Not How or Where or When...but who?

So in my last blog i talked about questions that i ask. One that has been coming up is: Who am I?

I know what my name is and where i am from, I know i have certain personality traits but WHO AM I?!? What defines me as who i am? Is it a bunch of nice words? Or is it by the things i do? i have done alot of good stuff, but on the other hand i have done alot of bad stuff. If somebody came up and asked who are you the normal response is "I am           " and your name usually goes in the blank spot.  But do you really pay attention to what the person is asking? The didn't ask what your name is. They asked who are you? But what makes me Michael Ryan Gray me? Is it my genetic structure? I know God created me in his likeness and image, but what part of him do i possess? As humans we cannot contain all of him otherwise wed explode!! And it says in his Likeness not exactly like him. The translation of my name Michael means "Who is Like God?" It isn't saying that i am like God, it is asking a question. So I ask, Who are you?, and more importantly Who am I?

A Few Thoughts

So I have done alot of thinking lately...of course i do that too much....waaaaay to much to be honest. I feel like that for being 19 i worry way to much about things that your average everyday 19 year old wouldn't. Not that i am a worry wart but these things concern me(I wont bother you with a list because well lets face it it would be waay to long). But i guess that is just how i am. 19 and pondering things that would drive some of the greatest philosophers up a wall.  Of course you don't need to be a philosopher to be annoyed by me just ask my mom and the people who have to put up with me on a regular basis.

Second thought i feel useless. First reason i don't have a job and second my friends are having all of these problems and i am just here. I feel like i just take up air.  I want to help but it just seems like i am not good enough or i just don't understand or i am not to be trusted all of which i feel are kinda crazy except for maybe the understanding thing but at the very least i can listen and console. However, in my experiences words rarely help for me it has always been music.  If i had the talent I would lock myself in a room and i would play piano all day and all night never quitting. And when people who were troubled or sad or upset came to listen to me all of there troubles would be melted away and they would go home re-energized and prepared for anything However this is just the fantasy of a dreamer and a man in love with music. 

The problem i have is that nobody really gets me and understands except for God of course.  But nobody i know really understands me. Is it too much to ask for someone who will listen to what i have to say,  Who will understand where i am coming from?  I just want someone who wants to know me. But i cant just pour my life out to somebody who wont share with me. That's not how i work. Ben Folds once wrote "If you cant trust, you cant be trusted". This is something i always hold close. Maybe it is because i have been let down by people to many times. Or maybe it is because i fear i will be stabbed in the back, but would you share your crayons with someone who wont share theirs with you?  I know it seems elementary (no pun intended) but that's how I am.  Maybe I am just trying to cope with the fact that people don't really need and/or want me? I don't know i just write what i think.

Helping Hand

Dear Jesus,

I have very few friends. At least really close friends that i can tell pretty much everything to. In fact i can count them all on one hand and not even use all the fingers. I don't want more friends because i love the ones have now but i have a problem. My friends are hurting and i feel completely useless. I don't expect them to tell me everything but i just feel like no matter how hard i try to help they either don't want me or don't trust me. So that's why i am talking to you...or blogging. So idk what is going on or what you are planning. But could you give them a helping hand. Or could you show them that i am here. But i mean if you wanna do it yourself that's cool cuz i really only mess things up, but i digress. Jesus help my friends with whatever they are dealing with and help them to know that if they just need someone to listen i am here or if they need a shoulder to cry on i am here. But more importantly remind them that you are ALWAYS here. 

 Love,

  Michael

Trust Issues

I have always had problems trusting. Whether it be myself others or even God. But today that has changed despite everything that has happened these past months today i have never felt more peace in my life. I spent some time in the Adoration Chapel today at church. I felt like i needed some quiet time to help get my head on straight and get my bearing.  Monday night i was at a friends house and we watched a segment of the T3 series and there was one thing that really hit home for me. Prayer. Something that has been seriously lacking in my life. I have always had a hard time praying unless something bad happens. Of course i think that is how alot of us are when it comes to prayer. The reason i have had a hard time praying was because i didn't trust God. I was just sorta going through the motions. I believed and all but i had never really trusted. The idea of trusting in something i only saw once a week and something that never really talked back to me was a little crazy to me.  However that all changed when i realized that when i did pray i wasn't praying correctly. Now i have heard time and time again that there is no "right" way to pray. However, when Mark Hart talked about the wedding at Cana he said Mary showed us how to pray in the most simple way. All she says is "They have no wine" then she turned to the servants and said "Do what he tells you". That's it. It is so simple and yet i have hard the hardest time saying that.  She tells Jesus what is wrong she tells the servants to trust in the Lord and Bam everything was ok. Why? Because they trusted in God. They didn't say hey God i need this. or God could you do it this way. It was simply "they have no wine" and "do what he tells you.  So today i went into the Adoration Chapel and i simply said "God i have no direction please help me". And to my surprise something happened.  I sat in the chapel for about an hour as i started reading "Confessions of St. Augustine". As i read i felt overwhelmed with emotion. The words that St. Augustine shares in his book are so powerful. Every word jumped out and hit home. There were a few times i almost thought i was going to cry because of the sheer beauty of what was written and how it was written. But while i was in the chapel i felt comfort. I felt relieve that i didn't have to worry about my problems and that God would take care of everything as long as i trusted in him.

