Be here now.

Don't let your soul get lonely child
It's only time, it will go by
Don't look for love in faces, places
It's in you, that's where you'll find kindness

Be here now, here now
Be here now, here now

Don't lose your faith in me
And I will try not to lose faith in you
Don't put your trust in walls
'Cause walls will only crush you when they fall

Be here now, here now
Be here now, here now
For so long i have been struggling. I was struggling to find the love of that special someone. that person who puts the butterflies in your stomach the on that makes your heart race. I have always put my trust and love in people and things. But i feel like i never really loved myself. Not in the self centered narcissitic way but i have always thought that if someone didn't love me then i was somehow defective. Like Charlie in the Box. you know the one who Rudolf finds on the island of misfit toys? After realizing that the person i thought was the one, the person who i wanted to give all my love too, that person who gave me butterflies wasn't the right one. I felt numb. Like i had nothing left. that if she wouldn't accept it and take it then nobody would. But after listening to this song and reading the lyrics something dawned on me. Sorta like an epiphany.  When i think of all those whom i love people like Logan, Stephanie , Erin, Chris ( my friend), Chris (my brother), and everyone else. I realized that I had the love i was looking for this whole time. As good ol' Ray says "Don't look for Love in faces places, its in you that's where you'll find kindness. I don't think Kindness and love are synonymous but i do think that they are complementary. I love my friends and my family more than anything else in this world. But i feel like it has taken me up until now to realize that I was confused and i didn't have my faith in the right place. I put my trust in walls instead of a sturdy foundation.  And when push came to shove the walls i trusted came tumbling down leaving me in the rubble of my emotions. My soul was lonely and i felt like i had nothing left. Nothing more to give.  But when i took a moment to reflect to listen to the song and really think about where i am and who i am and what i do. I realized that the love i wanted was inside of me and will always be here no and forever. As long as i trust in love then i will not fall.

This next part is for you. You know who you are and you know i love you. I would do anything for you if only you asked i would be by your side holding your hand and sheltering you from anything that tried to hurt you. But that is not my part in this story. That role belongs to somebody else. And instead of supporting him and helping him with what he needed i put him down and didn't let trust in love. Instead i trusted in myself which i found only brought me more pain and heartache. I love you so much and i am sorry for all the pain i put you through. There is alot of things i wish i didn't say and resentment that i should have let go sooner. But i love you and him, and i will always be here now and forever

I Love You Both.

A little friend of mine

So let me tell you about a friend i have. It started a few months ago when i firs met him. I saw him sitting on the floor playing and when i walked in the room the first thing he did was look at me and stretch his arms out. He had no idea who i was or what i was doing. All he wanted to do was share the love. I bent down and picked him and immediately received a hug. From that point on i knew things weren't going to be the same. I love this little guy and regardless of what sort of day i am having he always finds a way to cheer me up. whether he knows it or not. 

Sure he has his days when he is frustrated or just plain grumpy but even then he is still a joy to be around. I think it is because whenever i look at him i don't see a 2 year old with a learning disability or anything like that. I look at him and i see hope.

If the Dr.'s were right then he should have been dead. He was born early due to a car crash and the Docs didn't even give him 24 hours. Well 24 months later he is still alive and kicking..and slapping...and sometimes headbutting. When he is happy there is enough joy to light up the entire house. If he starts laughing then everyone around him cant help but to laugh. I love this kid and i know he feels the same way. Because he knows when i am sad and he knows just how to cheer me up.

I think in the end we could all use a little Logan in our lives.

Love is...

So the Bible says that love is kind and patient it does not boast, it does not delight in evil but rejoices in righteousness. What most people don't pick up on is if you want to understand love all you have to do is read the passion. Love is painful, Love hurts, Love are scourges on your back and nails in your hand, Love is a crown of thorns on your head and a pierced heart.  If this is w\hat will make you happy then fine. I just hope you understand what you are asking me to do.  I cant just shut off my feelings. My whole life i have always been good at faking whether it is being dick or my emotions. I can always hide behind a smile and a witty ( and sometimes dirty) sense of humor.  If it will make you happy if it will make the hurt stop then fine. Ill stop. I have no fucking clue how. But i guess its up to me. God why did you make love so painful??

Why does it always rain on me?

There is a lot in life i don't understand.. I got the strangest feeling we belong but it just seems that i am the only one. Why do i feel this way? It isn't my choice i didn't ask for this, it just...happened. Is it a coincidence? No i don't believe in coincidences there has to be some reason. Does God just want me to sit back and watch? If that is the case why didn't he choose someone who can actually do that? When i see you or think about you or just spend time with you. Everything is ok and nothing really matters. But when you leave the clouds start to roll in and the rain starts pouring. Everyone tells me its alright and i see the light but the tunnel just gets infinitely longer it is almost like it is teasing me. Well i guess if there is one thing nobody can take away its my music. I will always have that to fall back on (to bad its not a woman).  But even that is just an abstract concept it isn't tangible.  So no matter how much i listen to it i will never be able to hold it in my hand.  Maybe that's what you are an  abstract person someone i see and talk to and spend time with, but am never able to hold you. You asked me "if you could do one thing right now what would it be?" After having more time to think about it my answer is to stop the rain from falling. To keep you with me. But It seems that even when the sun is shining i still cant avoid the lightning strikes. Because i know that you will always have to leave me. But out of all the things that frustrate me the one thing that i always come back to is how did i get in the middle of this storm? But i guess that is how it works you cant control the rain or the weather it just happens so i guess the real question is why me?

