My thoughts

Is it wrong for me to disappear?
Is wrong to want to be far from hear?
Is it fair that no one ever cares?
Is it fair for me to feel the pain I bare...alone?
Is there no one who can empathize?
Will everyone just criticize?
Do they not see my broken heart beating?
Can anyone see the love its bleading?
Can no one tell I feel alone in this world?
Or does it just not matter?
Is happiness within reach?
Or is it always out of my grasp?
How much more of this can my heart take?
Before it shatters, before it breaks.

And what use would it be,
to God or to me,
if my heart breaks permanently
beyond repair?

Is it true what they say,
that you can fix anything?
I simply oh God so great
To stop this heartache
Is it so much to ask for?
Am I out of line?
Ask and it will be given,
So please God I dont ask much
Just please I need this...

Best non - country country song

I was born on Snake Hill
And that's where I'll probably die
Because I don't like to kill
But I've got poison in my bite

Well, I feel safe to say
That I should probably stay upon Snake Hill

My mother told me, "Son, you've got strychnine in your blood
It comes from pedigree ancestory"
She warned me not to grieve
Said my concience was too deep
That when I bite
It would hurt mostly me

For many many years
I stayed up on that hill
Occasionaly I'd go down to the edge
To see what I could see
So curiousty got the best of me

Its a big world and it's not fair to me
To stay up there when there's so much to see
I want to play with others that I need to meet

Poison will be poison until it's through
Soon I hit the world
I discovered that a girl
Was what my mother tried to hide from me
She could make you feel alive
She could make you want to die
And that's exactly what she did to me

And it was only self defense
And I coiled up and I bit
I let my venom run into her veins
And I sat and watched her die
Then I realized I was born on Snake Hill
And that's where I'll probably die
Because I don't like to kill
But I've got poison in my bite
Well, I feel safe to say
That I should probably stay upon Snake Hill
And it's a big world and it's not fair to me
To have to stay when there's so much to see
I want to play with others that I need to meet

And poison will be poison until it's through
Poison will be poison until it's through
Poison will be poison until it's through
Poison will be poison until it's through

One Whole Year

so its been an entire year since i have become catholic. and i am surprised im still here. its been the hardest time of my life spiritually and emotionally. i remember when it happened we are all so happy. we were like a family and we all loved each other. and now look where we are. we are broken well at least i am i cant speak for everyone else. but we are drifting apart.  or maybe its just me. maybe im the one changing and everyone else is staying the same or maybe its the opposite. idk whats happening but i do know i feel alone. abandoned. not just by my friends but i feel like god is just watching. ive been praying so fervently lately and so desperately but i feel likes its falling on deaf ears. although i guess i am to blame for this mess big surprise there.  idk what to fo anymore. pray i guess. but is it even right for me to pray for things to be like they were. where you know we were friends and actually cared about each other. when we talked and spent time together. but maybe this is what god wants idk. am i the only one that thinks things have gone bad. oh happy easter.

Sick

Lord God, my saviour,

  I have cried out to you by day and by night.

Let my prayer come before you:

  turn your ear to my request.

For my soul is full of evils,

  my life has come close to its end.

I am counted with those who go down to the pit:

  I am left without help.

I am one of the dead,

  like the murdered who sleep in their tombs,

who lie there forgotten,

  cut off from your care.

You have thrust me down into the pit,

  to the gloom and the shadow of death.

Your anger weighs heavy upon me;

  you have drowned me under your waves.

You have taken my friends away from me:

  you have made me hateful in their sight,

  I am shut in, I may not go out.

My eyes are weak from my sufferings.

I have called to you, Lord, all the day;

  I have stretched out my hands to you.

Is it for the dead that you perform your wonders?

  Will the ghosts rise up and proclaim you?

In the tomb, will they tell of your kindness?

  Will they tell of your faithfulness in the place of the lost?

Will your wonders be known in the darkness,

  or your righteousness in the land of oblivion?

And so I have called out to you, Lord,

  and in the morning my prayer will come before you.

With what purpose, Lord, do you reject my soul?

  Why do you hide your face from me?

I am poor; from my youth I have been dying;

  I have borne the terrors you sent, I am lost in confusion.

