Memorial Day the Final Part

So I have been thinking a lot about this memorial day and it brings up certain feelings. First and foremost as a day of remembrance I would like to acknowledge my older brother. Who as of right now is in Kandaharr and lets just say the last message I got from him was well...discouraging. I feel useless, all I can do is sit and wait and hope for the best. I miss him and have no idea what I would do if I lost him.

The second person is my step-dad 27 years in the Army and two tours in Nam. Him and I didnt get along in the beginning which is disappointing because the man changed my life. However, there is one thing that weighs heavy on my heart. I always wanted to be in the Army, I wanted to make my step-dad proud. During my time in JROTC he was always asking me about how things were and everytime I wore my uniform I could always see the pride in his eyes. I was his soldier. Sadly he wasn't around long enough to see me graduate to see me as a CO in JROTC. However, when I think about it I dont know how happy he would be seeing me now. I cant even be a soldier, the one thing I spent training and getting ready for in high school and I was "unfit for service". My eyes werent good enough even though I qualified with a rifle. Now I am going to seminary which is very different than the Army. I guess I am fighting different type of war but still, whenever I went to the VA to visit him everybody knew who I was. He would sit and tell all the nurses about me, how i was gonna make him proud and fight for my country, just like him. Sadly that never happened. I miss him, and there are times when I could really use his advice. All I know is that I hope he disappointed in me.

Im sorry we wont be able to swap war stories when I see you again. I just hope you are happy with who I. I miss you Dad.

Happy Memorial Day pt. 2

in flanders field the conflict grew
the din the noise the canons threw
havoc let loose rages around
the death denouncing trumpet sound

the combat deepens on the brave
with rus to glory or the grave
blood stains the earth where you lie
blood red poppy blooms
in flanders field

we have a promise we need to keep
to all in flanders who lie asleep
we take the torch the poppy red
and were in honor of our dead

have we learned the lessons taught
for the who died was not for naught
in flanders field

Happy Memorial Day

a poem i heard

in flanders fields the poppies blow
between the crosses, row on row,
that mark our place, and in the sky
the larks, still bravely singing, fly
scarce heard amid the guns below

we are dead, short days ago
we lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
loved and were loved, and now we die
in flanders field

take up the quarrel with the foe,
to you from failing hands we throw
the torch be yours to hold it high
if ye break faith with us who die
we shall not sleep tho poppies grow
in flanders fields.

I choose you my dear, I do. It costs me dearly, to do. But still, though I think it through... to The End. I say, "I do." I will! for you. and I thrill but thou shall not kill... I am reborn in you. Anew in the light. At night we rise. I dream of the things we would do... It has been and will always be... Only one and true. You. above and below me. one and only. You. I chose you, my love. and sow... The dark pools around those who know. I would do it again. Feel the pain until my end. say, "thy will, I do." for you abide swallow enemy poison swill but never kill. welcomed betrayal of friends. I went down with a fight. yet died alone that night. who did hear my plight? you never came. warned you could never change. you do remain. true to yourself. above and below me. always. one and only. You.

Where I want to be

beneath the roof of sleeping leaves,
and dreams of trees unfold,
when woodland halls are green and cool,
and the wind is in the west.
come back to me.
come back to me.
and say my land is best.

above the heads of weary peaks
where snow lies gently on thy head.
when mountain whispers sweetly gently
and the eagle makes her nest.
comeback to me
come back to me
and say my land is best.

The Library

There are no words to describe how I feel. There are no words to describe the pain that I feel right now. The fact that the emotional has manifested itself physically should show the severity of the hurt that is coursing through my body. Like a knife wound in my chest but the pain is everywhere. Tears contstantly run down my face and yet my mouth cannot utter a sound. Maybe I am waiting for the shock to where off and yet I fear what might happen if it does. You have no idea what I am feeling. you told me that she is always there to pick up the pieces. Well who is gonna help me pick up my shattered pieces? Who is gonna comfort me in my time of need? Maybe I am just selfish. Maybe I'm the fool for thinking that after a lifetime of loneliness I could actually have someone in my life who can be there and help me in my struggles. But like I said I am just a fool. The worst part is that nothing has changed I still Love you and I always will. Maybe my suffering and pain will attest to that truth. There are only two things in this entire world that have been carved in  my heart. The first is my faith in God and the Catholic Church. The second is my love for you. The only two things that keep me grounded the only two things that I have. You probably dont read this anymore, and the only reason I say this is because you had no problem cutting me off of your fb profile completly. Who knew friends could come and go at the push of a button. Its sad what technology has done to the world. Its sad that out of all the friends I have on fb none of them can help me. This wound is deep and the shattered pieces are many. And here I am like so many times before alone isolated like I was that day in the school library. Slowly but surely each chair was taken away from my table. The one I had saved for my "friends" and one by one the were all taken until there I sat in the library alone.

