Unestanding

So i went on a retreat for the weekend and it felt good to get away for awhile. I needed time to think to figure what the hell i am doing and to figure out what i need to do. Well since i was on a retreat and away from everything i was actually able to pray without being interrupted without worry. I love silence especially when in the presence of the Eucharist. Things have been rough this entire month. Not to mention i managed to almost shatter a relationship with someone i  hold very near and dear to me.  But God being loving and understanding helped me this weekend. And Mary Jesus's mother was able to comfort me and help point me in the direction i needed to be going.

When Father Richard gave his homily Saturday afternoon. He talked about humility and how we are all like rubber bands and humility keeps us grounded. However if we attempt to take on to much or think higher of ourselves or do something we aren't meant to do then we snap. Mary said yes to the will of God. Instead of keeping and holding on to her free will she gave it to God saying your will not mine. She recognized the fact that she was small compared to God but because she was humble she is exalted now as the Queen of heaven.

After the Homily i was able to catch Fr. Richard before he left so i may be able to reconcile with God for all the pain and suffering i caused you.  It was a good confession and one that was much needed. Shortly after the Core team at Most Holy Trinity gave everybody a rose to place at the feet of Mary's statue that was there. I was the last person to place my rose and as i looked at it i couldn't help but to notice how beautiful it was. A mixture of orange and red and a wonderful fragrance. What better flower is there to place at the feet of the Blessed Mother than the one that is known around the world as the most beautiful flower of all.  When i placed it at her feet i looked into her eyes and i felt comfort. Deep in those sorrowful eyes she had I knew she loved me and i knew she cared and always would.  However the comfort found in her eyes was not as much as what came later.

Adoration. that night when the Eucharist was brought out i was felt overwhelmed with love. I will never be able to describe how much i love Jesus and what he has done for us, or how he has humbled himself in the form of bread so that we may be nourished spiritually.  After the opening song i walked off the stage to humble myself in front of the Lord and it didn't take long before i lay in front of him face down in awe and reverence. I told him everything (as if he didn't know it already) and his response was simple: "Still your heart, I am here and I love you. I know you are troubled but i am here now. Be still." In the silence and presence of God there is nothing that cant be done. Jesus I love you, Mary I love you.

When i left for the retreat i was weak and needed comfort. I was lost and needed direction and i was broken. I had stretched myself by doing something that God did not intend for me to do. But through his love and mercy God gave me strength. He helped me find my way. He helped repair the brokenness inside and he helped me understand what i need to do.

We cant turn back time we make mistakes and we must learn from them. I pray that what was broken between us can be repaired. I pray that the line we walk will no longer be fragile and wont break. I pray that you still think that my string of lights are shining because there is alot i need to tell you.

The Future

The future is a scary idea. I don't know what it holds. I look ahead and see a glimpse of hope that one day everything will be ok and that you wont look at me and want to runaway. Not cuz I'm ugly not cuz scary but because of the hurt i caused you. I know words will never fix it  only time can. But I'll be right here waiting for you.  The future is always uncertain. And i don't know how the rest of this will play out. I'm willing to except any punishment for the pain I've caused.  Its hard to think of life without you as my friend but if that's what it takes to heal your wounds. If that will take away the pain I've caused. If it'll take away the fear that has surfaced because of me. Then ill understand. I wanna say those three words to you but i know it'll just upset you. But they will always hold true.

7:30

They say the more honest the truth is the more it hurts. I abandoned my best friend. I cant make excuses i cant point fingers at anybody but myself. I abandoned her.  And the irony is i am the one who is crawling back begging for her to take me back. I didn't do it intentionaly but did it nonetheless. I left a scar in her heart and one on her body. But the funny thing about scars is that if you take care of them before the scab over and you don't pick at it then there wont be one.  I know i left a mark i know there is pain. And i am the cause. Maybe if since i am the one who caused the pain i can help take it away. I know its a huge stretch but who knows.  If you wont take me back that's ok. But just let me help you one more time. I know i deserve to sit here in shame and in pain because of what i have caused. But you don't. You don't deserve the pain i have caused you don't deserve the scar i left on you or any of the scars on your body. 7:30 will be the last chance ill get i plan on doing whatever i can for you . No matter how bad it hurts me. Thats a promise.

