have no purpose I'm an easy person to talk to. But what is the point if no one is willing to talk? Ya i can offer advice to tens and help them on there journey through life but i really don't count for much there. It is there choice whether or not they want to do what is right all i can offer them is the truth. I would much rather just be kicked in the nuts by God and pointed in the right direction but i guess that is asking to much. God enjoys being...subtle.   Everyone says pray and trust and be patient but time is running out. I don't want to be wandering or floating the rest of my life. I will never abandon my faith\ that much i know i may be unsure but i will always have my convictions.

God if you are reading this a little help would be nice thanks.

Anybody Wanna Go?

Have you ever just been so angry you don't know what to do. I sear if i didn't have to work I probably would've completely lost my cool by now. Why am i so angry? I don't know. Life, I guess. The last time i felt this way i ended up punching a heavy bag for so long you could see the bones on my knuckles and i managed to rip through the bag i was hitting. I just want to throw something and scream. agggh i hate self restraint!. I have been trying to keep my cool for so long and i feel like i have reached a breaking point. I shouldn't be angry i shouldn't be alot of things but i am. God please grant me some peace of mind right now because i am feeling the exact opposite. I wanna hit something to throw something and just go insane for a few minutes. When i was younger me and my friends would throw some gloves on and go at it for hours in a makeshift boxing ring. Sometimes we wouldn't even use gloves just go bare knuckle and sometimes even bring it to the floor. And afterwards when are faces were bloodied, bruised and swollen we would start laughing and everything was cool.  Sadly i have nobody to get into a ring with. SO i am stuck sitting here Blogging about how i feel ugh.

What I Want to Say.

So there is alot i want to tell you but i am afraid i wont get the chance. So i am gonna try my best however once again i am at a loss for words but thank God for Taylor Swift

Got lost in your eyes
And never really had a chance
I had so many dreams
About you and me
Happy endings
I went and let you down
I hope it's not too late for me

So here i am, on my knees
Begging for forgiveness
I'm so sorry
But  you have someone
Who will actually treat you well
This is a big world
We are stuck in a small town
I just hope i don't get stuck disappearing in your rear view mirror.

After the retreat i finally realized what i did wrong besides the whole abandoning you thing. I love you but it isn't my place that belongs to somebody else. I got so wrapped up in how i felt i didn't realize that i was in the wrong place that it isn't my place to sweep you off your feet. I couldn't except that fact and i was so angry and jealous that i couldn't get ahold of myself. I exercised a lack of humility snapped and when i did you of all people got hit by the back lash. I really want to tell you all this in person but seeing as you are busy and dealing with your own problems this was the only way i could get this out. I'm so sorry for everything and i really hope you are doing ok. You don't need to respond to this i know you are busy. But if we don't fix things if the fragile line we walk does break just please don't ever forget that i love you and always will. You are and always will be in my prayers.

Patience

So its been awhile since we have talked. I miss chatting. But you said you needed time and space and i will wait as long as i have to until you are ready. I understand what you are going through especially when it comes to not beinga in a state of Grace it is hard to get back. But God is merciful and i have found the best time for Confession is right before the five o'clock mass when Fr. Tim or Fr. Greg are in their offices. I am praying for you and just wanted you to know that i am thinking about you. And i hope that we can talk someday and clear things up. But until then i am here patiently waiting and praying.

What to do.

So i constantly find myself falling out of Gods grace. I know that going to confession will absolve me but i feel like i am on a freaking marry go round. I don't mean to do what i do i just cant help it. the longest i had gone was the entire Lenten season. After that i went a week. But i am so sick and tired of having to go to confession for the same reason week after week. I know it is supposed to help but still. Sometimes it gets to the point of where i just cant focus. Ugh God please help i am weak and i need your help as usual. I cant do this on my own. Maybe one day i wont have to worry about it. But as father Craig always says Get holy or die trying. I just hope i can get Holy before i die.

Michelle

Today is a very special day. Not just because it is all St's Day but because it is someone elses very special day.

Today is your14th birthday. It seems like just yesterday you were a curly-headed-trouble-maker singing lets go fly a kite in the back of the van on the way to California. You have grown so much since then. You are a beautiful young woman now and you can do anything you want with your life should you so choose. You have accomplished more in the 14 years you have been around than I probably ever will. You have soo much potential and i hope you use all of it to do great things.

I don't know if you will ever read this. but if you do not matter how much you make me wanna strangle you i Love you little sister and as long as i can i will always protect you from anyone or anything. Just promise me that you wont grow up to fast, and never forget that i love you.

Unestanding

So i went on a retreat for the weekend and it felt good to get away for awhile. I needed time to think to figure what the hell i am doing and to figure out what i need to do. Well since i was on a retreat and away from everything i was actually able to pray without being interrupted without worry. I love silence especially when in the presence of the Eucharist. Things have been rough this entire month. Not to mention i managed to almost shatter a relationship with someone i  hold very near and dear to me.  But God being loving and understanding helped me this weekend. And Mary Jesus's mother was able to comfort me and help point me in the direction i needed to be going.

When Father Richard gave his homily Saturday afternoon. He talked about humility and how we are all like rubber bands and humility keeps us grounded. However if we attempt to take on to much or think higher of ourselves or do something we aren't meant to do then we snap. Mary said yes to the will of God. Instead of keeping and holding on to her free will she gave it to God saying your will not mine. She recognized the fact that she was small compared to God but because she was humble she is exalted now as the Queen of heaven.