For awhile now i have been discerning the priesthood. And i use the term discerning very lightly. It was more of a ya that's nice but i don't really care or God i love ya but your crazy.  But today that changed.  I have been so stupid and ignorant to what God wants and all i have been focused on is what I want. Even in my selfishness God was kind enough to show me mercy and comfort. I don't know what God has planned i don't have to. All i know is that whatever it is i trust him and Love him.

So by now (if you are still reading this) you are probably like ok..well what is the meaning of this? I plan on becoming a Catholic Priest. After i get my associates i will be able to go to seminary and continue discerning my vocation to the priesthood. If it is what God has planned for me then i know i will be happy. If not...well that's ok its in Gods hands

Sleeping In

I have always hated waking up in the morning. I hate the feeling of being tired and i hate when i have to be somewhere before the sun is up. however tomorrow is going to be different. I don't want to sleep in. I want to have to get up and drag myself out of bed to see you. I want to sit in the shower cursing asking myself why i have to be up so early. I want to get into my car and feel the icy cold upholstery on my skin and the brisk air in my car. I want to feel the pain of my contacts in my eyes because my eyes are still swollen because they haven't rested enough. I want to stand in the shower and curse life because it is so damn early.  I want to get in my car drive over while it is still dark and right before i open the door ask "Why the fuck am i up so early?". Because i know when i open the door i look down and see something that has all but vanished from this world. I want to look at the happy face of someone who only knows love.  And then i remember this is why i wake up. This is why shrug of the pain in my eyes, this is why i embrace the cold morning chill.

But tomorrow ill be up at around ten. The sun will be shining but it will still be cold. And my eyes wont be swollen but i still wont be able to see the joy. Some people may read this and say stop sulking or get a grip. But what they don't understand or fail to realize is that you were one of the few people who accepted me. You were such an amazing person and will be in the years to come.  You have so much to share with the world and you are just now getting started. You mean so much to me and alot of other people who you will probably never know. I know you may not understand right now and maybe you never will but i really do Love you and always will. And as long as i am around there will always be a candle lit in the church burning bright for you.

I know things are kinda bad right now but even when the bombs go off the sun will still be shining, cuz every mushroom cloud has a silver lining.

So now i have alot of quiet time 30 more hours to be exact and while alot of it will be devoted to finding a new job i think i will devote alot more time to someone who i need to spend more time with and will hopefully give me the direction i need.

Curve Ball or Head on Collision?

So i messed up. Not that its a big surprise i mean don't i always?  But i can help to ask myself is this a curve-ball from God? Or is this just another one of those consequences for my actions? I mean obviously i made a mistake and lost the trust of people i care about along with  my job. Could things have gone better? Sure things could always go better. Am i sorry for what i did? You bet your ass i am? But its like my step-dad always told me "Mikey sorry doesn't mean shit. Its already done and you cant change it." I got too comfortable and it cost me. But i cant help but to ask myself is there a reason for this? Am i where God wants me right now? Or is this just the usual Michael fuck up. Personally i lean towards the second option but we always judge ourselves harsher than what we actually deserve It would have been nice to have sat and talked about everything before this happened but you did what you felt was right. I don't deserve forgiveness or your kindness. I messed up and that's that. 

however, cant help but to ask. What now? I thought this job was a real chance to live out my faith. to do what i tell the teens to do and  help people, but apparently i cant even help others so i guess i should practice what i preach. Somebody told me that God has something better planned for me? But what could possibly be better? And even if there is something better, I don't deserve it. Is this a curve-ball or is this something that was coming head on and i didn't bother to get out of the way?

Broken Hearted

So i went on a retreat this weekend and i don't think i have ever been affected in such a way. It was difficult for me to focus not just on the small things but even playing music was challenging. It wasn't the lack of sleep that distracted me or all the running around. It was the things some of my teens shared in small groups that really hit me. Whoever said that our youth is wasted was wrong. The correct term is misunderstood and crying out for help.