Lock it up tight.

It seems that everywhere i turn i am caught between a rock and a hard spot. Every decision i make just leads me down a path of long lectures of how wrong i am. I am sick and tired of this crap.  I know i am not perfect and like everyone i make mistakes but sometimes i feel people overreact 90% of the time. But i Guess that is the price i pay for being misunderstood.  I don't even know what to say. People accusing me of shit putting in their 2 cents when they don't even know half of whats going on. Then calling me a hypocrite really? I mean come on you through your problems at me and i try my best to help i don't stick my nose in your business and act like i know everything.  Sure i may be a bit rough around the edges but that's my personality.  I don't do anything to Jeopardize other people i only put myself at risk. I am no one important so that is why it doesn't really matter to me if i get hurt or get into trouble.  i have never been a violent person but i just want to hit something right now.  You hurt me in a way that i cant even describe and you think its ok? Like you can just act like i don't care. I really envy people like Eminem someone who is able to take his feelings and put them into a song or lyrics. And when he is pissed you know it. That is talent letting people know how you feel. If i could do that i would.  Have you ever been hurt by someone you love and care about?  Whenever i think of you right now i get angry i don't want to be angry at you but you leave me no choice. You did this to me! I was really hoping we could hit the pads at Kung Fu tonight but we did staff work instead it was hard controlling myself you cant use to much force with staff otherwise it comes back and hits you in the head (yes i have had this happen several times). And the worst part is if i don't get rid of this anger then feel I know i sound like him. That guy who hurts you the one that i cant even look at anymore without getting furious. And i hate myself for sounding like him.  I need someone right now but everyone is against me. Looks like i am back where i started fending for myself. See what happens you let people in and they mess you up.  Next time i think i will just lock the doors.

Honesty

My older brother once told me the more honest the Truth is the more it will hurt. So does that mean life should be sugar coated or that we shouldn't bother telling the e truth? I have sat and watched as you get hurt physically and emotionally. And yet i am still the bad guy? i offer my support and my help and yet i hurt you? I simply call it as i a see it and how it is and yet i am wrong? Or is it that the honest truth hurts to much? You call me up crying on the phone telling me you deserve to be loved and you do but yet the next day it is like nothing ever happened. And i am stuck staring at him wishing i could make a connection. NOT a mental one NO! I mean a connection between his jaw and my fist. But i wont. Why? Because i care about you.  But i guess caring isn't all its cracked up to be. Apparently caring is the wrong thing to do. It's like when your alarm goes off and all you do is ignore it and go back to sleep because you don't want to face the challenges of the next day. So i ask are you ever gonna answer the alarm? You love him i get that I'm not stupid. But there is a line between Love and plain insanity. He says he loves you but actions speak louder than words. What are his actions speaking to you? I don't even no why i bother writing this you prolly got down to the third or fourth line and just exited saying to yourself "That's fine and Dandy but he just doesn't understand". What is there to understand? You have been looking for someone to love you and you settle for him? Sure he says it but there is no feeling. Even when i sit with you guys he takes you for granted the way he talks to you the way he treats you. But who cares what i think right? I'm just me. Silly little Michael who just doesn't understand. Or The guy who only has half the story. Well if that is the truth then why don't you give me the rundown and if you have and you still don't agree with what i say. Then i feel it is a matter of you just not wanting to come to terms with the Honest truth. But what does it matter what i say right? I am just silly little Michael who just doesn't understand. Or maybe just maybe you are the person who doesn't understand.

Where were you when...

There was a man who had only one son. No other children just his one son whom he loved dearly.  The mans wife had died during child birth so in a sense all he had left was his one son. People would tell the mans son that he had the strength of his father but the kind and genlte heart of his mom. He was the kin of guy that would be your friend no matte what and would always be there if you needed him. But the one thing the boy loved more than anything else was his father. Instead of watching tv at night they would sit out on the back porch and his Dad would tell him stories of  his mother while the little boy fell asleep in his lap. One day when then little boy was walking to school for his first day of 5th grade something tragic had happened. It was a rainy day and the boy was struck by a drunk driver. By the time the father had made it to the hospital it was too late...the boy had died. To make matters worse the authorities were never able to catch the man who had killed the little boy. The father was stricken with grief his wife had died and now he lost the only thing in the world that had made his life worth living. He would sit alone on the porch at night crying holding a picture of his little boy that they, had taken during a yankees game.  He seldom went out and if he did he would avoid contact with people and just get what he needed and go back home and stare at the picture of his boy.  The father was so upset that he left the planning of his sons funeral to his pastor who was kind enough to do it.  When the day of the funeral came the father had shown up to the church drunk and would burst out in tears from time to time. At the reception he talked to no one and just sat motionless in his chair. After all the mourners had left he stood at his sones grave sight all day and a good way throught the night. Finally as if prompted by the churping crickets he began to yell and curse god. "Where were you?!" he cried Why didnt you do something?! "Where were you when the drunk got behind the wheel?" "Where were you when my son died in the hospital?!" "Couldnt you have at least let me say goodbye?" the man was crying uncontrollably, tears were streaming down his face as he looked and shouted "Well!! Arent you gonna answer me all powerful God?" "WHERE THE WERE YOU?!" The man sank to his knees, he felt like he was gonna vomit from all of the crying and screaming he rested his head in his hands sobbing constantly repeating the words "where were you?". He sat there waiting for an answer but nothing came. the man was angry and was getting ready to leave when he saw a light. It wasnt a blinding light but it was enought to get his attention. It was like a bright star in the night sky. There came a loud booming voice
 "Do not despair".
 "Are you kidding me?"the dad said "My son has been taken from me he is dead the only thing i had left and he was wrenched form my arms" "Where were you on that one God? Huh! You gonna answer? Where were you?"
"I was in the same place I was in the day MY son was murdered" the voice said.
Then the light disappeared and the night was calm and quiet.