After the Homily i was able to catch Fr. Richard before he left so i may be able to reconcile with God for all the pain and suffering i caused you.  It was a good confession and one that was much needed. Shortly after the Core team at Most Holy Trinity gave everybody a rose to place at the feet of Mary's statue that was there. I was the last person to place my rose and as i looked at it i couldn't help but to notice how beautiful it was. A mixture of orange and red and a wonderful fragrance. What better flower is there to place at the feet of the Blessed Mother than the one that is known around the world as the most beautiful flower of all.  When i placed it at her feet i looked into her eyes and i felt comfort. Deep in those sorrowful eyes she had I knew she loved me and i knew she cared and always would.  However the comfort found in her eyes was not as much as what came later.

Adoration. that night when the Eucharist was brought out i was felt overwhelmed with love. I will never be able to describe how much i love Jesus and what he has done for us, or how he has humbled himself in the form of bread so that we may be nourished spiritually.  After the opening song i walked off the stage to humble myself in front of the Lord and it didn't take long before i lay in front of him face down in awe and reverence. I told him everything (as if he didn't know it already) and his response was simple: "Still your heart, I am here and I love you. I know you are troubled but i am here now. Be still." In the silence and presence of God there is nothing that cant be done. Jesus I love you, Mary I love you.

When i left for the retreat i was weak and needed comfort. I was lost and needed direction and i was broken. I had stretched myself by doing something that God did not intend for me to do. But through his love and mercy God gave me strength. He helped me find my way. He helped repair the brokenness inside and he helped me understand what i need to do.

We cant turn back time we make mistakes and we must learn from them. I pray that what was broken between us can be repaired. I pray that the line we walk will no longer be fragile and wont break. I pray that you still think that my string of lights are shining because there is alot i need to tell you.

The Future

The future is a scary idea. I don't know what it holds. I look ahead and see a glimpse of hope that one day everything will be ok and that you wont look at me and want to runaway. Not cuz I'm ugly not cuz scary but because of the hurt i caused you. I know words will never fix it  only time can. But I'll be right here waiting for you.  The future is always uncertain. And i don't know how the rest of this will play out. I'm willing to except any punishment for the pain I've caused.  Its hard to think of life without you as my friend but if that's what it takes to heal your wounds. If that will take away the pain I've caused. If it'll take away the fear that has surfaced because of me. Then ill understand. I wanna say those three words to you but i know it'll just upset you. But they will always hold true.

7:30

They say the more honest the truth is the more it hurts. I abandoned my best friend. I cant make excuses i cant point fingers at anybody but myself. I abandoned her.  And the irony is i am the one who is crawling back begging for her to take me back. I didn't do it intentionaly but did it nonetheless. I left a scar in her heart and one on her body. But the funny thing about scars is that if you take care of them before the scab over and you don't pick at it then there wont be one.  I know i left a mark i know there is pain. And i am the cause. Maybe if since i am the one who caused the pain i can help take it away. I know its a huge stretch but who knows.  If you wont take me back that's ok. But just let me help you one more time. I know i deserve to sit here in shame and in pain because of what i have caused. But you don't. You don't deserve the pain i have caused you don't deserve the scar i left on you or any of the scars on your body. 7:30 will be the last chance ill get i plan on doing whatever i can for you . No matter how bad it hurts me. Thats a promise.

Nothing hurts more than the failure. Failure to get good grades failure please parents but the worst feeling is failure to be a friend. I am not trying to feel sorry for myself. But when you hurt someone you love and care about to teh point where they wont trust you anymore is painful.  But what i did was take a friendship that was built on "no matter whats" and turned into an "provding yo dont".I hurt somebody to the point where they cant even see the love i have for them. They only see me as somebody who hurt them. They dont understand my intentiosn were never to push them away or to throw away what we had but none of that matters anymore. But the worst part is, when you have so much love to givet to someone and they refuse it. Its like its poisoned or tainted.  And because they are hurt they wont accept it because they wont believe that someone who hurt them can really love them. No one hurts more than a person who's love is rejected.

God please. Just give me an oppurtunity to show my love for my friend. Give me an oppurtunity to gain her trust back. Give me an oppurtunity to show her how much she really means to me. You gave her to me as an extension of your ownlove and comapssion. I prayed that i needed someone to love me and someone who will comfort me and you gave me her.  Please God i didnt mean push her away.  God just let me show her.

I love you God even tho i am crying and hurting i love you and trust you. Just please make everything better.

He put that bottle to his head and pulled the trigger
And finally drank away her memory
Life is short but this time it was bigger
Than the strength he had to get up off his knees
We found him with his face down in the pillow
With a note that said I'll love her till I die
And when we buried him beneath the willow
The angels sang a whiskey lullaby

I never thought a country song of all things would be able to depict how i feel. FML

6:24

Its been 21 hours no sleep no comfort just tears and a stomach ache. Idk whats worse. The fact that i have to trudge trhough school today or the fact my best friend hates me.

My step-dad got mad at me once and called me worthless piece of shit. Maybe he was on to something.  Idk why i am still writing on my blog nobody reads it anymore.

Its 12:10 i have five hours of sleep left. But eveytime i go and lay down all i can think of is the friend Ive lost and how much i hate myself for losing her. And nothing is really helping the stone that is in my chest right now. instead of the steady thumping it is more like a painful scraping.  I just want my best friend back. I just want her to know how sorry i am. that i wasn't trying to walk away  i was trying to make things better. That i didn't mean to hurt her. I feel like a broken record but i don't want this to be goodbye..  I don't want her to hate me.