The first thing that completely blew my mind was a girl i had met. A 16 year old girl who has had to raise hesrself and her siblings because her parents don't care. But not only that a 16 year old girl who is so compassionate and loving that she is raising her Godchild because her Godchild's mother passed away. 16 and taking the world no time for play, no time to live a "normal" life. Not only that but because of all the pain that being in high school can bring she feels like nobody is out there who she can talk to. She puts up walls and wont open up. But finally God was able to make her walls crumble as she opened up and started crying saying how she couldn't take it anymore. I don't if what i said helped at all because to be honest i really didn't know what to say. But after our discussion a light seemed to shine once again in a broken spirit.

Then there is the Gangster. The one who hangs out with the wrong crowd because they will give him protection. A 15 year old kid who needs protection. Is it me or is something wrong with that? not only that but he tells me how he cant be at home because his father is always doing "business" I wont say what kind but i am sure you can guess.  How bad do things have to be to where the best people you can find are the ones that cause problems and break the law? However amongst everything God was still able to move through him. He was Honest he knew what he had been doing was wrong and said how he wanted to change. But what really hit me was when he told me that because of me he wanted to change. That i was his role model and somebody to look up too. Me? I don't get it i am no one special and i am just as flawed as anybody else. I'm not perfect.

Then there are the twins. The two kids i have the most sympathy for. Not because they have a shitty life or anything but because everyone seems to have lost hope. The two brothers are rude, they always fight, they cause all sorts of trouble and absolutely hate youth group.  But the thing is I love both of those kids. I know that deep down they aren't as bad as everyone seems to make them out to be. Yes they cause problems but saying how much they annoy you doesn't help that. The only thing i have seen that works with people like that is compassion, and not the touchy feely stuff. No. Its the kind of compassion that comes from an older sibling.  The one that even though he isn't always perfect he still knows whats appropriate and whats not. But they don't have that. All they know is competition and trying to beat everybody else. To make sure that they are the best and everybody knows it. But if nobody shows them faith or compassion then how will they change?

These are just a few of the things that went on during the retreat. The sad thing is i cant fix these things. All i do is listen and try to help. But it isn't enough not for these kids. They deserve the best, they deserve love and compassion like no other. They all need help. I have never felt so broken hearted after a retreat. I have never seen so many cracked and broken spirits.

Misunderstood

A few months ago i watched Dracula and i ended up really liking it. It was an old version but my favorite character was Dracula himself. When at first glance he is seen as a monster something evil that must be destroyed. But in reality he is just well...misunderstood. In the very beginning of the movie Dracula's wife gets a letter saying that he died in battle. She ends up being so distressed she jumps out of a building and kills herself. When Dracula returns he does not take the death of his wife to well. Long story short through his grief he becomes the "monster" that everybody knows and well loves to hate. But the problem is nobody really understands the pain. Nobody understands what causes this anger he has. Sure he has to drink blood to survive but all he wants is his love back.

Now in no way am i comparing my life to that of Dracula however i feel like i am misunderstood. Like the intentions i have are mistaken for something evil and sinister. Like as much as i try to pull i just get shoved away i thought things were ok but i don't know maybe i was wrong.  I don't think people understood the pain Dracula felt cuz if they did then maybe they wouldn't have been so hostile. Or maybe if he looked like Edward Cullen he may have not been run off.  I don't know sometimes i just don't think its fair. But hey that's life right.

A little Help

I wish knew what to do. I think of myself and i really don't know what to think. Every since i was a little kid i always wanted to be a hero. Save the day get the girl and fly off into the distance with the wind at my back. I have always considered myself a fighter. Not in the physical sense, although i have had my few scuffles but i don't like to sit idly by when something needs to be done. Whether it is something that needs to be fixed or crime that needs to be fought, i hate being useless. I don't have much in the way of talent i mean ya i can play the piano but i am no Elton John or Nat King Cole.  But other than that i don't have much to offer. I have thought about being a priest but lets face it i am really not the kind of person who should be sheperding peoples souls and i am no where near strong enough to make a vow of celibacy.  My entire life i have always seen myself as a family man. With lots of kids a beautiful wife and a dog. My biggest problem is that what i want to do i really cant support a family. I feel like God has backed me into a corner and i only have one way out. I know it isn't the truth but I still feel this way. I feel...stagnant. I want to help people i know that and i love teaching people about the church and history and theology and whatnot. But still i know that path leads to the priesthood because there really isn't another job where theology really can bring home the bacon to support a family.