Your anger has overrun me, your terrors have broken me:

  they have flowed round me like water,

  they have besieged me all the day long.

You have taken my friends and those close to me:

  all I have left is shadows.

 

Idk what to do all I know is this is how I feel. Alone and abandoned.

 

Lord forgive me for my selfishiness. Forgive me for my deisres, For give me for the damage I've caused, Forgive me for turning from you. Forgive me for running away like your disciples, forgive me for my lack of faith, forgive me for the agony you felt in the garden, forgive me for betraying you and my friends.  Forgive me for the pain I've caused others. Lord lease ave mercy on me for I am a sinner. I betrayed you, I beat you, I whipped you, I mocked and spat on you, I crowned you with thorns. I nailed you on the cross and left you to die. Please forgive me. 

 

Lost, everything is lost
And everything I've loved before is gone
Alone like the coming of the frost
And a cold winter's chill in my stony heart

And where were You when all that I've hoped for?
Where You when all that I've dreamed
Came crashing down in shambles around me?

Pain, could you take away the pain?
If I find someone to blame, would it make my life seem easier?
Alone, all my friends are asleep
And I can't find anyone to stay awake with me

Where were You when sin stole my innocence?
Where were You when I was ashamed?
Hiding in a life, I wish, I never made
you were on the Cross....

 

Im sorry.

well once again i find myself in isolation. no one home, no one to talk too. no one who will listen. no one who cares. maybe i am just feeling sorry for myself. but right now i dont care. when your the problem in everyones life. no one else is so i want this moment of self pity. i dont care how pathetic i am. i was actually happy before and well now i sorta messed it all up. could be worse i guess there are always worse situations. but most of the time peopl or victims of enviroment of circumstance. me, im just a victim of myself. the fight has always been me against me. you are your hardest opponent you all your mo es and echniques. and well i lost one ov my allies in this whole process. so tha brings me to where i am now. laying bed blogging on my phone. blaming myself and love for everything that has transpired. i though i could find it and fix things. instead i lost and destroyed everything

Crossroads of Destiny

well i guess this is it. we were bound to come to this point anyway right. i dont want to be here. i dont want to be alone. but i guess its the price i pay. after all i am a hopeless romantic meaning. i have no hope. i think it is also synonomous for self destructive too. cuz not only do i mess other peoples lives up i manage to screw mine up too. i wish i could just fall off the face of the earth and be forgotten

Crucify Him: A meditation on Holy Week

This past Sunday was palm Sunday and as our Lord  made his triumphant entry into Jerusalem he also entered the gate to his horrific death.  We all shout "Hosanna to the Son of David". "We cry out  Blessed is he who comes in the name of the LORD". But even in these words of exaltation we are deceitful and two faced.  Sure we lay our cloaks on the ground and wave palms in His honor. But to often we forget that we are the very same people who shout:
"Crucify Him!!"

We listened to the readings of our Lords passion on Sunday and at certain parts it was the congregations turn to speak. Maybe it was because Fr. Greg wanted us to participate or maybe it was for dramatic emphasis. But not for me. I couldn't stand it. I knew what words were coming, we've all heard the story after all. But it was personal.  I wasn't shouting "Give me Barabbas" for dramatic reasons. I was shouting it because I am a sinner. I wasn't shouting "Crucify Him" because I wanted to participate with the rest of the Church. No, i was doing because I knew in my heart everyday, every time I or anyone else sins that I am shouting "Crucify Him". His blood is very much on my hands. This lent has changed me. I feel like the true conversion is taking place. It isn't over though. Holy week still continues the betrayal and institution of the last supper is on Thursday, and finally Good Friday the day we pierce his precious hands, feet and side.  We have betrayed him with our lips like Judas, and we have made our choice to Crucify Him.

Look down upon me,
good and gentle Jesus
while before Your face I
humbly kneel and,
with a burning soul
and contrite heart,
pray and beseech You
to fix deep in my heart
lively sentiments
of faith, hope and
charity;
true contrition for my
sins,
and a firm purpose of
amendment.

While I contemplate,
with great love and
tender pity,
your five most precious
 wounds,
pondering over them within me
and calling to mind the
words which David,
Your prophet, said to
you, my Jesus:

"They have pierced My
hands and My feet,
they have numbered all
My bones".