I have lost my only friend. The only friend who loved me for me. the only friend who would hold me when i cry. and now i feel more alone than i ever have before. And the worst part is its all my fault. Nobody to blame but myself. If only i could tell them how sorry i am. If only she would listen. But i don't blame her i don't wanna be around myself either.Congratulations Michael you have finally managed to push the best thing that has ever happened to you out of your life.  I didn't mean to make you cry i thought it was what was best. And you didn't say anything.But i shouldve talked to you about it first.So now i am stuck and nobody is here to help me. And nobody but myself is to blame.  I wanted to take your pain away not add to it. I wanted to reduce your scars not cause more. But i didn't and i am so sorry you probably wont read this and if you do it wont matter cuz i hurt you to much. i never realized how much i meant to you i no i don't deserve a second chance but if you find it in your heart to give me one i will make up for the pain that i have caused. I just want my friend back.

What to Do?

I don't know what to do anymore.The way i feel only  hurts. I wish i could get rid of all of my feelings. I have been beaten up picked on. Kicked while i was down (literally).  Have been poked and prodded with needles. i have had seizures that have left me with back pain because of the way my back would contort. I have sprained my ankle. I nearly tore my Achilles Tendon. Ive been kicked in the groin. I have had an entertainment stand fall on top of me and have had the glass shatter on my arm. Ive fallen off my bike and into bear grass and cacti.  And yet everytime i have gritted my teeth and bared the pain,. Gotten back up from the floor and kept swinging till i was unconscious i have dragged people down to the floor with me and never given up until my bones were nearly at the point of breaking. But one of this can compare to the ache i feel inside. the longing for something that i know i will never have and yet i still fill my head with hope of possibility.  I never wanted this i never asked. I am told to just move on. I am told only time will fix this.  But it feels like a scab forms and you just sorta keep picking at.  Keep picking and eventually you will have a scar.  How so you fight something that you cant see? How do you fight something that hits 20 times harder in a place that causes the worst pain in the world? I try to talk to other people i try to move on. But when nothing happens all the feelings remain the same what is there to do? I just don't know what to do anymore.  Am i stupid for thinking there may be a future? And if there isn't can i really handle the truth of something like that? Knowing that i will only watch from afar? I have never believed in chance. But then why? Why would God have us meet? Why would God torture me with these feelings if it wasn't supposed to mean something?  What is wrong with me?

So it was a weird weekend. Basically my best friend came over on Friday and pretty much read me like an open book. I guess i wasn't looking inside of myself because i was afraid of what i might find. And i was right i hated what i found but i needed to bring it out. And she did just that.  It was a very sad sight though I didn't want her to leave cuz i really needed someone to cry on but i was to stupid to stop her from leaving. I spent a good chunk of my weekend in solitude crying because i realized all the people i had hurt. I didn't mean to of course, but that's me always messing something up.  But amidst all of that i learned something. And that my best friend really does love me. And even though it isn't the kind of love that i had hoped for it is still love nonetheless. And even now just thinking about it it makes me kinda teary eyed because i have never really been loved in that way before. I mean ya my family loves me but i have never had a friend who i can really be myself around someone who genuinely cares about me.  And its weird because i don't know how to feel about this. I have never been in touch with my feelings persey, but this makes me feel...vulnerable. And part of me is sorta afraid of this feeling because i don't wanna get hurt and thrown on the back -burner which has happened so many times before.  i have always asked God to send me someone special someone who will love me. And i know it is a different kind of love than what i want but it is still love.  And if this is just a precursor of what is to come then i cant wait. I know i need to move on and i am trying but that doesn't mean i will ever stop loving you.  You mean so much to me and God put you in my life for a reason i see him in you every time you tell me it'll be ok or when you tell me not to worry or when you tell me you love me.  I cant tell you how much i appreciate what you did for me on Friday even tho it hurts it was true all of it. I just wish that sometime i can return the favor and show you just how much you mean to me. I love you and i just wanted to tell you that you are unlike any friend i have ever had and i hope that i will always have you in my life.

Loose Leaves

The story is in the soil
Loose leaves cover the ground
There are volumes in the forest no one reads out loud
If I could take them down off of that mountain shelf...we used to climb but no one tries to go up that far now
Yeah, we're all too busy working, entertaining ourselves, 40 hours, television and prescription pills
Well, I take two a day to make my brain behave
It never does but who is to say, at least my doctor gets paid
So that's fine, yeah come by, we will take the afternoon off
We can kiss and undress or if you want just talk
Because I have got nothing real, just empty space to fill
And you are my girl, I like your style, just imagine all the time we could kill

And time's not poison but once you drink it all you'll die
So lets just sip it real slow, yeah, we can nurse it all night
Try to believe that once its gone they will pour another round
and come back to life
We'll come right back

well, it's all moving faster now, yeah, and that's what they said
And though some days still take forever I can't disagree
Because it seems to me that I wake up and sleep, look in the mirror have no idea what happened in between
But I remember counting days down until the year could be done
So I could scatter all my notebooks on the prep school lawn
And disappear again into a summer's bliss of staying out and sleeping in and getting drunk with my friends
now that's gone and I know that it won't ever come back
I accept
I won't cling to what I had in the past but life's a slippery slope
Regret is the steepest hill
Hope for the best
Plan for the worst and maybe wind up somewhere in the middle
And I'm not saying that I know what I want
But I know what I don't, don't want to rot in my room and never know what could have been, believe what everyone else tells me is true

They will say 'true'
(yeah, they say its true!)
yeah they say 'true'
(they say, yeah they say, they say
yeah they say 'true')
(That's what they say
that's it)

Barely Breathing

The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting though i still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for a purpose, they're still looking for life

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm hangin' on another day
Just to see what you will throw my way
And I'm hanging on to the words you say
You said that I will be ok.