Nothing hurts more than the failure. Failure to get good grades failure please parents but the worst feeling is failure to be a friend. I am not trying to feel sorry for myself. But when you hurt someone you love and care about to teh point where they wont trust you anymore is painful.  But what i did was take a friendship that was built on "no matter whats" and turned into an "provding yo dont".I hurt somebody to the point where they cant even see the love i have for them. They only see me as somebody who hurt them. They dont understand my intentiosn were never to push them away or to throw away what we had but none of that matters anymore. But the worst part is, when you have so much love to givet to someone and they refuse it. Its like its poisoned or tainted.  And because they are hurt they wont accept it because they wont believe that someone who hurt them can really love them. No one hurts more than a person who's love is rejected.

God please. Just give me an oppurtunity to show my love for my friend. Give me an oppurtunity to gain her trust back. Give me an oppurtunity to show her how much she really means to me. You gave her to me as an extension of your ownlove and comapssion. I prayed that i needed someone to love me and someone who will comfort me and you gave me her.  Please God i didnt mean push her away.  God just let me show her.

I love you God even tho i am crying and hurting i love you and trust you. Just please make everything better.

He put that bottle to his head and pulled the trigger
And finally drank away her memory
Life is short but this time it was bigger
Than the strength he had to get up off his knees
We found him with his face down in the pillow
With a note that said I'll love her till I die
And when we buried him beneath the willow
The angels sang a whiskey lullaby

I never thought a country song of all things would be able to depict how i feel. FML

6:24

Its been 21 hours no sleep no comfort just tears and a stomach ache. Idk whats worse. The fact that i have to trudge trhough school today or the fact my best friend hates me.

My step-dad got mad at me once and called me worthless piece of shit. Maybe he was on to something.  Idk why i am still writing on my blog nobody reads it anymore.

Its 12:10 i have five hours of sleep left. But eveytime i go and lay down all i can think of is the friend Ive lost and how much i hate myself for losing her. And nothing is really helping the stone that is in my chest right now. instead of the steady thumping it is more like a painful scraping.  I just want my best friend back. I just want her to know how sorry i am. that i wasn't trying to walk away  i was trying to make things better. That i didn't mean to hurt her. I feel like a broken record but i don't want this to be goodbye..  I don't want her to hate me.

I have lost my only friend. The only friend who loved me for me. the only friend who would hold me when i cry. and now i feel more alone than i ever have before. And the worst part is its all my fault. Nobody to blame but myself. If only i could tell them how sorry i am. If only she would listen. But i don't blame her i don't wanna be around myself either.Congratulations Michael you have finally managed to push the best thing that has ever happened to you out of your life.  I didn't mean to make you cry i thought it was what was best. And you didn't say anything.But i shouldve talked to you about it first.So now i am stuck and nobody is here to help me. And nobody but myself is to blame.  I wanted to take your pain away not add to it. I wanted to reduce your scars not cause more. But i didn't and i am so sorry you probably wont read this and if you do it wont matter cuz i hurt you to much. i never realized how much i meant to you i no i don't deserve a second chance but if you find it in your heart to give me one i will make up for the pain that i have caused. I just want my friend back.

What to Do?

I don't know what to do anymore.The way i feel only  hurts. I wish i could get rid of all of my feelings. I have been beaten up picked on. Kicked while i was down (literally).  Have been poked and prodded with needles. i have had seizures that have left me with back pain because of the way my back would contort. I have sprained my ankle. I nearly tore my Achilles Tendon. Ive been kicked in the groin. I have had an entertainment stand fall on top of me and have had the glass shatter on my arm. Ive fallen off my bike and into bear grass and cacti.  And yet everytime i have gritted my teeth and bared the pain,. Gotten back up from the floor and kept swinging till i was unconscious i have dragged people down to the floor with me and never given up until my bones were nearly at the point of breaking. But one of this can compare to the ache i feel inside. the longing for something that i know i will never have and yet i still fill my head with hope of possibility.  I never wanted this i never asked. I am told to just move on. I am told only time will fix this.  But it feels like a scab forms and you just sorta keep picking at.  Keep picking and eventually you will have a scar.  How so you fight something that you cant see? How do you fight something that hits 20 times harder in a place that causes the worst pain in the world? I try to talk to other people i try to move on. But when nothing happens all the feelings remain the same what is there to do? I just don't know what to do anymore.  Am i stupid for thinking there may be a future? And if there isn't can i really handle the truth of something like that? Knowing that i will only watch from afar? I have never believed in chance. But then why? Why would God have us meet? Why would God torture me with these feelings if it wasn't supposed to mean something?  What is wrong with me?

