Literary Torment

oh how i wish to just skip to the end of this book. not because it is bad becaus i wish to know the fate of fermina daza and florentino ariza. how i long to skip ahead and see what fate has instore for them. of course you may ask why i am sobadimate about finding out what happens. it is simply the book is a reflection of my own reality. my own struggle of love. it is almost as if my own fate is tied to these two characters. as the scenes play out and i get closer to the end i feel myself becoming more anxious and excited at the same time. i fear a tragic ending where the romance dies and love is lost. and yet too often does that occur to often is the happy ending lost. i want to just flip to the last chapter to see how this love plays out and yet if i skip the minor details i may not understand why the ending is the way it is. a fear of misinterpreting the happy ending or mistaking a sad one for a happy one. ahh love why are you the driving fire of my soul that insists on this torment.

In my Head

So i have had alot on my mind lately and for some crazy reason i have these wo songs well three wait i think its like four songs running through my head. So i will post the lyrics and tell me what my brain is trying to say cuz i am done trying to figure out whats in my head.

January 1, I've got a lot of things on my mind
I'm looking at my body through a new spy satellite
Try to lift a finger, but I don't think I can make the call
So tell me if I move, 'cause I don't feel anything at all

So Carry Me,
I'm just a dead man
Lying on the carpet
Can't find a heartbeat
Make me breathe,
I want to be a new man
Tired of the old one
Out with the old plan

I woke up from a dream about an empty funeral
But is was better than the party full of people I don't really know
They've got hearts to break and burn
Dirty hands to feel the earth
There's something in my veins,
But I can't seem to make it work... won't work

So Carry Me,
I'm just a dead man
Lying on the carpet
Can't find a heartbeat
Make me breathe,
I want to be a new man
Tired of the old one
Out with the old plan

Can you find a beat inside of me?
Any pulse?
Getting worse?
Any pulse?
Getting worse?
Inside of me, can you find a beat?

Carry Me,
I'm just a dead man
Lying on the carpet
Can't find a heartbeat
Make me breathe,
I want to be a new man
Tired of the old one
Out with the old plan

####

You waved your hand and it was done
Said "Let it be", and there it was
A mountain, so high, it broke through, the sky
A canyon, so deep, it'll bring a man to his knees

[Chorus]
I've seen what you can do
I've seen you make miracles and hopeless dreams come true
You've made the heavens and the stars
Everything, come on how hard
Could it be, To make her love me?

I've said some things I shouldn't have
Tried everything to win her back
I'm human, I messed up, Is she gone?, Are we done?
Forgiveness, another chance, that's all I want, it's in your hands

[chorus]
I've seen what you can do
I've seen you make miracles and hopeless dreams come true
You've made the heavens and the stars
Everything, come on how hard
Could it be, To make her love me?

[Chorus]

To make her love me
To make her love me (oooo)

####

My past won't stop haunting me
In this prison there's a fight between
Who I am and who I used to be

This thorn in my side is a grace
For because of it the flesh and blood of God
Was offered in my place, my place

You fought the fight in me
You chased me down and finished the race
I was blind but now I see
Jesus You kept the faith in me

Where did my best friends go?
In my defense they disappeared
Just like Your friends did to You, oh Lord

But You were there, You gave me strength
So this little one might come to know
The glory of Your name, Your name

You fought the fight in me
You chased me down and finished the race
I was blind but now I see
Jesus You kept the faith in me

Awaiting, set apart like incense to Your heart
A libation I'm pouring out
Empty and beautiful, beautiful, beautiful

You fought the fight in me
You chased me down and finished the race
I was blind but now I see
Jesus You kept the faith in me

You fought the fight in me
You chased me down and finished the race
I was blind but now I see
Jesus You kept the faith in me
Jesus You kept the faith in me
Savior, You kept the faith in me

####

Lost, everything is lost
And everything I've loved before is gone
Alone like the coming of the frost
And a cold winter's chill in my stony heart

And where were You when all that I've hoped for?
Where You when all that I've dreamed?
Came crashing down in shambles around me
You were on the cross

Pain, could you take away the pain?
If I find someone to blame, would it make my life seem easier?
Alone, all my friends are asleep
And I can't find anyone to stay awake with me

Where were You when sin stole my innocence?
Where were You when I was ashamed?
Hiding in a life, I wish, I never made

You were on the cross, my God, my God, all along, all along
You were on the cross, You died for us, all along, all along
You were on the cross, victorious, all along, all along

You were there in all of my suffering
And You were there in doubt and in fear
I'm waiting on the dawn to reappear

and last but not least

Your gun went off.
Well you shot off your mouth and look where it got you.
My mouth runs on too.