There you have it the only thoughts that are in my head and they aren't even my own. I'm sorry i hurt you. I'm sorry cuz i am a terrible friend. But I'm broken and i need you please don't walk away i just need you to tell me everything is gonna be ok.

Hold Me

I am
terrified of all things
frightened of the dark
I am

you are
taller than a mountain
deeper than the sea
you are

hold me
Is anybody out there?

I wish I could find the right words to describe how i am feeling at this point in my life. But it seems nothing i can say or write will start to scratch the surface of how i feel. The feelings aren't good which sucks cuz i haven't felt "Good" in awhile. And the more aware of these feelings i become the more i realize how much it sucks to be human. I was online and i couldn't help but to feed my curious side and i googled why does love hurt. Of course i got a list of child and spousal abuse websites but i did find one article and it said: "Love doesn't hurt at all, quite the contrary. However, it is when we don't have mutual love that when love becomes painful". As i kept reading i sorta liked what i read until i saw something that made me upset. It said "True Love is a give and take". Maybe i am wrong but with love there should be no take only give BUT each person needs to give the love they have to the other person. Not one person give and the other one just sits there. Jesus didn't take anything he just gave.But what do you do when the person you love doesn't want it? Or anybody for that matter. Sometimes i feel stupid posting this stuff on my blog. But i guess hopefully it will change someones life. I doubt cuz no one really cares but hey nothing wrong with dreaming right? Of course my mom says i do that to often.  Idk where i was going with all of this. I just thought it would maybe help me get a grip on things but i guess not. Whenever i am out with family or my brothers and there is a girl around they always push me to go talk to her. I never do though, mainly because i can already tell you what is going to happen so i save myself the trouble. Or the person in question doesn't meet my standards. Not that i have room to have any i am no prince charming or anyone special but i will never settle even if that means i have to die alone, i will never settle.  If there is one thing i learned people who settle end up on Jerry Springer.  I feel like i am just rambling so i am sorry for wasting your time if you read this.I am trying to make myself feel better but the more i right the more i realize how stupid and pathetic i am. I wish i could be like Davy Jones from Pirates of the Caribbean, Just take a knife and carve my heart out so i don't have to hurt anymore. But oh well that's just a movie and another stupid fantasy in the world of Michael.

Bright Eyes

When panic grips your body
And your heart's a hummingbird
Raven thoughts blacken your mind
'Til you're breathing in reverse
All your friends and incentives mean well
But make it worse
Every reassurance just magnifies the doubt
Better find yourself a place to level out

Got a cricket for a conscience
Always looks the other way
A cocaine soul starts seeming like
An empty cabaret
Hey, where have all the dancers gone?
Now the music doesn't play
Tried to listen to the river
But you couldn't shut your mouth
Better take a little time to level out

I never thought of running
My feet just led the way

Mixed-up signals
Bullet train
Cars are switched out in the crazy rain
I could meet you any place
If the brakeman turns my way

All this automatic writing
I have tried to understand
From a psychedelic angel
Who was tugging on my hand
It's an infinite coincidence
But it doesn't form a plan
So I'm headed for New England
Or the Paris of the South
Gonna find myself somewhere to level out

Are your brothels full, oh Babylon
With merry middlemen?
Never peer out of their periscopes
From those deep opium dens
All this death must need a counterweight
Always someone born again
First a mother bathes her child
Then the other way around
The scales always find a way to level out

I tried to pass for nothing
But my dreams gave me away

Mixed-up signals
Bullet train
People snuffed out in the brutal rain
I could live to any age
If the brakeman turns my way

It is an old world, it's hard to remember
Like a dime store mystery
I'm a repeat first-time offender
Who has rewritten history

Mixed-up tea leaves
Phantom pain
Fuzzy logic in the the crazy rain
Getting better every day
If the brakeman turns my way

Mixed-up signals
Bullet train
Cars are switched out in the blinding rain
He'll be smiling as he seals my fate
When the brakeman turns my way

Best Friend

Recent events have been fairly tragic as of late. Ive been dealing with stuff that nobody should have to deal with but such is life. But throughout this whole ordeal i just want to know where am i going? Losing someone is never easy but when that person is lost because the committed suicide is even more shocking. It seems that no expression is ever enough to console the loved ones of that persons family. I'm sorry just doesn't work. My condolences? This isn't the Godfather. But out of the few people i have told one question that is very upsetting to me is Why? I tell them a friend committed suicide and they ask me why? I don't know how to respond to that question. If i had known why then maybe this could've been prevented maybe i or someone else could have helped them see reason to live instead of abruptly ending there lives at the age of 23.

Which brings me to myself I have only contemplated suicide once. A loong time ago. And for me it wasn't because i was sad or hopeless it was because i was angry and felt like nobody understood me. I really don't have very many friends. There are people i know and still talk to but out of all the people i know i really only have a few, enough to count on my hands. Kevin, Chris (my brother), My Mom, Josh, Nick, Erin, Jacob, Chris and Stephanie. The first 5 are family so i guess that automatically rules them as friends. But out of the last four the only person who i really talk to is Stephanie. I am not an easy person to be around.  I can put on a show for people tell jokes and make them laugh but there is only one person i can be around where i am actually me. She is someone i don't have to put on a facade for, because even if i do she will see right through it. And even more she is the ONLY person i will listen to country music with. When i need somebody to talk to or need to be comforted she is always there. Regardless of what time of day it is. And because of the things that she has been through in her past she gets me and understands where i am coming from. She doesn't judge me or think i am crazy. She is my best friend and someone i admire and look up to. I understand that we will never be more than just friends. But as long as she is there it doesn't really matter.