So it was a weird weekend. Basically my best friend came over on Friday and pretty much read me like an open book. I guess i wasn't looking inside of myself because i was afraid of what i might find. And i was right i hated what i found but i needed to bring it out. And she did just that.  It was a very sad sight though I didn't want her to leave cuz i really needed someone to cry on but i was to stupid to stop her from leaving. I spent a good chunk of my weekend in solitude crying because i realized all the people i had hurt. I didn't mean to of course, but that's me always messing something up.  But amidst all of that i learned something. And that my best friend really does love me. And even though it isn't the kind of love that i had hoped for it is still love nonetheless. And even now just thinking about it it makes me kinda teary eyed because i have never really been loved in that way before. I mean ya my family loves me but i have never had a friend who i can really be myself around someone who genuinely cares about me.  And its weird because i don't know how to feel about this. I have never been in touch with my feelings persey, but this makes me feel...vulnerable. And part of me is sorta afraid of this feeling because i don't wanna get hurt and thrown on the back -burner which has happened so many times before.  i have always asked God to send me someone special someone who will love me. And i know it is a different kind of love than what i want but it is still love.  And if this is just a precursor of what is to come then i cant wait. I know i need to move on and i am trying but that doesn't mean i will ever stop loving you.  You mean so much to me and God put you in my life for a reason i see him in you every time you tell me it'll be ok or when you tell me not to worry or when you tell me you love me.  I cant tell you how much i appreciate what you did for me on Friday even tho it hurts it was true all of it. I just wish that sometime i can return the favor and show you just how much you mean to me. I love you and i just wanted to tell you that you are unlike any friend i have ever had and i hope that i will always have you in my life.

Loose Leaves

The story is in the soil
Loose leaves cover the ground
There are volumes in the forest no one reads out loud
If I could take them down off of that mountain shelf...we used to climb but no one tries to go up that far now
Yeah, we're all too busy working, entertaining ourselves, 40 hours, television and prescription pills
Well, I take two a day to make my brain behave
It never does but who is to say, at least my doctor gets paid
So that's fine, yeah come by, we will take the afternoon off
We can kiss and undress or if you want just talk
Because I have got nothing real, just empty space to fill
And you are my girl, I like your style, just imagine all the time we could kill

And time's not poison but once you drink it all you'll die
So lets just sip it real slow, yeah, we can nurse it all night
Try to believe that once its gone they will pour another round
and come back to life
We'll come right back

well, it's all moving faster now, yeah, and that's what they said
And though some days still take forever I can't disagree
Because it seems to me that I wake up and sleep, look in the mirror have no idea what happened in between
But I remember counting days down until the year could be done
So I could scatter all my notebooks on the prep school lawn
And disappear again into a summer's bliss of staying out and sleeping in and getting drunk with my friends
now that's gone and I know that it won't ever come back
I accept
I won't cling to what I had in the past but life's a slippery slope
Regret is the steepest hill
Hope for the best
Plan for the worst and maybe wind up somewhere in the middle
And I'm not saying that I know what I want
But I know what I don't, don't want to rot in my room and never know what could have been, believe what everyone else tells me is true

They will say 'true'
(yeah, they say its true!)
yeah they say 'true'
(they say, yeah they say, they say
yeah they say 'true')
(That's what they say
that's it)

Barely Breathing

The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting though i still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for a purpose, they're still looking for life

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm hangin' on another day
Just to see what you will throw my way
And I'm hanging on to the words you say
You said that I will be ok.

There you have it the only thoughts that are in my head and they aren't even my own. I'm sorry i hurt you. I'm sorry cuz i am a terrible friend. But I'm broken and i need you please don't walk away i just need you to tell me everything is gonna be ok.