Shouts from both sides,
"Well we've got the land but they've got the view!"
Well now here's the clue.

Life it rents us.
And yeah I hope it put plenty on you.
Well I hope mine did too.

As life gets longer, awful feels softer.
Well it feels pretty soft to me.
And if it takes shit to make bliss,
then I feel pretty blissfully.

Your gun went off.
Well you shot off your mouth and look where it got you.
My mouth runs on too.

Shouts from both sides,
"Well we've got the land but they've got the view!"
Well now here's the clue.

We are fixed right where we stand.

Life it rents us.
And yeah I hope it put plenty on you.
Well I hope mine did too.

We are fixed right where we are.

As life gets longer, awful feels softer.
Well it feels pretty soft to me.
And if it takes shit to make bliss,
well I feel pretty blissfully.

For every invention made how much time did we save?
We're not much farther than we were in the cave.

As life gets longer, awful feels softer,
and it feels pretty soft to me.
And if it takes shit to make bliss,
well I feel pretty blissfully.

If life's not beautiful without the pain,
well I'd just rather never ever even see beauty again.
Well as life gets longer, awful feels softer.
And it feels pretty soft to me.

For every good deed done there is a crime committed.
We are fixed.
For every step ahead we could have just been seated.
We are fixed.

As life gets longer, awful feels softer.
Well it feels pretty soft to me.
And if it takes shit to make bliss,
well I feel pretty blissfully.

We are fixed.
We are fixed.
We are fixed right where we stand.

ok so iits five i am at a community college dont expect me to be too smart. So if your reading this you are probably confused which is ok so am i. but maybe i helped you find some good bands.

im sorry. idk if you care anymore or if you even read my thoughts or even care about me anymore. but im sorry please dont hate me. i

i sometimes hate this blog. its like a blessing and a curse. i hate that i really cant express how i feel without gettin chastised or in trouble. but you know what hurts the most is when all of my friends have problems when they afe hurt or need somebody and i am standing right here shouting, hey hello im right here and im just ignored or pushed aside.  am i missing something. do i just not get something. why does everyboey push me away. all i want to do is help and console. but apparently i cant apparently something is wrong with me. am i being sensitive. probably. but thats who i am i feel to much i am a sap and i am sensitive. so believe me when i tell you guys that it breaks my heart to see you guys in pain. and it hurts me when i cant help. i doubt anybody is going to read this let alone pay any attention to this. but if you are a reader looking for idk what youd be looking for just please dont close out this blog without knowing.
i love you.

Love

i just dont get it. i know i want it and i know i want to give it. but why does hurt why do i still cling to this crazy idea and truth of the matter is i cant let go nor do i want to. as much as it hurts i have never felt anything as pure as this. i just wish i understood it better. i guess al i can do is wait and hope all turns out well. even if i end up like florentino minus all the six hundred twenty two affairs.

so this blog is long overdue but god i cannot praise you enough for ghe things you have revealed to me. see for the longest time i had been coming to you in prayer asking for this and that but i never truly understood until recently. i was listening to rememberance by matt my maher and the first line hit me like a brick.

oh how can this be that my god will welcom me into this mystery...

finally for the first time i truly recognized my insignificance how sinful and terrible i really am. how hurt and broken i was and how i have been handling a certain problem completely wrong. throughout this entire lent there is a psalm that is always in my head

a humble and contrite heart you will not spurn oh lord.

god you have such amazing love and compassion that even thoug i am messed up the way i am you love me perfectly and there will never truly be any praise i could sing that can express my appretiation for what you have done. lord i love you so much please do not take your loving gaze from me ever. and help me lord to continue to love lik your son christ did. thank you i love you.

amen

god,

am i broke. idk what is wrong wih me but i need you to fix me...please. i dont even know whats wrong anymore i just need to be fixed. i got your letter and its omforting to know you are listening. but seriously if you get this please help.  i cant do this on my own. thanks

love,
michael

Empty Hands

all i have ever wanted to do is help people. since i was a little kid i was always superman and i eould always try and protect and save evrybody. i like to comfort those who need comfort often i find myself completely incapable of helping myself but will still run to someone if they need me. nothing hurts me more than thought of somebody crying or being upset and me not being there to comfort them and hold them. i hate feeling inadequate i hate the feeling of not being able to be there when someone is in need. i recently was presented with an oppurtunity to work in a hospital. i filled out the application and now its up to god and to be honest the anticipation is literally killing me.  but if i do get the job then i know where my path lays.

as of late things have been ridiculous if you dont know by now there is somebody in my life who is very special to me. and that is seriously understating it. for someone like me the worst feeling is feeling like im not good enough, maybe there is some sort of underlying psychological issue but thats beside the point. i hate feeling inadequate like my hand is outstretched but isnt good enough or sometning like that. so if you read this and your hurting please..my hands are open dont let them go empty.