What drives people to commit suicide? How hopeless must you really be? As i got out of the shower this morning i was hit with news. One of my friends had committed suicide. Him and the girls he was with had planed this he shot her and then himself. Had it been a car accident or something else i don't think the shock would've been as bad. But as i sit writing this blog i still cannot fathom the feeling that both of these people had felt. They both left suicide notes. I am unaware to what they said all i know is one was addressed to another friend of mine who had been dating the girl for 7 years. Needless to say he is torn up about it. What drives someone to kill themselves and another?  In a way i sorta hope that the Dr.'s find out they were on some sort of drug that caused them to do this. However from what i have been told this tragedy was planned. A fact that makes this even more chilling. And to make things worse the guy who did the deed was a long time childhood friend of my older brother (the one who is in the Navy). Of course we have unsuccessful in getting ahold of him God only knows how he will react.

Of course this isn't even the icing on the shit cake that has been my Thursday. To make matters worse out of all the sailors on my brother's ship he has been chosen to be as they call it "Boot up and Suit up". He is going to get a crash course in field combat and then he will be shipped off to Afghanistan with the Marines. Of course once he gets the news of his best friend killing himself who knows what will happen. As far as i am concerned i don't think i can handle another folded flag in the household.

MSL (Music as a Second Language)

Everybody listens to music or at least has at one point in their lives. Music can do alot of things for people. It can be used to help people who have debilitating psychotic disabilities like Dementia or Alzheimer's. It can be used to send a specific political message across and change peoples opinions or challenge how we think. It can help console people when they are sad or just add to joy and laughter when spending time with friends. It is what helps drive movies and is all around us. But what is music? Music is the most abstract form of art there is. Nothing is as complicated to understand or as easy to appreciate.  When you listen to "Moonlight Sonata" what do you feel? Do you feel sad or alone? Or how about Canon in D do you feel warm and happy? As someone who is a musician (though a mediocre one) music isn't just something listen to. It becomes something you read and recognize with it becomes a second language. I have been constantly flirting with the idea of being a music major but then i realize it would be impractical to do so. But this music, this mystery is something that i long to understand. Something i wish to manipulate to paint pictures in the mind of people. Ive never been able to sing but have always had an ear for music.  I find it truly brilliant when i listen to a song and all the pianist has to do is change one note in a chord and the entire mood and atmosphere of the song changes. My favorite part of mass is the singing and listening to the choir (even if it is the same song every Sunday). Listening to how the singer and pianist reflect the mood of the psalm by playing in a Minor or Major key.  To be able to take something as bulky and cumbersome as a piano and make such a soft beautiful sound out of it is something that should be awe inspiring.  But music truly is a different language. You need to learn how to count and how to tell what dialect you should speak at a certain point in the song.  If you can learn to read the language it tells you how fast or slow, how loud or soft you should play.  Out of all of the foreign languages in the world music is the only one that everybody can relate to. You may not be able to speak the language. But everyone can feel it.

When Heaven Meets Earth.

So the past two weeks i have been extremely fortunate in the fact that i was able to grab a priest literally 20 minutes before Mass started to hear a confession so i could receive the Eucharist at Mass. The first time it was Fr. Jose the second it was Fr. Greg.  I know it may be stressful for a priest to hear someones confession before Mass but it is one of the most amazing feelings to receive both of those sacraments back to back in the same day. There is no greater example of Gods mercys than when he absolves us of all our sin in the Sacrament of reconciliation. And there is no greater example of Gods love for us when he Gives us himself in the Eucharist. God creator of all things humbles himself to a piece of bread and gives not just a piece of himself, but all of himself to us in one instance. What greater love is there than to give ALL of yourself to someone?

When i received Christ at mass today I went back to my pue and prayed and i asked God to help me find the love and faith within myself so i could pass it on to others. It only takes the faith the size of a mustard seed to do great things and it isn't that we don't have faith it is just we don't realize it.

However the night only got better tonight we had an Adoration prayer service for youth group. Which meant i got to play music in the sanctuarywith Dan on a Grand Piano.  But it wasn't what i was playing that excited me it was who i was playing for.  God himself was present tonight and i got to play the piano for HIM!! (talk about pressure). My favorites song that we played that night was "How He Loves Us" by David Crowder. And between playing for Jesus and the teens i really prayed that the teens would realize just how much God really does love us.  My favorite line in the song is "Heaven meets Earth like an unforeseen kiss and my heart turns violently inside my chest and i don't have time to maintain these regrets when i realize how he loves us".  I don't know if you have ever been in a relationship with someone and they just give you a random kiss to show their affection for you and the feeling that comes along with it. It is a feeling of surprise and compassion when something like that happens. No imagine you are in a room and all of a sudden God creator of all things wraps his arms around you and instead of saying i love you he shows you how much he loves you by giving you his son. And at that point you look back on your life and you see...everything you did wrong.....all of the mistakes you've made, all the wrong turns and stumbles and falls that brought you to where you are now....prostrate in front of Jesus Christ himself and instead of him scolding you or lecturing you he looks at you with his tender eyes and he says "I love you so much child" and at that point everything you did everything you messed up, all of the regrets you had are gone and you realize the only thing that had been missing the whole time was Jesus. And its at that moment where Heaven Meets Earth

