So I have done alot of thinking lately...of course i do that too much....waaaaay to much to be honest. I feel like that for being 19 i worry way to much about things that your average everyday 19 year old wouldn't. Not that i am a worry wart but these things concern me(I wont bother you with a list because well lets face it it would be waay to long). But i guess that is just how i am. 19 and pondering things that would drive some of the greatest philosophers up a wall. Of course you don't need to be a philosopher to be annoyed by me just ask my mom and the people who have to put up with me on a regular basis.
Second thought i feel useless. First reason i don't have a job and second my friends are having all of these problems and i am just here. I feel like i just take up air. I want to help but it just seems like i am not good enough or i just don't understand or i am not to be trusted all of which i feel are kinda crazy except for maybe the understanding thing but at the very least i can listen and console. However, in my experiences words rarely help for me it has always been music. If i had the talent I would lock myself in a room and i would play piano all day and all night never quitting. And when people who were troubled or sad or upset came to listen to me all of there troubles would be melted away and they would go home re-energized and prepared for anything However this is just the fantasy of a dreamer and a man in love with music.
The problem i have is that nobody really gets me and understands except for God of course. But nobody i know really understands me. Is it too much to ask for someone who will listen to what i have to say, Who will understand where i am coming from? I just want someone who wants to know me. But i cant just pour my life out to somebody who wont share with me. That's not how i work. Ben Folds once wrote "If you cant trust, you cant be trusted". This is something i always hold close. Maybe it is because i have been let down by people to many times. Or maybe it is because i fear i will be stabbed in the back, but would you share your crayons with someone who wont share theirs with you? I know it seems elementary (no pun intended) but that's how I am. Maybe I am just trying to cope with the fact that people don't really need and/or want me? I don't know i just write what i think.
Trust is a funny thing Michael Gray. Life is even funnier.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you can't tell me how you're feeling anymore. But that doesn't change the fact that I'm still right here. I'll still drive to your house and sit with you in my truck late into the night. I'll still be a shoulder you can cry on. I'm always here. You know my number. But I understand if you can't grab my reaching hand.