sleep why do you evade me
beauty why do you tease me
love why do you torture me
anger why dont you leave me
loneliness why cant you embrace me
beauty why cant i see your face
love why cant i just hold you
loneliness why cant i shake you off.

i am so weary, sleep is something i do not get to enjoy that oftem anymore. whether it be my thoughts or my dreams, i cannot sleep soundly anymore. i sometimes wonder what the world is thinking or what happens to the world when i do fall asleep. does it disappear and if it does does that mean you disappear as well. if you do then i would rather not sleep. yet again i find myself rambling on trying to make sense of my thoughts trying to make sense of everything. but my senses are also growing weary.  i am probably gonna look at this post and be like wtf mate. oh well rt more minutes till i can go home an try to rest before kung fu. ugh god help me please

Little Did I Know

i once asked jesus to break my heart for what broke his. little did i know id be crying every night. little did i know it would turn my apathy into compassion. little did i know it would change my discontent with the homeless to kindess towards them.  little did i know it would turn my depression into suffering and prayer for the depressed. little did i know it would letne see the world through christs eyes. to see the world mourning and weeping in suffering. but if only the asked to have there hearts broken for what breaks christs heart little would they know they could change the world.

So You Wanna be a Saint?

This past week has been interesting for me, at least spiritually speakin. Socially well lets just say my social life is as exciting as watching paint dry. However, a thought popped into my head today while I was eating lunch and I thought I would share.

So like many things in life if you want to succeed its all about knowing the right people.Whether it is business or friends knowing people is important. We have all heard the phrase "its all about who you know" well this phrase couldnt be more true about everything...and yes i mean EVERYTHING, even becoming a saint.

Why was Solomon so wise?  When God appeared to Solomon and said he could have anything he wanted Solomon asked for one thing. To know God.  Now when we think of knowing someone we think of things like the persons favorite color or movie, or what kind of foods they like or dislike, or if these jeans really do make their butt look big. However, in Hebrew the word Know means to be intimate with. Like when the Gabriel told Mary she would conceive a child her response was "how can this be , since I know no man" (Luke 1:34). Now we read this and think well wait, she had to know some guy i mean she was betrothed to Joseph. Again, this is true however, it is not the word know a we know it. What Mary is really is saying is "I have not been intimate with a man".  So if you trace the word know back its origin you will find that it means to  be intimate with. So when Solomon wished to "know" God he meant he wanted to be intimate with him.

The most important part of our lives as Catholics is to Know God. To be intimate with him on every level. Intimacy isnt just witheld for sex. Intimacy is something that happens on multiple levels. The only problem is that society has equated intimacy with sex. While there is sexual intmacy, the two are very different. Intimacy at the very basic level is being so close to somebody or something that you are connected on a powerful level. The saints werent saints because they were good people. They were saints because of the intimate relationship with God, because above all else they strived to Know God.

There are so many ways that we can Know God and the most apparent are through the Sacraments, particulary the sacrament of Reconciliation and Holy Communion. The first one teaches us of God's infinite mercy, the other his infinite love for us. When we receive Commuion we are receiving the body, blood, soul and divinity of our lord Jesus Christ. What better place to start than right there after you receive Jesus in the sacrament?

Often times we take the Sacrament for granted, we dont understand really what is going on, we just sorta go through the motions because thats what we are taught. But if you want to be a Saint and I truly hope you do the first thing you should do is start to Know God. If this is a struggle fear not! The best place to start is crack open the bible or read about the saints. Dont forget while they were great heros of faith they were also human to, and they all made mistakes, but God uses their mistakes to help us, the future church to learn to run to God when we mess up so we can get back up again.

Remember if you Know the right people, then you will stay on the right path.

