Life ha been interesting as of late. Something ha happened that, although I had hoped and prayed for it to happen, I never thought I would see it actually happen. Somebody, in this big gigantic universe, is in love with me....ME!? To be honest with you, I could sit here and blog about how that makes me feel, but there really is no way to describe how that makes me feel.
I always thought I was destined to be alone for the rest of my life. I really don't have much in the way of friends, and I am not the most attractive person, I also have a tendency to not always say the right thing, but in spite of all of my flaws, someone is out there who truly loves me, and guess what? I LOVE HER TOO!!!!!! Finally for once in my life I have something I never had before, direction. It's funny how a song can describe your life in a nut shell, I was lost, I was hurt and I didn't know who I was, but finally the haze has lifted, the tide is right and there is a wind behind my sails.
Of course, like any good thing in life, its going to be work, there will be good days and bad days but regardless of what happens I will promise to stick it out to the end. "When your feeling all alone, you wont be on your own."
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Ramblin Man
So I don't really know why I am bloggin. I guess I have alot on my mind, well sort of. It's like everything and nothing is on my mind.
I Just wish I could make sense of things, I feel....stupid. Maybe I am never supposed to understand things it's like Bright Eyes says "These things take forever I especially am slow". I don't like where I am at all, physically and emotionally. I want to leave. I don't know where I would go but out of this damned house would be great. Chris asked me to move with him to San Diego and as much as tempting of an offer that is I couldnt. I have to much here. No I think just my own place would suffice. I also wish God would be clear with me. I feel likehe is taking me somewhere but I have no idea where and it sucks. There is my romantic life which I dont even want to talk about. I just feel like I'm am going to explode and so does my GD head! I want so much...maybe that is my problem. Maybe I should be happy with what I have. It also pisses me off that I am constantly managing to hurt the only friend I have. I don't mean to I just I dont know get carried away or something. I am not trying to make an excuse for myself, I guess all that I can do is hope that my friend is patient with me.
The craziest thing happened to me today. I got into a fight with myself. I was in the car and I started arguing with myself out loud. Maybe I am just slowly slipping into madness. Of course maybe I just need some sleep.
I Just wish I could make sense of things, I feel....stupid. Maybe I am never supposed to understand things it's like Bright Eyes says "These things take forever I especially am slow". I don't like where I am at all, physically and emotionally. I want to leave. I don't know where I would go but out of this damned house would be great. Chris asked me to move with him to San Diego and as much as tempting of an offer that is I couldnt. I have to much here. No I think just my own place would suffice. I also wish God would be clear with me. I feel likehe is taking me somewhere but I have no idea where and it sucks. There is my romantic life which I dont even want to talk about. I just feel like I'm am going to explode and so does my GD head! I want so much...maybe that is my problem. Maybe I should be happy with what I have. It also pisses me off that I am constantly managing to hurt the only friend I have. I don't mean to I just I dont know get carried away or something. I am not trying to make an excuse for myself, I guess all that I can do is hope that my friend is patient with me.
The craziest thing happened to me today. I got into a fight with myself. I was in the car and I started arguing with myself out loud. Maybe I am just slowly slipping into madness. Of course maybe I just need some sleep.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Thoughts
I dont know what the point of this blog is right now. I'm probably just gonna ramble for a little bit so feel free to tune out.
Today sucks, plain and simple. I am in more pain than I will admit, and It Isn't just physical. I wish I knew what was wrong with me, I really do. For some reason no matter where I am or what I do I'm just not good enough. I not a good big brother, I'm not a good student, I've been told I am going to amount to nothing in life and that I am overweight or as my grandma so delicately puts it a "Fatty". No matter how hard I try to start something with the woman I love somebody or something is always trying to hinder me. My problem is I fight and I don't give up. Maybe I should maybe I should just throw in the towel amd leave. I wouldn't be missed. Hell I would probably be doing everyone a favor.I just can't seem to do anythingh right, I'm just not good enough I guess, maybe she's on to something. I've always liked my "Never Back Down" attitude I never stop fighting until I am down and out...literally.
I just dont want to give anyone the satisfaction I guess. I've always had to fight and struggle and that's made me who I am, but I cant help feeling that the game has changed. Is it because I fell in Love? Is that like the "Legendary" difficulty on Halo. When you fall in Love, everybody suddenly is against you? I dont understand maybe I was never meant to fall in Love. Maybe I am destined to be alone and the reason everything is so hard is because I am fighting God, or fate, or destiny, whatever the hell you want to call it. I have never loved any one person or any one thing the way I love you, and it has been far from easy, dealing with everything that we have. I could spend hours writing about everything we've been through as friends and what I've been through personally but none of that matters. All I want is for you to be happy, for you to succeed in life and whatever you choose to do. Believe me, I know life isnt easy, but I always imagined I would go down life's rocky road with someone. Its only been until recentlythat that person has been made clear. (yes it's you)
I don't want to give up. I can't give up. But if you asked me to stop, if you told me to go away and never come back. What choice would I have?
