So This is Christmas.

It seems like Just the other day i was blowing out birthday candles for myself in July, and now Christmas is upon us. On this night God came to us in the form of an infant child. The Creator of the universe and the Giver of Life was born in a small little manger. Two days ago my Godson Joseph Bryan was Baptized he was born again through water and spirit and was given new life.  There is nothing more helpless than a human child. Nothing more fragile or weak than a baby. And our God the one who breathed life into you and me made himself vulnerable for us. Love is the most difficult thing to understand and yet it is spelled out in a three letter word, G-o-d.  When you are the most loving to somebody is when you are the most you. But the problem we have in this society is that vulnerability is seen as being weak. That you shouldn't be you, that you should be somebody else and if you aren't then you are an outcast. But the creator of the universe, the Lord of Lords, King of Kings, became vulnerable, fragile, and weak for us. God was more God than ever before when he came to us as Jesus Christ the living, breathing word of God. A fragile child laying in a manger saved the world from eternal condemnation and showed us what Christmas really means. It is about Love. Take everything out, take out the gifts, take out the music, take out the tree, the lights and the hot chocolate, then look at what is left. A small, tiny infant child who's very name causes Angels to sing praises and the hosts of heaven to bow down.

In today's culture and society it is easy to get bogged down by all of the negativity in the world. It is easy to get tied up in all the latest trends and technology. It is easy to let others put you down and make you feel un-loved. But when you are on the verge of despair. When you feel like there is nobody out there. Stop and think about that small child who was born because he wanted to make himself open to you.

Calling It Quits

This is it, I am done I give up its over. I am tired of being the bad guy. I am tired of caring all it has done is put me in a bad situation.  I thought caring is what people are supposed to do but i guess not. All it does is piss people off make me look like a jackass. So i am done. I am sick and tired of people, i have come to the realization that the only "people" i am good with are the little people. Probably because they are to young to hate me. But its kinda funny.

Today was going well until a couple of hours ago and then everything went to hell in a hand basket. But i had to push it all aside because i had to babysit. I had just changed the child and put him in his PJ's and brought him downstairs for some milk and Goldfish (the snack that smiles back) . I had set him on the ground and he ate his Goldfish and sat on the floor while i read him a story.  After that i went to go grab his milk out of the fridge when when i noticed he wasn't on the floor. When i looked for him i found him attempting to crawl up the stairs but he had stopped just after the second step and he started crying. He was so tired he just couldn't do it anymore. So i picked him up and took him to his room where i started to rock him in his rocking chair.  He wrapped his arms around my neck and slowly drifted off to sleep.  But for that moment while he was in my nestled in my arms and asleep I noticed something. I was happy. I was at peace for that moment i didn't care about anything else in the world except this little guy i was holding.  All i knew is that he wanted somebody to love and hold him so i happily obliged him and then finally put him down in his crib.  If only God would give me more moments like that in my life, life would be so much nicer. 

At this point i don't think i have anybody else who reads my blog but i could be wrong. truth is i don't care anymore. I cant make people happy no matter how much i try.  I feel like my time has been wasted like i have been lied to and talked about and severely misunderstood. But you know what i think its like i said in my last blog. I think its time for a Change.  It may seem drastic but  hopefully it will put an end to all this nonesense.

The Gift

If there is one thing in the world i hate more than ever it is change. I hate having t move. I hate having to say goodbye to people. I hate when friendships change, hell i even hate when i have to change seats in school, but i am a creature of habit. I like things the way they are. Sure i may be messy and slightly disorganized but i know just where everything is so i can find it.

I feel like something is changing and i don't know if i like it. what it is exactly i don't know but i know something is changing. Today i made a bit of an interesting discovery. I was listening to Pandora radio when i got tired of listening to the music that was playing. It's not that i am tired of music, i just didn't want to hear the words. For the past month now i have listened to strictly instrumental music no singing, no lyrics, just the soft sound of the piano. 

On December 25th it'll be the 7 year anniversary of me getting my piano. there has never ever been a gift in the world that has been able to top that gift.  Surprisingly enough it was from the one person who i would never have expected it from, my dad. Now my dad and i don't really have much of a relationship but that is not why i am writing this.  it seems as of late the only thing that really wants me is that gift i got so many years ago. I know it sounds funny but when i sit down and play even if it is something i make up i just feel like nothing matters just the music.  When i listen to music i don't care what the person singing has to say. the instrument says it all..

For a long time i have always loved artists and bands that have deep meanings to their songs. But now i just don't care about that anymore i just want to hear the instrument. Things have not been going well recently, at least not socially. But regardless of who is mad or upset with me i know my piano will always be there to bring me comfort when i need it. I thank God for the gift he has given me.

I like the fact that few people understand or appreciate the music i listen too. If everybody did then it wouldn't be my escape. There is no better feeling then listening to how the notes of a piano can simply break your heart or fill you too the brim with joy.  I wish i could just lock myself in a room and play the piano till the day i die. No people no worries Just me and my gift.