Quick Thought

dear jesus,

thanks for loving me even tho nobody really cares except for one person. im sorry for always letting you done but i firmly resolve to be a better person

love,

michael

A humble request

Dear God,

Please, its been to long since i have had a restful sleep. Dark have been my dreams of late, and I cannot shake this demon. I have no one, therefore all of my trust Lord i have placed in you, I ask you Lord please allow me to have a peaceful night. If it is your will that I suffer so, then so be it. I just dont know how much more I can take. Dreams were the only place where rea;ity wasnt an issue. A place where I was never alone and I was happy. God, I know everything is for the better of your people, but my heart weighs heavy with these past events.  There has not been a day that has gone by where I havent thought about everything that has happened, and yet, there is nothing I can do. I try so hard Lord I truly do but so much reminds me of what was had, of how I always found comfort when you spoke through her. but now, I am aloneand trying so hard to rely solely on you andi fear that i cannot hold out much longer God please help me, give me the strength and the courage i need, please take away these dark thoughts and bad dreams, Lord God pleas grant me a restful night and a peaceful death.

I Love you,
Michael

p.s. watch over the ones whom I love and guide them through their struggles, and let them know that I will always help them if they need them.

Just in case, I will leave my things packed
So I can run away

I cannot trust these voices I don't have a line of prospects that can give some kind of peace
There is nothing left to cling to that can bring me sweet release
I have no fear of drowning
It's the breathing that's taking all this work

Do you know what I mean when I say, "I don't want to be alone"?
What I mean when I say, "I don't want to be alone"

Empty spaces with shadows hit by streetlights
Warnings signs and weight of tired conversations
In the absence of a shoulder, in the abscess of a thief
On the brink of this destruction, on the eve of bittersweet
Now all the demons look like prophets and I'm living out
Every word they speak, every word they speak

Do you know what I mean when I say, "I don't want to be alone"?
What I mean when I say, "I don't want to be alone"
What I mean when I say, "I don't want to be alone"

Do you know what I mean when I say, "I don't want to be alone"?
What I mean when I say, "I don't want to be alone"
What I mean when I say, "I don't want to be alone"
Alone, alone, I don't want to be alone

I have no fear of drowning
It's the breathing that's taking all this work

 



Hic Sunt Dracones

So today after my last day of class for the summer I wanted to go to the movies. I thought about what i wanted to see but I settled for "There Be Dragons".  I couldve gone to see Thor or something else but for some reason I really wanted to see this movie. The movie was about the life of St. Josehmaria Escriva someone who until now I honestly had never heard of.  He founded an organization called Opus Dei (Gods Work) and was a man of true courage in during the Spanish Civil War. However, I am not blogging to tell you about the movie want to talk about one particular scene.

Josehmaria was in an infirmary speaking to a dying man, someone who had been a family friend and worked in his fathers chocolate factory, he had known the Saint since he was a child. As he lay on his death bed speaking with St. Josehmaria, the Saint laid a Crucifix and some holy oil on the mans nightstand.

The man looked at Josehmaria and said, "That wont work for me, I am Jewish".  Josehmaria replied "The love of my life is Jewish as well."

Then there was a pause and the dyingm an looked into the young priest eyes and tears started to well up in his eyes (and mine as well). The man looked at the young priest and said, "You know I was so scared I was going to die alone."  He reached out and grabbed Josehmaria's hand and asked if he would pray with him, the young priest tightened his grip and started praying in english while the old man started prayingin hebrew.
I started bawling in the movie theater during this scene. For me two things hit me. The first was that God will NEVER abandon his people and two. I want to do what Josehmaria did.  I really cant describe what I felt or what happened in this scene but it was so beautiful and moving all I could do was cry. Maybe its because it reminded me of when my step-dad was in the hospital or maybe it was knowing that God did something amazing through that priest.  I can promise that this scene will never leave my memory it has been branded into my mind. I reccomend that whoever reads this sees the movie There be Dragons. It wont be a movie you ever forget.

iunconditional without condition or restraint. one thing that people dont get is the way i work. for me the hardest thing is not being there for people i love and care about. when i tell someone i love them it isnt something i say lightly. i mean lets face it i had sex with my ex and i never told her i loved her. to me words mean alot the tone of them the implication the magnitutde. maybe i take words to seriously but nonethless they are important to me. three words that i never use loosel...i love you. to me there is to much responsibility and importance to go around saying it without thinking. excluding family there are only six people who i have told those words to.