Lord have mercy on me a sinner,
for it is for my sins that you My God
have suffered and died. Show mercy to your child.
Teach me through your passion and death to be obedient to you.



Jesus I'm so Sorry.

A Fighter

So I have this urge to do something physical. Part of me wants this to be sparring ugh sometimes I wish i was back in Rennies front yard boxing.  There is something...euphoric about being in the ring. Taking hits and hitting back. Going toe to toe till one person cant keep going.

Not once did i ever quit. Ive been hit hard enough to be knocked to the ground. But I didn't give up. Nope i got back up in all my glory and kept swinging until the three 1min and 30 sec rounds were done. I need august to be here. I want to go to Vegas and win that tournament.  I dont want to do forms or staff. No! I want to test my mettle and come out on top. I have always had a fighting spirit. I may not have always been first. But i never stopped i kept going. I like physical pain. I know crazy right? But its easier than emotional distress. For me there is a sense of pride in taking physical pain a sense of strength. But when i am sad or depressed it practically is crippling.

I've been fighting now for over three years. I don't know how long i can keep going. I know what i should do. I should see a Doctor and I should get help. But i cant. I cant put the people I care about going through all that again. I need to fight..but idk how much longer I can.

God please heal me.

Reflection on a Mosaic

So the other night you said something to me and at the time I really didnt think about it. However, you once again have truly inspired my writing and my prayer.  After listening to music you looked at me and said "I am so broken, we all are, but maybe thats why God put us all together because we are broken". At first I really didnt think much of it but today while I was in prayer in the adoration chapel I kept thinking about this mosaic my sister made in 6th grade. It is really a beautiful work of art its a Mosaic of a Dolphin. But any way i couldnt understand why this kept popping into my brain and then it hit me.

Mosaics are some of the most beautiful works of art. They are made of pieces of either broken glass or tiles. When taken individual they can be sharp jagged mayb have some pretty color if it is made of glass. Depression, divorce, messed up relationships, longing for acceptance and love. These things are what break us but sometimes we fail to see the bigger picture we only see the sharp tile in ourselves.

However, "maybe thats why God put us all together, because we are broken". Yes we may be broken pieces of glass or tile but when you look at us all together what do you see. I see something beautiful.  We may be broken but we still all come together to form the most beautiful and wonderful thing I have ever encountered. The St. Annes Core Team. We are broken we are shattered but put all of our pieces together and we are together not for ourselves no, but for our teens. When we come together one of Gods most beautiful creations comes together to help lead and guide his children. All of the jagged sharp pieces come together. So yes love we are all in each others lives because we are broken but in our brokeness we make something beautiful.

Happy Anniversary

so it is a little known fact that today is the one year anniversary of starting my blog however this article isnt about me and my blog. no its about you. the wholed audience of two that take the time out of their schedule to actually check and see how i am doing. thank you really doesnt adequtaly say how much it means to me that the two of you read my thought.s yes i complain yes half the time i dont  make sense and yes expressing my undying love can get to be a bit much sometimes. thank you for loving me enough to care about me and to read my what i have to say. i love you so much people like you are extremely difficult to come by. you have truly been my friends so thanks. i love you.

Great Things

i often find myself fantasizing about being something super. ya know like a super hero or something like that. not becuase i want super powers, although teleportation would be great. i just want to be great. i want to be something for lack or better word special. but the problem is i really dont have anything going for me. nothing useful or practical. i wish i could be great i wish i could be super hero and save the world or something. but alas here i sit in my guard shack serving and protecting the older people of las palmas.

I need a song i dont know which one but the worst part is, I CANT FIND ONE!!! Why? Ahhh i feel like i am going insane!!!!!!!  Dont fail me iPod please i need music i need something.

i feel sick. like physically ill and to say i dont know the why would be a lie. but no matter what i do i cant stop feeling like this. i feel like im slowly slipping and i cant get a footing or a grip no matter how hard i try. but does it matter. no, not really. i dont care much for siympathy although it would be nice to have someone who understands me and where i am coming from. but no matter ive enough probably too much and damn here comes that sick feeling again. fml