Heroes

I think at some point in our lives we all dream about being a superhero of sorts. But as we get older we realize that superpowers don't exist. So then what do we do? We find characters or make up heroes who are as close to human as possible and then we take the power that they have been given or accidentally stumbled upon in a freak laboratory accident and we make it seem like a curse.  When the idea of a hero first emerged it was someone who was pretty much flawless. Good looks, Charm, witty and was always honest. But as time went on people got bored with heroes. Why? Well simply because we need people we can relate to.  I think nowadays a "Hero" is somebody who steps up in the face of adversity and does whats right. The only problem is right and wrong are often subjected to the persons own personally opinion and biases. The way I always see myself being a "Hero" is when i am daydreaming. Often it involves something bad or terrible happening. I'll be in a store and ill imagine a guy coming in with a gun and he tries to hold it up. But then (duh duh duh duh!!!) at the moment where all hope seems lost i make a courageous move and i stop the assailant often taken a bullet to the shoulder or some none vital area that way i have a cool scar to tell  the ladies about. I recently watched the movie Kick Ass which is about this local kid who gets the idea of becoming a vigilante.  During one of the early fight scenes where "Kick Ass" is trying to help a man who is getting jumped by three other guys, which ultimately results in himself getting the crap kicked out of him one of the assailants looks at him and says "why are you doing this?" and he responds "because its the right thing to do!". Do you have to come across some extraordinary circumstances to be a hero? Or is it simply just a matter of doing the right thing? Personally i think it is when we handle the ordinary every day struggles by doing the right thing, that is when we have the real victories. So i guess all i am trying to say is you don't need extraordinary circumstances to be a hero you just gotta do the right thing. However, that doesn't mean you should stop dreaming i mean who knows maybe you'll get your chance to shine one day.

Be here now.

Don't let your soul get lonely child
It's only time, it will go by
Don't look for love in faces, places
It's in you, that's where you'll find kindness

Be here now, here now
Be here now, here now

Don't lose your faith in me
And I will try not to lose faith in you
Don't put your trust in walls
'Cause walls will only crush you when they fall

Be here now, here now
Be here now, here now
For so long i have been struggling. I was struggling to find the love of that special someone. that person who puts the butterflies in your stomach the on that makes your heart race. I have always put my trust and love in people and things. But i feel like i never really loved myself. Not in the self centered narcissitic way but i have always thought that if someone didn't love me then i was somehow defective. Like Charlie in the Box. you know the one who Rudolf finds on the island of misfit toys? After realizing that the person i thought was the one, the person who i wanted to give all my love too, that person who gave me butterflies wasn't the right one. I felt numb. Like i had nothing left. that if she wouldn't accept it and take it then nobody would. But after listening to this song and reading the lyrics something dawned on me. Sorta like an epiphany.  When i think of all those whom i love people like Logan, Stephanie , Erin, Chris ( my friend), Chris (my brother), and everyone else. I realized that I had the love i was looking for this whole time. As good ol' Ray says "Don't look for Love in faces places, its in you that's where you'll find kindness. I don't think Kindness and love are synonymous but i do think that they are complementary. I love my friends and my family more than anything else in this world. But i feel like it has taken me up until now to realize that I was confused and i didn't have my faith in the right place. I put my trust in walls instead of a sturdy foundation.  And when push came to shove the walls i trusted came tumbling down leaving me in the rubble of my emotions. My soul was lonely and i felt like i had nothing left. Nothing more to give.  But when i took a moment to reflect to listen to the song and really think about where i am and who i am and what i do. I realized that the love i wanted was inside of me and will always be here no and forever. As long as i trust in love then i will not fall.

This next part is for you. You know who you are and you know i love you. I would do anything for you if only you asked i would be by your side holding your hand and sheltering you from anything that tried to hurt you. But that is not my part in this story. That role belongs to somebody else. And instead of supporting him and helping him with what he needed i put him down and didn't let trust in love. Instead i trusted in myself which i found only brought me more pain and heartache. I love you so much and i am sorry for all the pain i put you through. There is alot of things i wish i didn't say and resentment that i should have let go sooner. But i love you and him, and i will always be here now and forever

I Love You Both.

A little friend of mine

So let me tell you about a friend i have. It started a few months ago when i firs met him. I saw him sitting on the floor playing and when i walked in the room the first thing he did was look at me and stretch his arms out. He had no idea who i was or what i was doing. All he wanted to do was share the love. I bent down and picked him and immediately received a hug. From that point on i knew things weren't going to be the same. I love this little guy and regardless of what sort of day i am having he always finds a way to cheer me up. whether he knows it or not. 

Sure he has his days when he is frustrated or just plain grumpy but even then he is still a joy to be around. I think it is because whenever i look at him i don't see a 2 year old with a learning disability or anything like that. I look at him and i see hope.

If the Dr.'s were right then he should have been dead. He was born early due to a car crash and the Docs didn't even give him 24 hours. Well 24 months later he is still alive and kicking..and slapping...and sometimes headbutting. When he is happy there is enough joy to light up the entire house. If he starts laughing then everyone around him cant help but to laugh. I love this kid and i know he feels the same way. Because he knows when i am sad and he knows just how to cheer me up.

I think in the end we could all use a little Logan in our lives.

Love is...

So the Bible says that love is kind and patient it does not boast, it does not delight in evil but rejoices in righteousness. What most people don't pick up on is if you want to understand love all you have to do is read the passion. Love is painful, Love hurts, Love are scourges on your back and nails in your hand, Love is a crown of thorns on your head and a pierced heart.  If this is w\hat will make you happy then fine. I just hope you understand what you are asking me to do.  I cant just shut off my feelings. My whole life i have always been good at faking whether it is being dick or my emotions. I can always hide behind a smile and a witty ( and sometimes dirty) sense of humor.  If it will make you happy if it will make the hurt stop then fine. Ill stop. I have no fucking clue how. But i guess its up to me. God why did you make love so painful??