stephanie gonzalez
erin rebello
christopher lavoy
jacob lane
richard rivera
jc henson.

let me help you to understand why so few have heard me say those words. when i tell someone i love them it isnt only during good times i am not a fairweather friend. love is a life long commitment. no matter what happens. anyone of those six people could stab me in the back beat me up and throw me in a ditch and my love for them would never cease nor would it be any less. i love people more than i love myself. the hardest thing is when someone i love is hurting and there is nothing i can do. i worry all the time about my loved ones. regardless of how things have turned out currently nothing changes the fact that i am here and that no matter what i will always love them. i know some of them dont want me in their lives but please understand i am never gone i am always here. i love you all so much you six hold such a special place in my heart and always will. and you will always have my love and friendship with out restraint or limits it will always be unconditional. i hope when my two avid readers read this they find comfort in knowing that.

Something I think we all Could Uses Right Now

    “My daughter, I want to teach you about spiritual warfare. Never trust in yourself, but abandon yourself totally to My will…Do not bargain with any temptation; lock yourself immediately in My Heart and, at the first opportunity, reveal the temptation to the confessor. Put your self-love in the last place, so that it does not taint your deeds. Bear with yourself with great patience. Do not neglect interior mortifications… Shun murmurers like a plague. Let all act as they like; you are to act as I want you to.      …If someone causes you trouble, think what good you can do for the person who caused you to suffer. Do not pour out your feelings. Be silent when you are rebuked. Do not ask everyone’s opinion, but only the opinion of your confessor; be as frank and simple as a child with him. Do not become discouraged by ingratitude. Do not examine with curiosity the roads down which I lead you. When boredom and discouragement beat against your heart, run away from yourself and hide in My heart. Do not fear struggle; courage itself often intimidates temptations, and they dare not attack us.      Always fight with the deep conviction that I am with you. Do not be guided by feeling, because it is not always under your control; but all merit lies in the will… I will not delude you with prospects of peace and consolations; on the contrary, prepare for great battles. Know that you are now on a great stage where all heaven and earth are watching you. Fight like a knight, so that I can reward you. Do not be unduly fearful, because you are not alone. —Diary of St. Maria Faustina Kowalska, Divine Mercy in My Soul, n. 1760

Nightmares

it happened again, ive been having the same reoccuring nightmare fore some months now but this time it was different...

its a rainy day the weather is cold and i am upstairs on fb. the doorbell rings and my mom answers. i look down to see who it is and it is a man wearing a white navy uniform. my heart dropped and i knew exactly why he was at our house. he tells my mom to sit down and she complies. everything goes quiet except the words that come from his mouth. im sorry for your loss he says and there is a clash of thunder in the distance. he goes on talking about he served his country proudly in a pseudo sympathetic voice...well not pseudo but it was well rehearsed. his eyes meet mine and my legs nearly give out. but i cant be weak not in front of my mother i have to stay strong. time goes by and i am in my room...alone and no one to go too. the rain is coming down hard  and i am scared. i dont know what to do there was only one person i could turn too. i grab my keys and run out the door. the rain is coming down hard and i can barely see. i pull into the apartment complex and i park in any space i dont care if my car gets towed i just need someon to comfort me. i run to your door hysterical on the verge of breaking and i start knocking on it...no pounding. you open the door slowly and look me in the eyes. i tell you my brothers deadand i need someone. after a moments pause you look at me and say. michael im sorry but i cant help you with this goodbye. the dorr slams in my face and i am left all alone with no one to go too. i awoke from my dream when i took a nap and when i did i realized i was sweating and tears were in my eyes.

its only a dream...right

Thoughts

So for the past like two weeks I have listened to nothing except Conor Oberst and all i have tosay is WOW. I truly wish I could come up with lyrics like this man. He has increased a desire in me that has festered within my soul for a  long time and that is..to learn how to play guitar.

Fact is I want to sing. I want to sing about all the shit I"ve been put through my entire life. I want my lyrics to inspire deep thought and contemplation. I want there to be philisophic meaning to my words. I want people to know about my strife and my heart ache. I want people to know about my struggle with this Goddamn disease I have had since third grade. I wish I could say its gone away but it hasnt't. I have no idea how long I am gonna live, but does it matter..no?