Today sucks, plain and simple. I am in more pain than I will admit, and It Isn't just physical. I wish I knew what was wrong with me, I really do. For some reason no matter where I am or what I do I'm just not good enough. I not a good big brother, I'm not a good student, I've been told I am going to amount to nothing in life and that I am overweight or as my grandma so delicately puts it a "Fatty". No matter how hard I try to start something with the woman I love somebody or something is always trying to hinder me. My problem is I fight and I don't give up. Maybe I should maybe I should just throw in the towel amd leave. I wouldn't be missed. Hell I would probably be doing everyone a favor.I just can't seem to do anythingh right, I'm just not good enough I guess, maybe she's on to something. I've always liked my "Never Back Down" attitude I never stop fighting until I am down and out...literally.
I just dont want to give anyone the satisfaction I guess. I've always had to fight and struggle and that's made me who I am, but I cant help feeling that the game has changed. Is it because I fell in Love? Is that like the "Legendary" difficulty on Halo. When you fall in Love, everybody suddenly is against you? I dont understand maybe I was never meant to fall in Love. Maybe I am destined to be alone and the reason everything is so hard is because I am fighting God, or fate, or destiny, whatever the hell you want to call it. I have never loved any one person or any one thing the way I love you, and it has been far from easy, dealing with everything that we have. I could spend hours writing about everything we've been through as friends and what I've been through personally but none of that matters. All I want is for you to be happy, for you to succeed in life and whatever you choose to do. Believe me, I know life isnt easy, but I always imagined I would go down life's rocky road with someone. Its only been until recentlythat that person has been made clear. (yes it's you)
I don't want to give up. I can't give up. But if you asked me to stop, if you told me to go away and never come back. What choice would I have?
Monday, September 12, 2011
When Fear Takes Hold
disclaimer, i am blogging from my phone so i wont be grammatically correct.
so i realized that i have this irrational fear. its kinda ridiculous because when i feel it creeping on me it leads to what can only be described as a panic attack. maybe its because prior events that have happened. maybe its due to the way i feel about you. but this fear creeps on me and it really scares me more than anything. i am so afraid im going to lose you. i know it sounds stupid and crazy but idk why this fear keeps coming up. it slowly makes its way into my head and starts to blacken my thoughts. and slowly my head starts playing every scenario of how it could happen. i needed to write to help alleviate some of the fear. but even then it doesnt help much. i dont want to lose you.
so i realized that i have this irrational fear. its kinda ridiculous because when i feel it creeping on me it leads to what can only be described as a panic attack. maybe its because prior events that have happened. maybe its due to the way i feel about you. but this fear creeps on me and it really scares me more than anything. i am so afraid im going to lose you. i know it sounds stupid and crazy but idk why this fear keeps coming up. it slowly makes its way into my head and starts to blacken my thoughts. and slowly my head starts playing every scenario of how it could happen. i needed to write to help alleviate some of the fear. but even then it doesnt help much. i dont want to lose you.
Something on Love
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
When I was a junior in High School I got laughed out of my english classroom for saying the following: "It is better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all". The worst part was I honestly thought that I had made up that quote because I had never heard it before. I guess for me I always thought that to live life without love is to live life without breathing. I have always been this sad little hopeless romantic.
It wasn't until I became Catholic until I realized what love really is, and how it was always right in front of me I just was oblivious. St. Paul fails in his description of love, not because of grammar or word choice, but because to understand love you must see it. The moment I truly understood love was the same moment I truly gazed upon Christ Crucified. Everytime I see that image my heart melts. Christ's love is the kind of love that bridges a gap between finite and eternal, damnation and salvation. So I asked myself how can I do this? How do I love like Christ? Because ultimately thats what life is about "To love as I have loved you". I think this is what St. Paul was tallking about when he speaks of Love enduring.
We are beings created by love, in the image and likeness of love. Since the begining really our only purpose is to love and be loved. However, its alot easier said than done. We live in a world where love has been twisted, where divorce rates are soring and infidelity is something that people film for entertainment. How are we to love if we never have a clear example of how to love, and how do we know what it means to be loved when we have never exeprienced it.