Something I need to get off my chest.

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
that is all, sorry for wasting your time if you read this.

The Absurdity of Christianity

Don’t fret about the title I am not here to bash or hate on Christianity that would be stupid. The idea of an absurdity is something that logically does not add up. I have been taking a world philosophy course and as I have been reading and studying there is one fact that has been made very clear and apparent to me. Reality including the Ultimate Reality (God) is a contradiction. According to Aristotle, something that is a contradiction is ultimately illogical and as i stated earlier and absurdity. So the next question is: what does this have to do with me or Christianity?

 While I cannot take credit for the above statement "reality is contradiction", I can however take it to another level. Jesus Christ my Lord and savior who is eternally begotten of the Father is a perfect example of this idea. Christ was 100% man AND 100% God. Now this is something that almost every Christian knows. Maybe not understand, but they know it to be true. So if you "break up" Jesus into two parts you wouldn’t have to halves but two wholes. Lets first take a look at the one we are most familiar to us as humans the human part of Christ.
Humans since the beginning have been sinful in nature. Although we are created in the image and likeness of God by no means do we live up to him the most perfect and divine one. Humans at the very beginning disobeyed God and thus we are all born with Original Sin which is the desire to disobey God. We have a tendency to think of ourselves and in today's society don’t care who we have to step on to get where or what we want.  However, the biggest characteristic of humans is that we are finite. At a certain point in time our biological timers stop ticking and we will die. This is an unavoidable fact. Now let’s discuss the second "half" of Jesus, the part we strive to encounter, the Divine.

Divine defined in the dictionary is: proceeding from God, characteristic of or befitting a deity. Now in Christianity if you didn't already know has one God and it is the same God that the Jewish people worship. Now because at this point in time my mind is finite I can only come up with finite ways of describing that which is infinite, and because I am an imperfect being any words I use to describe that which is perfect will of course fall short, so humor me if you will. The divine is something that is perfect; it is something that never ceases to exist and in the case of God, was not created. It always is and was and always will be. The Divine will not cease to exist; it is the creator and the absolute, the Alpha and Omega. So now that I have to the best of my abilities defined the finite and infinite let’s see where the Truth lies.

Logically speaking it is impossible to put two opposing forces together and achieve harmony. You cannot have life and death in the same room, at the same time, in the same person. You cannot have darkness in a room that is filled completely with light. Yet when we speak of Jesus Christ we have just that, we have the finite living in harmony with infinite, thus you have the contradiction. So does this mean that because Christianity’s core belief is a contradiction that there is not truth? NO!
Life in itself is one big contradiction after another. You cannot have hot without the knowledge of cold. You cannot know what the dark is without knowing the light. You cannot have life without death. We have such an easy time excepting the previous examples as truths and yet we will not embrace Christ as the Ultimate Truth because it’s he is a contradiction, he is the finite AND the infinite. If I was Chinese I’d say he is the Tao in the flesh (not that every Chinese person is a Taoist but you get the idea). The Tao is what most people will associate the Yin Yang with.  It is the foundation for most eastern religions the idea that one thing cannot exist without the other. That hard cannot exist without soft and when they come together they are in harmony as one entity. For us that one entity is Christ he is the human and the divine, the finite and the infinite, the Contradiction which is the Ultimate Reality.

There will be many people in life who will never understand this concept. They have been programmed to think one way and instead of thinking outside the proverbial box simply sit in ignorance and refuse to come out. The biggest cause of ignorance is a refusal to think. Jose Ortega y Gasset stated in his book What is Philosophy? that “we must not rest content on the surface”  this suggests that we look beyond that which is right in front of us. Philosophy when all is said and done is simply thinking about the universe and our place in it. Theology is the same thing only instead of the Universe it is God that we are thinking about.

So in conclusion my final challenge for you, assuming you are still reading this, is to look beyond the norm. The ideas presented in this article came from something I read out of a book about Zen Buddhism, and yet I have not spoken ill of my faith nor have I favored Buddhism. I simply took two ideas East and West and was able to make coincide harmoniously.