Hold Me

I am
terrified of all things
frightened of the dark
I am

you are
taller than a mountain
deeper than the sea
you are

hold me
Is anybody out there?

I wish I could find the right words to describe how i am feeling at this point in my life. But it seems nothing i can say or write will start to scratch the surface of how i feel. The feelings aren't good which sucks cuz i haven't felt "Good" in awhile. And the more aware of these feelings i become the more i realize how much it sucks to be human. I was online and i couldn't help but to feed my curious side and i googled why does love hurt. Of course i got a list of child and spousal abuse websites but i did find one article and it said: "Love doesn't hurt at all, quite the contrary. However, it is when we don't have mutual love that when love becomes painful". As i kept reading i sorta liked what i read until i saw something that made me upset. It said "True Love is a give and take". Maybe i am wrong but with love there should be no take only give BUT each person needs to give the love they have to the other person. Not one person give and the other one just sits there. Jesus didn't take anything he just gave.But what do you do when the person you love doesn't want it? Or anybody for that matter. Sometimes i feel stupid posting this stuff on my blog. But i guess hopefully it will change someones life. I doubt cuz no one really cares but hey nothing wrong with dreaming right? Of course my mom says i do that to often.  Idk where i was going with all of this. I just thought it would maybe help me get a grip on things but i guess not. Whenever i am out with family or my brothers and there is a girl around they always push me to go talk to her. I never do though, mainly because i can already tell you what is going to happen so i save myself the trouble. Or the person in question doesn't meet my standards. Not that i have room to have any i am no prince charming or anyone special but i will never settle even if that means i have to die alone, i will never settle.  If there is one thing i learned people who settle end up on Jerry Springer.  I feel like i am just rambling so i am sorry for wasting your time if you read this.I am trying to make myself feel better but the more i right the more i realize how stupid and pathetic i am. I wish i could be like Davy Jones from Pirates of the Caribbean, Just take a knife and carve my heart out so i don't have to hurt anymore. But oh well that's just a movie and another stupid fantasy in the world of Michael.

Bright Eyes

When panic grips your body
And your heart's a hummingbird
Raven thoughts blacken your mind
'Til you're breathing in reverse
All your friends and incentives mean well
But make it worse
Every reassurance just magnifies the doubt
Better find yourself a place to level out

Got a cricket for a conscience
Always looks the other way
A cocaine soul starts seeming like
An empty cabaret
Hey, where have all the dancers gone?
Now the music doesn't play
Tried to listen to the river
But you couldn't shut your mouth
Better take a little time to level out

I never thought of running
My feet just led the way

Mixed-up signals
Bullet train
Cars are switched out in the crazy rain
I could meet you any place
If the brakeman turns my way

All this automatic writing
I have tried to understand
From a psychedelic angel
Who was tugging on my hand
It's an infinite coincidence
But it doesn't form a plan
So I'm headed for New England
Or the Paris of the South
Gonna find myself somewhere to level out

Are your brothels full, oh Babylon
With merry middlemen?
Never peer out of their periscopes
From those deep opium dens
All this death must need a counterweight
Always someone born again
First a mother bathes her child
Then the other way around
The scales always find a way to level out

I tried to pass for nothing
But my dreams gave me away

Mixed-up signals
Bullet train
People snuffed out in the brutal rain
I could live to any age
If the brakeman turns my way

It is an old world, it's hard to remember
Like a dime store mystery
I'm a repeat first-time offender
Who has rewritten history

Mixed-up tea leaves
Phantom pain
Fuzzy logic in the the crazy rain
Getting better every day
If the brakeman turns my way

Mixed-up signals
Bullet train
Cars are switched out in the blinding rain
He'll be smiling as he seals my fate
When the brakeman turns my way

Best Friend

Recent events have been fairly tragic as of late. Ive been dealing with stuff that nobody should have to deal with but such is life. But throughout this whole ordeal i just want to know where am i going? Losing someone is never easy but when that person is lost because the committed suicide is even more shocking. It seems that no expression is ever enough to console the loved ones of that persons family. I'm sorry just doesn't work. My condolences? This isn't the Godfather. But out of the few people i have told one question that is very upsetting to me is Why? I tell them a friend committed suicide and they ask me why? I don't know how to respond to that question. If i had known why then maybe this could've been prevented maybe i or someone else could have helped them see reason to live instead of abruptly ending there lives at the age of 23.