Why does it always rain on me?

There is a lot in life i don't understand.. I got the strangest feeling we belong but it just seems that i am the only one. Why do i feel this way? It isn't my choice i didn't ask for this, it just...happened. Is it a coincidence? No i don't believe in coincidences there has to be some reason. Does God just want me to sit back and watch? If that is the case why didn't he choose someone who can actually do that? When i see you or think about you or just spend time with you. Everything is ok and nothing really matters. But when you leave the clouds start to roll in and the rain starts pouring. Everyone tells me its alright and i see the light but the tunnel just gets infinitely longer it is almost like it is teasing me. Well i guess if there is one thing nobody can take away its my music. I will always have that to fall back on (to bad its not a woman).  But even that is just an abstract concept it isn't tangible.  So no matter how much i listen to it i will never be able to hold it in my hand.  Maybe that's what you are an  abstract person someone i see and talk to and spend time with, but am never able to hold you. You asked me "if you could do one thing right now what would it be?" After having more time to think about it my answer is to stop the rain from falling. To keep you with me. But It seems that even when the sun is shining i still cant avoid the lightning strikes. Because i know that you will always have to leave me. But out of all the things that frustrate me the one thing that i always come back to is how did i get in the middle of this storm? But i guess that is how it works you cant control the rain or the weather it just happens so i guess the real question is why me?

Lock it up tight.

It seems that everywhere i turn i am caught between a rock and a hard spot. Every decision i make just leads me down a path of long lectures of how wrong i am. I am sick and tired of this crap.  I know i am not perfect and like everyone i make mistakes but sometimes i feel people overreact 90% of the time. But i Guess that is the price i pay for being misunderstood.  I don't even know what to say. People accusing me of shit putting in their 2 cents when they don't even know half of whats going on. Then calling me a hypocrite really? I mean come on you through your problems at me and i try my best to help i don't stick my nose in your business and act like i know everything.  Sure i may be a bit rough around the edges but that's my personality.  I don't do anything to Jeopardize other people i only put myself at risk. I am no one important so that is why it doesn't really matter to me if i get hurt or get into trouble.  i have never been a violent person but i just want to hit something right now.  You hurt me in a way that i cant even describe and you think its ok? Like you can just act like i don't care. I really envy people like Eminem someone who is able to take his feelings and put them into a song or lyrics. And when he is pissed you know it. That is talent letting people know how you feel. If i could do that i would.  Have you ever been hurt by someone you love and care about?  Whenever i think of you right now i get angry i don't want to be angry at you but you leave me no choice. You did this to me! I was really hoping we could hit the pads at Kung Fu tonight but we did staff work instead it was hard controlling myself you cant use to much force with staff otherwise it comes back and hits you in the head (yes i have had this happen several times). And the worst part is if i don't get rid of this anger then feel I know i sound like him. That guy who hurts you the one that i cant even look at anymore without getting furious. And i hate myself for sounding like him.  I need someone right now but everyone is against me. Looks like i am back where i started fending for myself. See what happens you let people in and they mess you up.  Next time i think i will just lock the doors.

Honesty

My older brother once told me the more honest the Truth is the more it will hurt. So does that mean life should be sugar coated or that we shouldn't bother telling the e truth? I have sat and watched as you get hurt physically and emotionally. And yet i am still the bad guy? i offer my support and my help and yet i hurt you? I simply call it as i a see it and how it is and yet i am wrong? Or is it that the honest truth hurts to much? You call me up crying on the phone telling me you deserve to be loved and you do but yet the next day it is like nothing ever happened. And i am stuck staring at him wishing i could make a connection. NOT a mental one NO! I mean a connection between his jaw and my fist. But i wont. Why? Because i care about you.  But i guess caring isn't all its cracked up to be. Apparently caring is the wrong thing to do. It's like when your alarm goes off and all you do is ignore it and go back to sleep because you don't want to face the challenges of the next day. So i ask are you ever gonna answer the alarm? You love him i get that I'm not stupid. But there is a line between Love and plain insanity. He says he loves you but actions speak louder than words. What are his actions speaking to you? I don't even no why i bother writing this you prolly got down to the third or fourth line and just exited saying to yourself "That's fine and Dandy but he just doesn't understand". What is there to understand? You have been looking for someone to love you and you settle for him? Sure he says it but there is no feeling. Even when i sit with you guys he takes you for granted the way he talks to you the way he treats you. But who cares what i think right? I'm just me. Silly little Michael who just doesn't understand. Or The guy who only has half the story. Well if that is the truth then why don't you give me the rundown and if you have and you still don't agree with what i say. Then i feel it is a matter of you just not wanting to come to terms with the Honest truth. But what does it matter what i say right? I am just silly little Michael who just doesn't understand. Or maybe just maybe you are the person who doesn't understand.

Where were you when...