I can only speak for myself but, when I am with the person I love the most and you know who you are. I want to be by there side through everything, the good, the bad, the ugly. At every moment I want to make them smile, and I want to wrap my arms around them when they cry. I want to comfort them, but most of all even when they make a mistake I still want to be there. I want to endure with this person. Also I know that when I see this person smile it brings a warmth to my heart that I cant explain. And when we talk I could just listen for hours and still be happy. Even though I am scared of what may come, when I am around them I feel something that I only experience in one other place and that is peace. Maybe I crazy or out of my mind but "Love that is not madness is not love."
I dont know if this post makes any sense it may seem like a bunh of ramblimg but idk it was on my mind so I figured I would share.
When I was a junior in High School I got laughed out of my english classroom for saying the following: "It is better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all". The worst part was I honestly thought that I had made up that quote because I had never heard it before. I guess for me I always thought that to live life without love is to live life without breathing. I have always been this sad little hopeless romantic.
It wasn't until I became Catholic until I realized what love really is, and how it was always right in front of me I just was oblivious. St. Paul fails in his description of love, not because of grammar or word choice, but because to understand love you must see it. The moment I truly understood love was the same moment I truly gazed upon Christ Crucified. Everytime I see that image my heart melts. Christ's love is the kind of love that bridges a gap between finite and eternal, damnation and salvation. So I asked myself how can I do this? How do I love like Christ? Because ultimately thats what life is about "To love as I have loved you". I think this is what St. Paul was tallking about when he speaks of Love enduring.
We are beings created by love, in the image and likeness of love. Since the begining really our only purpose is to love and be loved. However, its alot easier said than done. We live in a world where love has been twisted, where divorce rates are soring and infidelity is something that people film for entertainment. How are we to love if we never have a clear example of how to love, and how do we know what it means to be loved when we have never exeprienced it.
I can only speak for myself but, when I am with the person I love the most and you know who you are. I want to be by there side through everything, the good, the bad, the ugly. At every moment I want to make them smile, and I want to wrap my arms around them when they cry. I want to comfort them, but most of all even when they make a mistake I still want to be there. I want to endure with this person. Also I know that when I see this person smile it brings a warmth to my heart that I cant explain. And when we talk I could just listen for hours and still be happy. Even though I am scared of what may come, when I am around them I feel something that I only experience in one other place and that is peace. Maybe I crazy or out of my mind but "Love that is not madness is not love."
I dont know if this post makes any sense it may seem like a bunh of ramblimg but idk it was on my mind so I figured I would share.
Response
I wish I had magic words that could take it all away. The pain that you are feeling I cant understand. But I do know that it isn't something you have to endure alone. If there was a song I could sing or a poem I could write. Or maybe play something on the piano to make you feel better I would do it. After i read what you wrote a song popped into my head:
You had a lot of crooks tryna steal your heart
Never really had luck, couldn’t never figure out
How to love
How to love
You had a lot of moments that didn’t last forever
Now you in the corner tryna put it together
How to love
How to love
For a second you were here
Why you over there?
Its hard not to stare, the way you moving your body
Like you never had a love
Never had a love
When you was just a young’un you’re looks but so precious
But now your grown up
So fly its like a blessing but you can’t have a man look at you for 5 seconds
Without you being insecure
You never credit yourself so when you got older
It’s seems like you came back 10 times over
Now you’re sitting here in this damn corner
Looking through all your thoughts and looking over your shoulder
See you had a lot of crooks tryna steal your heart
Never really had luck, couldn’t never figure out
How to love
How to love
See you had a lot of moments that didn’t last forever
Now you in the corner tryna put it together
How to love
How to love
For a second you were here
Why you over there?
Its hard not to stare the way you moving your body
Like you never had a love
Had a love
You had a lot of dreams that transform to visions
The fact that you saw the world affected all your decisions
But it wasn’t your fault
Wasn’t in your intentions
You the one here talking to me
You don’t wanna listen
But I admire your poppin bottles and dippin’
Just as much as you admire bartending and stripping
Baby, so don’t be mad
Nobody else trippin
You see a lot of crooks and the crooks still crook
See You had a lot of crooks tryna steal your heart
Never really had luck, couldn’t never figure out
How to love
How to love
See you had a lot of moments that didn’t last forever
Now you in the corner tryna put it together
How to love
How to love
Oooh,
See I just want you to know
That you deserve the best
You’re beautiful
You’re beautiful
Yeah
And I want you to know, you’re far from the usual
Far from the usual
You see you had a lot of crooks tryna steal your heart
Never really had luck, couldn’t never figure out
How to love
How to love
See you had a lot of moments that didn’t last forever
Now you in the corner tryna put it together
How to love
How to love
See you had a lot of crooks tryna steal your heart
Never really had luck, couldn’t never figure out
How to love
How to love
See you had a lot of moments that didn’t last forever
Now you in the corner tryna put it together
How to love
How to love
Where I think its different is that from what I've seen and read its not that you don't know how to love but, its a matter of how to be loved. I'm sorry for everything that has happened to you and I wish I could change alot of things, but one of the things I have always admired about you is that no matter what even when the odds are against you, you still fight your way to the top. I will always be by your side no matter what, and I will always be here to support you. "When you're standing at the crossroads and don't know what path to choose, well let me come along, cuz EVEN IF your wrong, I'll stand by you." I don't know whats going to happen but I do know that no matter what I will always be faithful to you whether we are friends or more than that. I cant describe how much I Love You and I probably never will, but I know as long as you are here I will do everything I can to show you.