Which brings me to myself I have only contemplated suicide once. A loong time ago. And for me it wasn't because i was sad or hopeless it was because i was angry and felt like nobody understood me. I really don't have very many friends. There are people i know and still talk to but out of all the people i know i really only have a few, enough to count on my hands. Kevin, Chris (my brother), My Mom, Josh, Nick, Erin, Jacob, Chris and Stephanie. The first 5 are family so i guess that automatically rules them as friends. But out of the last four the only person who i really talk to is Stephanie. I am not an easy person to be around.  I can put on a show for people tell jokes and make them laugh but there is only one person i can be around where i am actually me. She is someone i don't have to put on a facade for, because even if i do she will see right through it. And even more she is the ONLY person i will listen to country music with. When i need somebody to talk to or need to be comforted she is always there. Regardless of what time of day it is. And because of the things that she has been through in her past she gets me and understands where i am coming from. She doesn't judge me or think i am crazy. She is my best friend and someone i admire and look up to. I understand that we will never be more than just friends. But as long as she is there it doesn't really matter.

What drives people to commit suicide? How hopeless must you really be? As i got out of the shower this morning i was hit with news. One of my friends had committed suicide. Him and the girls he was with had planed this he shot her and then himself. Had it been a car accident or something else i don't think the shock would've been as bad. But as i sit writing this blog i still cannot fathom the feeling that both of these people had felt. They both left suicide notes. I am unaware to what they said all i know is one was addressed to another friend of mine who had been dating the girl for 7 years. Needless to say he is torn up about it. What drives someone to kill themselves and another?  In a way i sorta hope that the Dr.'s find out they were on some sort of drug that caused them to do this. However from what i have been told this tragedy was planned. A fact that makes this even more chilling. And to make things worse the guy who did the deed was a long time childhood friend of my older brother (the one who is in the Navy). Of course we have unsuccessful in getting ahold of him God only knows how he will react.

Of course this isn't even the icing on the shit cake that has been my Thursday. To make matters worse out of all the sailors on my brother's ship he has been chosen to be as they call it "Boot up and Suit up". He is going to get a crash course in field combat and then he will be shipped off to Afghanistan with the Marines. Of course once he gets the news of his best friend killing himself who knows what will happen. As far as i am concerned i don't think i can handle another folded flag in the household.

MSL (Music as a Second Language)

Everybody listens to music or at least has at one point in their lives. Music can do alot of things for people. It can be used to help people who have debilitating psychotic disabilities like Dementia or Alzheimer's. It can be used to send a specific political message across and change peoples opinions or challenge how we think. It can help console people when they are sad or just add to joy and laughter when spending time with friends. It is what helps drive movies and is all around us. But what is music? Music is the most abstract form of art there is. Nothing is as complicated to understand or as easy to appreciate.  When you listen to "Moonlight Sonata" what do you feel? Do you feel sad or alone? Or how about Canon in D do you feel warm and happy? As someone who is a musician (though a mediocre one) music isn't just something listen to. It becomes something you read and recognize with it becomes a second language. I have been constantly flirting with the idea of being a music major but then i realize it would be impractical to do so. But this music, this mystery is something that i long to understand. Something i wish to manipulate to paint pictures in the mind of people. Ive never been able to sing but have always had an ear for music.  I find it truly brilliant when i listen to a song and all the pianist has to do is change one note in a chord and the entire mood and atmosphere of the song changes. My favorite part of mass is the singing and listening to the choir (even if it is the same song every Sunday). Listening to how the singer and pianist reflect the mood of the psalm by playing in a Minor or Major key.  To be able to take something as bulky and cumbersome as a piano and make such a soft beautiful sound out of it is something that should be awe inspiring.  But music truly is a different language. You need to learn how to count and how to tell what dialect you should speak at a certain point in the song.  If you can learn to read the language it tells you how fast or slow, how loud or soft you should play.  Out of all of the foreign languages in the world music is the only one that everybody can relate to. You may not be able to speak the language. But everyone can feel it.