People worry and stress so much about death, and all i can ask myself is, why? Death is natural it happens to all of us we worry so much about something so trivial. My only legitimat concern would be my family, but hey thats what life insurance is for. All I know is if I am lucky to make it to Purgatory then there is nothing I would want here on this eart. The idea of being happy for eternity is so beautiful. See I have never known true happiness and I probably wont till I am dead, well nobody will until they are dead and kickin it with Jesus.  I would say the worst part is you cant advance your death as in suicied =  bad idea.

But who among us hasnt thought about it at some point in our lives? The idea of what is on the otherside, to stand face to face with God even for a moment would be...well words couldnt describe. But alas it is one of those things we have to wait for.

I feel like rambling tonight. Se all of my friends are mad, upset, disgusted, taken aback...whatever by recent events Of course I guess I cant blame them. However, none of them will ever truly understand why things happened the way they did. There is a bit of bitter sweet comfort of being one of the two people who will ever truly  understand why this has all happened. Of course i feel like the reaction that has been drawn out by all the people is slightly disappointing and..predicatable?

I expected myself to be vilified and looked down on but I just thought that people would have reacted...better. Not that one can really control a reaction per se, a reaction is simply something that just well, happens. A natural inclination to think or act in some way do to basic human instinct, that is what a reaction is, almost like a reflex of the mind. But nonetheless it is what it is. Now it is simply a matter of time before things willbe made right. Amends will be made and things will  be semi-normal. Of course I know what my two well possibly avid readers are thinking. "There is no way things will ever be normal" or "he is crazy". And yet they fail to think about one major factor in this whole fiasco and that is simply God.

See I understand how hard hearted everyone is but I know that God will chizzle away at the stone that surroundes peoples hearts and then something will happen. What is that something you ask? I think I will wait and let you all find out for yourselves, but I will say, it wont be what you expect. See this whole FUBAR situation I have been relying on the wrong person. I have focused my efforts away from where they should have been focused this entire time, but God has revealed something to me. It is a plan you see, and all I can do is trust in him and do that thing I hate doing....Wait

To my readers thank you for putting up with my seemingly incoherent babbling I love you both. Have a good night/day. Oh and make sure when you read this the person in your head has a british accent. Makes it seem proper toodle loo.

Like it Matters.

idk who is still reading this if anyone. but for what its worth the four of you mean the world to me im sorry for everything.

i keep going back to what you wrote and each time i find myself more frustrated and confused. you make it seem like i mad you out to be a bad person i never did that. i never said anything bad about you. when anyone asked i always made a point to try and take all the blame. tried to make me the bad guy. but part of me feels like its not fair. its not fair the way im being treated by everyone. its not fair damnit. i tried so hard, so hard to give you what you needed. bit everytime i needed someone everytime i needed a friend. nobody had the time. and still nobody has the time. do you have any idea how hard this is. how ashamed i am or how sorry i am.  do you even care anymore. if you dont its ok just let tell me so i know. im tired of hurting im tired, of this aching heart.  and you arent all to blame. i shouldve listened but, im stubborn. its ok if you dont forgive me. its ok if you dont ever want to be my friend again. do i think its fair. no, but what i think doesnt matter anymore i guess.

god, please let me know im still the love of your life, i know you make my heart your home, but i still feel alone...

lies, deceit, is that all you see in me now. is that all i am to everyone. you dont think i see the fault in my actions. you accuse me of taking advantage of you, when you told me how you felt. you dont think i tried. i did, i really did. but you told me how alone you were, how you feel surrounded by people yet isolated. what did you expect. did i fail to use better judgement. ya i did, but to say i took advantage to say i waited like some sick predator you dont have to believ that i care hell you dont even have to think about me at all. you think i wanted this. do you really think a kiss to me is worth losing our friendship over. you told me you wanted me to. you knew how i felt and how hopeless of a romantic i am, not that that has anything to do with it. this isnt just your fault or my fault, the blame is equal. do you want to know why im mad. becaus people who were my friends all vilify me now. to you and them im some sort of sick predator lurking or a horrible person or whatever it is you want tp call me. i didnt want you to be alone i did want you to hurt, i didnt want to be alone i didnt want to hurt. i tried to give you your space i really did but when you tell me you are hurting or when i hear that you cam close to cutting, do you expect me to sit around and do nothing. come on you know me better than that.

i know you dont believe me when i say i didnt want any of this.  everything ive done ive tried to do for you. but it doesnt matter anymore, you have your boyfriend and your best friend and your happy.