You had a lot of crooks tryna steal your heart
Never really had luck, couldn’t never figure out
How to love
How to love
You had a lot of moments that didn’t last forever
Now you in the corner tryna put it together
How to love
How to love
For a second you were here
Why you over there?
Its hard not to stare, the way you moving your body
Like you never had a love
Never had a love
When you was just a young’un you’re looks but so precious
But now your grown up
So fly its like a blessing but you can’t have a man look at you for 5 seconds
Without you being insecure
You never credit yourself so when you got older
It’s seems like you came back 10 times over
Now you’re sitting here in this damn corner
Looking through all your thoughts and looking over your shoulder
See you had a lot of crooks tryna steal your heart
Never really had luck, couldn’t never figure out
How to love
How to love
See you had a lot of moments that didn’t last forever
Now you in the corner tryna put it together
How to love
How to love
For a second you were here
Why you over there?
Its hard not to stare the way you moving your body
Like you never had a love
Had a love
You had a lot of dreams that transform to visions
The fact that you saw the world affected all your decisions
But it wasn’t your fault
Wasn’t in your intentions
You the one here talking to me
You don’t wanna listen
But I admire your poppin bottles and dippin’
Just as much as you admire bartending and stripping
Baby, so don’t be mad
Nobody else trippin
You see a lot of crooks and the crooks still crook
See You had a lot of crooks tryna steal your heart
Never really had luck, couldn’t never figure out
How to love
How to love
See you had a lot of moments that didn’t last forever
Now you in the corner tryna put it together
How to love
How to love
Oooh,
See I just want you to know
That you deserve the best
You’re beautiful
You’re beautiful
Yeah
And I want you to know, you’re far from the usual
Far from the usual
You see you had a lot of crooks tryna steal your heart
Never really had luck, couldn’t never figure out
How to love
How to love
See you had a lot of moments that didn’t last forever
Now you in the corner tryna put it together
How to love
How to love
See you had a lot of crooks tryna steal your heart
Never really had luck, couldn’t never figure out
How to love
How to love
See you had a lot of moments that didn’t last forever
Now you in the corner tryna put it together
How to love
How to love
Where I think its different is that from what I've seen and read its not that you don't know how to love but, its a matter of how to be loved. I'm sorry for everything that has happened to you and I wish I could change alot of things, but one of the things I have always admired about you is that no matter what even when the odds are against you, you still fight your way to the top. I will always be by your side no matter what, and I will always be here to support you. "When you're standing at the crossroads and don't know what path to choose, well let me come along, cuz EVEN IF your wrong, I'll stand by you." I don't know whats going to happen but I do know that no matter what I will always be faithful to you whether we are friends or more than that. I cant describe how much I Love You and I probably never will, but I know as long as you are here I will do everything I can to show you.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
is it wrong for me to be sensitive. for some reason apparently society dictates that a man who is sensitive or nice is womanly. ill admit i appreciate things like poetry and nature but i guess expressing these things is bad right. i mean god forbid there is a guy out it in the world who actually thinks right. its upsetting when my people close to me dont appreciate me for me.
but amidst all the chastisement there is one person who appreciates me because im romantic, and sensitive. you really dont understand how much it means to me. your the only person who gets me and likes me for me, i dont have to put on a facade. i dont know how to express how i feel but i will do my best.
i love you.
but amidst all the chastisement there is one person who appreciates me because im romantic, and sensitive. you really dont understand how much it means to me. your the only person who gets me and likes me for me, i dont have to put on a facade. i dont know how to express how i feel but i will do my best.
i love you.
Friday, September 2, 2011
An Announcement
ladies and gentlemen may i have your attention please,
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
thank you, that is all.
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
thank you, that is all.
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