When Heaven Meets Earth.

So the past two weeks i have been extremely fortunate in the fact that i was able to grab a priest literally 20 minutes before Mass started to hear a confession so i could receive the Eucharist at Mass. The first time it was Fr. Jose the second it was Fr. Greg.  I know it may be stressful for a priest to hear someones confession before Mass but it is one of the most amazing feelings to receive both of those sacraments back to back in the same day. There is no greater example of Gods mercys than when he absolves us of all our sin in the Sacrament of reconciliation. And there is no greater example of Gods love for us when he Gives us himself in the Eucharist. God creator of all things humbles himself to a piece of bread and gives not just a piece of himself, but all of himself to us in one instance. What greater love is there than to give ALL of yourself to someone?

When i received Christ at mass today I went back to my pue and prayed and i asked God to help me find the love and faith within myself so i could pass it on to others. It only takes the faith the size of a mustard seed to do great things and it isn't that we don't have faith it is just we don't realize it.

However the night only got better tonight we had an Adoration prayer service for youth group. Which meant i got to play music in the sanctuarywith Dan on a Grand Piano.  But it wasn't what i was playing that excited me it was who i was playing for.  God himself was present tonight and i got to play the piano for HIM!! (talk about pressure). My favorites song that we played that night was "How He Loves Us" by David Crowder. And between playing for Jesus and the teens i really prayed that the teens would realize just how much God really does love us.  My favorite line in the song is "Heaven meets Earth like an unforeseen kiss and my heart turns violently inside my chest and i don't have time to maintain these regrets when i realize how he loves us".  I don't know if you have ever been in a relationship with someone and they just give you a random kiss to show their affection for you and the feeling that comes along with it. It is a feeling of surprise and compassion when something like that happens. No imagine you are in a room and all of a sudden God creator of all things wraps his arms around you and instead of saying i love you he shows you how much he loves you by giving you his son. And at that point you look back on your life and you see...everything you did wrong.....all of the mistakes you've made, all the wrong turns and stumbles and falls that brought you to where you are now....prostrate in front of Jesus Christ himself and instead of him scolding you or lecturing you he looks at you with his tender eyes and he says "I love you so much child" and at that point everything you did everything you messed up, all of the regrets you had are gone and you realize the only thing that had been missing the whole time was Jesus. And its at that moment where Heaven Meets Earth

Heroes

I think at some point in our lives we all dream about being a superhero of sorts. But as we get older we realize that superpowers don't exist. So then what do we do? We find characters or make up heroes who are as close to human as possible and then we take the power that they have been given or accidentally stumbled upon in a freak laboratory accident and we make it seem like a curse.  When the idea of a hero first emerged it was someone who was pretty much flawless. Good looks, Charm, witty and was always honest. But as time went on people got bored with heroes. Why? Well simply because we need people we can relate to.  I think nowadays a "Hero" is somebody who steps up in the face of adversity and does whats right. The only problem is right and wrong are often subjected to the persons own personally opinion and biases. The way I always see myself being a "Hero" is when i am daydreaming. Often it involves something bad or terrible happening. I'll be in a store and ill imagine a guy coming in with a gun and he tries to hold it up. But then (duh duh duh duh!!!) at the moment where all hope seems lost i make a courageous move and i stop the assailant often taken a bullet to the shoulder or some none vital area that way i have a cool scar to tell  the ladies about. I recently watched the movie Kick Ass which is about this local kid who gets the idea of becoming a vigilante.  During one of the early fight scenes where "Kick Ass" is trying to help a man who is getting jumped by three other guys, which ultimately results in himself getting the crap kicked out of him one of the assailants looks at him and says "why are you doing this?" and he responds "because its the right thing to do!". Do you have to come across some extraordinary circumstances to be a hero? Or is it simply just a matter of doing the right thing? Personally i think it is when we handle the ordinary every day struggles by doing the right thing, that is when we have the real victories. So i guess all i am trying to say is you don't need extraordinary circumstances to be a hero you just gotta do the right thing. However, that doesn't mean you should stop dreaming i mean who knows maybe you'll get your chance to shine one day.