There was a man who had only one son. No other children just his one son whom he loved dearly.  The mans wife had died during child birth so in a sense all he had left was his one son. People would tell the mans son that he had the strength of his father but the kind and genlte heart of his mom. He was the kin of guy that would be your friend no matte what and would always be there if you needed him. But the one thing the boy loved more than anything else was his father. Instead of watching tv at night they would sit out on the back porch and his Dad would tell him stories of  his mother while the little boy fell asleep in his lap. One day when then little boy was walking to school for his first day of 5th grade something tragic had happened. It was a rainy day and the boy was struck by a drunk driver. By the time the father had made it to the hospital it was too late...the boy had died. To make matters worse the authorities were never able to catch the man who had killed the little boy. The father was stricken with grief his wife had died and now he lost the only thing in the world that had made his life worth living. He would sit alone on the porch at night crying holding a picture of his little boy that they, had taken during a yankees game.  He seldom went out and if he did he would avoid contact with people and just get what he needed and go back home and stare at the picture of his boy.  The father was so upset that he left the planning of his sons funeral to his pastor who was kind enough to do it.  When the day of the funeral came the father had shown up to the church drunk and would burst out in tears from time to time. At the reception he talked to no one and just sat motionless in his chair. After all the mourners had left he stood at his sones grave sight all day and a good way throught the night. Finally as if prompted by the churping crickets he began to yell and curse god. "Where were you?!" he cried Why didnt you do something?! "Where were you when the drunk got behind the wheel?" "Where were you when my son died in the hospital?!" "Couldnt you have at least let me say goodbye?" the man was crying uncontrollably, tears were streaming down his face as he looked and shouted "Well!! Arent you gonna answer me all powerful God?" "WHERE THE WERE YOU?!" The man sank to his knees, he felt like he was gonna vomit from all of the crying and screaming he rested his head in his hands sobbing constantly repeating the words "where were you?". He sat there waiting for an answer but nothing came. the man was angry and was getting ready to leave when he saw a light. It wasnt a blinding light but it was enought to get his attention. It was like a bright star in the night sky. There came a loud booming voice
 "Do not despair".
 "Are you kidding me?"the dad said "My son has been taken from me he is dead the only thing i had left and he was wrenched form my arms" "Where were you on that one God? Huh! You gonna answer? Where were you?"
"I was in the same place I was in the day MY son was murdered" the voice said.
Then the light disappeared and the night was calm and quiet.

So theres this girl...

As I sat on the back porch of Logan's Grandparents' house enjoying some quiet time with my pipe my thoughts started to wonder to a particular individual. It is an interesting predicament I have found myself in because she is single she is smart and she is very attractive. But there is a catch (what you thought it would be easy?). She is a few years younger than me not to much but enough that there is a difference. Even though she is young she is extremely mature and isn't as stupid as a lot of the younger girls i know. Not that i no a lot. She has found her way into my thoughts and i don't know what to do. is this a test for me from God? I care about her and she seems to care about me but we have mutually come to an agreement that now would not be a good time to even think about any sort of relationship beyond the point of friends. But everyday as we talk that agreement seems harder and harder to hold up too. I have a feeling that she feels the same way but both of us are aware of the possible consequences of what could happen. And yet as i was thinking about this while staring at my reflection in the pool it felt right. Of course i have done a lot of things that "feel right" and they usually end up being wrong. How do i get myself in these situations? Is this something that is suppose to be just not now? Or is this some wild fantasy i have? Do i love her? No but i do care about her and who knows what may happen in the future i don't only God. I hat not having control or even an idea of what is to come. I hope this works out but i am not going to be stupid about it. What ever happen to the days where consequence was just a word and not a reality? Well in the end all i can do is hope for the best right? But as i stared at the rippling water of the pool i couldn't help but to think about those blue eyes. Hmm maybe one day i can right a song about them.

Behind Brown Eyes

So I have always considered myself the hero in the story of life. That guy who is always there when someone needs help or someone to talk to or needs advice. Or when someone is in danger I always imagined it would be me who comes to save them. But i feel like i have not properly casted myself. As much as i may like to think of myself as the hero i cant help but to shake the feeling that i am the bad guy. You know the one who is trying to help but only ends up messing things up?  What if I am not supposed to be the hero does that make me the villain? I sure as hell am not gonna be a pedestrian or some person in distress no, i am either the hero or the villain no in between. I don't want to be the bad guy but it just seems to end up that way no matter what I do. Its like that The Who wrote "Behind Blue Eyes" except mine are brown.  I wish someone was out there who could relate who understood what its like to be "fated" (pronounced like faited). " But my dreams aren't as empty as my conscience seems to be".  But what is the point of having a dream if you have no one to share it with? I have hours, only lonely.  But I guess i am asking to much because really nobody is going to know what its like "Behind Brown Eyes". I cant expect people to understand me because to simply put it, They are not me.  Well maybe one day someone will come along but I guess for now I am on my own.

Wouldn't it be nice?

Sometimes i ask myself...will i ever fall in love? Or am i destined to be a hopeless romantic lost in a world fueled by raging hormones and sex drives. I find myself in this predicament often where I find a nice girl who is attractive and smart but really is only looking for one thing. Ironic isn't it? My gender is constantly being stereotyped as animals who rely on their reproductive instinct to live their lives. And yet all of the encounters i have had it has been the exact opposite (note to self: have a long talk with whoever wrote high school biology books). Or i meet a girl who is attractive but is lacking a specific...depth she doesn't make decisions based off of her own convictions but tends to be easily influenced by everyone around her. Or the the last and most often predicament I find her that diamond in the rough who is beautiful, smart, elegant and loving BUT...she always has a boyfriend. As Smash mouth once said "whats the use in trying? all you get is pain, when i wanted sunshine I got rain".  Maybe i am just picky but i have always been taught to maintain my standards no matter what and lets be honest..when has slumming ever lead to a good relationship I mean have you ever seen an episode of Jerry Springer?  I don't wanna sound like i am complaining although i fear it is already too late for that but Wouldn't it be nice if i could wake up in the morning and have her by my side? That "special" someone that everyone says i am destined for?  Everyone else i know has found somebody so..why cant i? Why cant i just catch a break and accidentally stumble across my future wife in a parking lot or realize the person who is supposed to be with me has been my best friend for years? Wouldn't it be nice?

First Time

Just checkin to see if my blog is up and runnig