All of my friends have these amazing stories of how they became catholic or truly began to believe.  One of my friends realized how much God loved her after a failed suicide attempt and how that changed her life. Another friend found his way while lost in a parking lot. But what about me? I became Catholic because i wanted more. I felt stagnant in my faith as a Lutheran and realized i was missing out on something beautiful. But i didn't have anybody there to influence me. Just people to answer questions and books to satisfy my hunger for knowledge and history.  I feel like i am wandering just floating in empty space working and killing time with school. i feel like i have no purpose I'm an easy person to talk to. But what is the point if no one is willing to talk? Ya i can offer advice to tens and help them on there journey through life but i really don't count for much there. It is there choice whether or not they want to do what is right all i can offer them is the truth. I would much rather just be kicked in the nuts by God and pointed in the right direction but i guess that is asking to much. God enjoys being...subtle.   Everyone says pray and trust and be patient but time is running out. I don't want to be wandering or floating the rest of my life. I will never abandon my faith\ that much i know i may be unsure but i will always have my convictions.

God if you are reading this a little help would be nice thanks.

Anybody Wanna Go?

Have you ever just been so angry you don't know what to do. I sear if i didn't have to work I probably would've completely lost my cool by now. Why am i so angry? I don't know. Life, I guess. The last time i felt this way i ended up punching a heavy bag for so long you could see the bones on my knuckles and i managed to rip through the bag i was hitting. I just want to throw something and scream. agggh i hate self restraint!. I have been trying to keep my cool for so long and i feel like i have reached a breaking point. I shouldn't be angry i shouldn't be alot of things but i am. God please grant me some peace of mind right now because i am feeling the exact opposite. I wanna hit something to throw something and just go insane for a few minutes. When i was younger me and my friends would throw some gloves on and go at it for hours in a makeshift boxing ring. Sometimes we wouldn't even use gloves just go bare knuckle and sometimes even bring it to the floor. And afterwards when are faces were bloodied, bruised and swollen we would start laughing and everything was cool.  Sadly i have nobody to get into a ring with. SO i am stuck sitting here Blogging about how i feel ugh.

What I Want to Say.

So there is alot i want to tell you but i am afraid i wont get the chance. So i am gonna try my best however once again i am at a loss for words but thank God for Taylor Swift

Got lost in your eyes
And never really had a chance
I had so many dreams
About you and me
Happy endings
I went and let you down
I hope it's not too late for me

So here i am, on my knees
Begging for forgiveness
I'm so sorry
But  you have someone
Who will actually treat you well
This is a big world
We are stuck in a small town
I just hope i don't get stuck disappearing in your rear view mirror.

After the retreat i finally realized what i did wrong besides the whole abandoning you thing. I love you but it isn't my place that belongs to somebody else. I got so wrapped up in how i felt i didn't realize that i was in the wrong place that it isn't my place to sweep you off your feet. I couldn't except that fact and i was so angry and jealous that i couldn't get ahold of myself. I exercised a lack of humility snapped and when i did you of all people got hit by the back lash. I really want to tell you all this in person but seeing as you are busy and dealing with your own problems this was the only way i could get this out. I'm so sorry for everything and i really hope you are doing ok. You don't need to respond to this i know you are busy. But if we don't fix things if the fragile line we walk does break just please don't ever forget that i love you and always will. You are and always will be in my prayers.

Patience

So its been awhile since we have talked. I miss chatting. But you said you needed time and space and i will wait as long as i have to until you are ready. I understand what you are going through especially when it comes to not beinga in a state of Grace it is hard to get back. But God is merciful and i have found the best time for Confession is right before the five o'clock mass when Fr. Tim or Fr. Greg are in their offices. I am praying for you and just wanted you to know that i am thinking about you. And i hope that we can talk someday and clear things up. But until then i am here patiently waiting and praying.

What to do.

So i constantly find myself falling out of Gods grace. I know that going to confession will absolve me but i feel like i am on a freaking marry go round. I don't mean to do what i do i just cant help it. the longest i had gone was the entire Lenten season. After that i went a week. But i am so sick and tired of having to go to confession for the same reason week after week. I know it is supposed to help but still. Sometimes it gets to the point of where i just cant focus. Ugh God please help i am weak and i need your help as usual. I cant do this on my own. Maybe one day i wont have to worry about it. But as father Craig always says Get holy or die trying. I just hope i can get Holy before i die.

Michelle

Today is a very special day. Not just because it is all St's Day but because it is someone elses very special day.

Today is your14th birthday. It seems like just yesterday you were a curly-headed-trouble-maker singing lets go fly a kite in the back of the van on the way to California. You have grown so much since then. You are a beautiful young woman now and you can do anything you want with your life should you so choose. You have accomplished more in the 14 years you have been around than I probably ever will. You have soo much potential and i hope you use all of it to do great things.

I don't know if you will ever read this. but if you do not matter how much you make me wanna strangle you i Love you little sister and as long as i can i will always protect you from anyone or anything. Just promise me that you wont grow up to fast, and never forget that i love you.