WTF?

i wish i could blog what im thinking right now. but all i can do is ask. wtf was thinking. i just want to crawl into a hole right now and never come out. i mean ive waited so long and its right there but nope  effed that one up. am i overreacting. maybe some people would say hey its nbd. but i guess they just dont get it. it is a big deal and i just idk what happened. what the hell was i thinking.

I wish I could show you how much you mean to me. I wish I could take my heat out and put it in your chest so you would have a full understanding  of how i feel about you. You do a damn good job of that already trust me. But, there is a just a littld bit thats missing. I want to do so much for you, give yu the world and more, I want to share everything with you. Im sorry I cant do anything. I tried, I really did I fought but I guess I just didnt fight hard enough. I dont want you to go anywhere or do something crazy. I'd walk to the end of time with you, I'd search every corner of the earth and more if you disapeared. Im sorry I cant do more. I really wish I could. One of the last things my step-dad told me before he died was "keep fighting". Honestly, I had no idea what he meant, still kinda dont. Maybe he was talking abut how life gets harder but you should fightn o matter what, or maybe he was talking about relationships. Or he could have been talking about when your on the brink of death to keep fighting no matter what I dont know.

I dont know why I am writing this, I just have alot of my mind and needed to get this out. i apologize if I wasted anybodies time.

Whoa

there really isnt any other word to describe how i feel and whats going on except whoa. its amazing how quickly things change. i cant describe in words how you make me feel, it is quite extraordinary though. i feel slightly overwhelmed by everything but at the same time i feel like in the end everything will be great. ive never felt the way i do about anyone in my life.  but you have this way of making me feel...loved like you truly care no matter how big or how small.

 but im scared. im scared that im not good enough, that i dont deserve someone like you as a friend. im scared i will mess things up and i dont think i could forgive myself if i did.  theres no combination of words i could put on the back of a postcard, no song i could sing but i could try for your heart...love is the answer to most of the questions i have on my heart, like where do we go or we are we from. i know that things for me are always better when i am with you. and i cant explain how everything that has transpired this past week except, whoa.

Where is My Backup?

i honestely thought going to sv would really help me feel better before the school year started. its always been my getaway place. but being here has only made things worse, mainly because i ended up in the same place i do when im in gilbert. in a dark movie theater by myself. i feel like im in some sort of fight or a war but im by myself. when i call for backup instead of getting a response all i get is static. i feel like i should just stop trusting people or expecting things. because lets face it all that happens is i get let down or hurt in the end. its almost not even worth the pain. but alas i am forced by the moral code that runs the universe to stick it out. it would just be great if i had some backup.

Lost

Dont get too excited I am not about to start writing about that ridiculous show, this is a bit more personal. You know its weird I was sitting and talking with my mom and grandma today when my grandma said something to me that sorta seemed odd. She told me that "I have always struck as a boy who is lost". Lost, that word brings up such interesting images. When I think of lost I think of someone wandering the dessert wearing some sort of middle eastern turban and struggling to survive. I think of lost in the religious sense as in like in the song Amazing Grace "I once was lost but now I am found", only just without the being found part. However, the phrase that really sorta comes up is from Pirates of the Caribbean when Captain Barbosa says "For certain you must be lost to find the places that cant be found", in other words you cant find something that isn't lost. This also refers to finding oneself in life.

As much as it kills me to say it, she is right I am lost but for some reason I have a Barbosa sense of wonder when it comes to being lost. However, I worry if it is apathy that has made me this way or is it understanding that I cant change things and that things need to be. Now I am not referring to people and relationships I am talking about life in general. You know that point in life when people expect you to know what your plans are? Sometimes you have to just wait and see what happens, and if you are worried about being lost its ok someone will find you.

5 years

You never know how someone will affect you in life. Last Friday marked the five year anniversary of the loss of someone very special to me. Someone who not only helped me buy took care of me. Someone who was more of a father to me than my own actual dad. My step-dad Arthur Kyliavas.

There were so many times when he couldve turned around and just left me and my mom, but he didnt. To be honest, in the begining I gave him plenty of reasons for him to leave but he didnt. It isn't fair that he was taken so soon. Not just from me but from his daughter my sister and his wife.

In all honesty in the begining of our relationship we hated each other. I could not stand that man, and believe me I went out of my way to let him no it. Its probably the biggest regret I have, not getting to know him sooner. It wasnt until his later years in life when we really bonded and he would actually call me son. He is the only person who has refered to me as son. He was so proud when I started JROTC I wish he wouldve been there to see me graduate.

There have been so many moments when I could really have used your advice, and there are so many things that I wish I could say to you, but now I cant. I really hope you are proud of me dad I really do. I dont know what you think of me being catholic. I remember you once told me that I would never be able to do it because there are so many rules, but hey look at me now and I am even considering becoming a priest. I hope you enjoy the rose I got you I know they were your favorite. It was all I could give you right now.

We all miss you Dad I hope you have finally found peace in the arms of Christ, and if you dont mind put in a good word for me.

Pie Jesu, qui tollis peccata mundi

Anima ejus,

 et ánimæ ómnium fidélium defunctórum,

per misericórdiam Dei requiéscant in pace sempiternam

Amen.