Trudging Through the Storm

I am fairly absent minded person i forget things easily especially when it comes to school work. But when i try to forget something it always ends up popping back up.  Its funny even the slightest thing can trigger a memory of something, whether it be a smell, something you see or my case something i hear. 

I am trying to distance myself from a particular thought, and it isn't easy.  I know i have to for the good of well everybody i love and care about. But today is just one of those days between the rain and the CD i bought my sister for her birthday its just no fun.  Part of me doesn't want to forget, doesn't want me to let go. Part of me wants to hold on for dear life, but i cant.  If i don't forget, if i don't let go then i will just end up hurting people i love and care about even more. Too much has been done already and it needs to come to an end. Though part of me really doesn't want to i have no choice i have to just let go. For the sake of my friends and myself. God give me strength.

Words of Inspiration

Don't give up
It's just the weight of the world
When your heart's heavy
I...I will lift it for you

Don't give up
Because you want to be heard
If silence keeps you
I...I will break it for you

Everybody wants to be understood
Well I can hear you
Everybody wants to be loved
Don't give up
Because you are loved

Don't give up
It's just the hurt that you hide
When you're lost inside
I...I will be there to find you

Don't give up
Because you want to burn bright
If darkness blinds you
I...I will shine to guide you

Everybody wants to be understood
Well I can hear you
Everybody wants to be loved
Don't give up
Because you are loved

You are loved
Don't give up
It's just the weight of the world
Don't give up
Every one needs to be heard
You are loved

I think its funny no matter how much we are reminded of the fact that we are loved we still feel left out or feel like there is no hope. I found the song on YouTube its by Josh Groban probably one of the greatest singers i have ever heard.  And the lyrics sorta struck me. I go to mass every Sunday I sing songs of worship, and sometimes i feel just as empty when i walk out as i did when i walk in. But even if you don't feel it no that whoever you are that is reading this. You are Loved no matter how hard it may be to believe.

All I want for Christmas

And you ask me what I want this year
And I try to make this kind and clear
Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days
Cuz I don't need boxes wrapped in strings
And desire and love and empty things
Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days

And it's someplace simple where we could live
And something only you can give
And thats faith and trust and peace while we're alive
I wish everyone was loved tonight
And somehow stop this endless fight
Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days

If you want to know what i want for Christmas read the lyrics above.  I don't like asking for things. I feel uncomfortable about it.  I just want my friends and family to be happy.  If somebody i Love and care about is upset or sad or hurting. It doesn't matter what i get because it wont take the pain away for my friends or people who are suffering. So instead of sharing a gift or something monetary. Share a smile and help somebody feel better.

My entire life i have always been a romantic person. When i was in 1st grade there was this girl who i had the biggest crush on and right around Valentine's Day she wanted to be my girlfriend. I was so happy you have no idea how excited i was that she was going to be mine for Valentine's day. So that day i ran home from school and my mom and I went to the store to get cards for everybody in the class not just any cards though Rugrats cards. But before my mom and i left the store i stopped in the candy isle and grabbed a big heart shaped box of chocolates for my special Valentine.  Now i didn't know alot about assorted chocolates at the time but i knew that if it was gold and had a ribbon on it then it must be fancy. After spending hours that evening writing all of my friends names on the cards i went to bed so i could be bright eyed and bushy tailed the next tail.  When i woke the next day i was excited i cleverly hid the chocolates in my backpack so nobody would see them and then headed off to school with my cards.  As the day went on i felt like i was going to explode with excitement. I knew she would love the chocolates and she would wanna marry me and wed live happily ever after.  After we handed out our cards in class it was time for recess i quickly grabbed the chocolates out of my backpack and met her outside on the tire. Some of the other guys teased me about being silly and bringing a girl chocolates but i simply told them they had no class. When she saw the box of chocolates i could tell she was excited and that i had found my true soul-mate. She told me she had to go to the bathroom and shed be right back. Five whole minutes passed and i go worried so i went to go look for her only to find her kissing another boy and eating my chocolates!!! Needless to say i was "heart-brokeded".

My entire life i have never had much luck with women.  And when i think i have found that person i always end up being let down.  And finally when i do get into a serious relationship we end up getting to serious and all hell breaks loose.  Is this God's way of saying i shouldn't date. That he wants me to be a priest?  I would've settled for something a little less heartbreaking but hey i am not God.  If God wanted me to be a priest then why did he make me the way i am? The hopeless romantic who knows how to treat a woman properly? Am i a saint? No. But i am understanding and faithful.  Maybe i am crazy but last time i checked Romanticism and being single sorta don't mix. 

Now you may be reading this and are probably thinking ok what does this have to do with anything.  Well if i am supposed to be a Priest. At least as of right now that is what i feel God is calling me too then why am I in love?  why is it i want to be so much a part of this persons life even though i know i cant and probably never will be.  But i cant help it. I didn't ask for this it just happened.  But no matter how hard i try no matter what i do i just cant "fall out" of love.

God a little friendly advice...Pretty Please