So theres this girl...

As I sat on the back porch of Logan's Grandparents' house enjoying some quiet time with my pipe my thoughts started to wonder to a particular individual. It is an interesting predicament I have found myself in because she is single she is smart and she is very attractive. But there is a catch (what you thought it would be easy?). She is a few years younger than me not to much but enough that there is a difference. Even though she is young she is extremely mature and isn't as stupid as a lot of the younger girls i know. Not that i no a lot. She has found her way into my thoughts and i don't know what to do. is this a test for me from God? I care about her and she seems to care about me but we have mutually come to an agreement that now would not be a good time to even think about any sort of relationship beyond the point of friends. But everyday as we talk that agreement seems harder and harder to hold up too. I have a feeling that she feels the same way but both of us are aware of the possible consequences of what could happen. And yet as i was thinking about this while staring at my reflection in the pool it felt right. Of course i have done a lot of things that "feel right" and they usually end up being wrong. How do i get myself in these situations? Is this something that is suppose to be just not now? Or is this some wild fantasy i have? Do i love her? No but i do care about her and who knows what may happen in the future i don't only God. I hat not having control or even an idea of what is to come. I hope this works out but i am not going to be stupid about it. What ever happen to the days where consequence was just a word and not a reality? Well in the end all i can do is hope for the best right? But as i stared at the rippling water of the pool i couldn't help but to think about those blue eyes. Hmm maybe one day i can right a song about them.

Behind Brown Eyes

So I have always considered myself the hero in the story of life. That guy who is always there when someone needs help or someone to talk to or needs advice. Or when someone is in danger I always imagined it would be me who comes to save them. But i feel like i have not properly casted myself. As much as i may like to think of myself as the hero i cant help but to shake the feeling that i am the bad guy. You know the one who is trying to help but only ends up messing things up?  What if I am not supposed to be the hero does that make me the villain? I sure as hell am not gonna be a pedestrian or some person in distress no, i am either the hero or the villain no in between. I don't want to be the bad guy but it just seems to end up that way no matter what I do. Its like that The Who wrote "Behind Blue Eyes" except mine are brown.  I wish someone was out there who could relate who understood what its like to be "fated" (pronounced like faited). " But my dreams aren't as empty as my conscience seems to be".  But what is the point of having a dream if you have no one to share it with? I have hours, only lonely.  But I guess i am asking to much because really nobody is going to know what its like "Behind Brown Eyes". I cant expect people to understand me because to simply put it, They are not me.  Well maybe one day someone will come along but I guess for now I am on my own.

Wouldn't it be nice?

Sometimes i ask myself...will i ever fall in love? Or am i destined to be a hopeless romantic lost in a world fueled by raging hormones and sex drives. I find myself in this predicament often where I find a nice girl who is attractive and smart but really is only looking for one thing. Ironic isn't it? My gender is constantly being stereotyped as animals who rely on their reproductive instinct to live their lives. And yet all of the encounters i have had it has been the exact opposite (note to self: have a long talk with whoever wrote high school biology books). Or i meet a girl who is attractive but is lacking a specific...depth she doesn't make decisions based off of her own convictions but tends to be easily influenced by everyone around her. Or the the last and most often predicament I find her that diamond in the rough who is beautiful, smart, elegant and loving BUT...she always has a boyfriend. As Smash mouth once said "whats the use in trying? all you get is pain, when i wanted sunshine I got rain".  Maybe i am just picky but i have always been taught to maintain my standards no matter what and lets be honest..when has slumming ever lead to a good relationship I mean have you ever seen an episode of Jerry Springer?  I don't wanna sound like i am complaining although i fear it is already too late for that but Wouldn't it be nice if i could wake up in the morning and have her by my side? That "special" someone that everyone says i am destined for?  Everyone else i know has found somebody so..why cant i? Why cant i just catch a break and accidentally stumble across my future wife in a parking lot or realize the person who is supposed to be with me has been my best friend for years? Wouldn't it be nice?

First Time

Just checkin to see if my blog is up and runnig