To submit or not to submit, that is the question.

So I have always prided myself for my knack to write and write well. Of course my blog is not the best place to go if you want a good well written article mainly because it is personal and I like to NOT have to worry about grammar when I blog. Anyways, there is this thing called the Gila River Review and every year people submit stories, poetry, art, photography and some of them get published. I heard about this last year when I took my creative writing class and even though the idea of me getting published was enticing, I opted not too.

However, this year it is different I really want to write and submit my creativity to the Gila River Review but I don't know if I should. Is it fear of rejection that is stopping me from doing this or something else.  Most of the articles have to do with the southwest or things of that nature, which considering I have lived and breathed this culture my entire life it shouldn't be to hard...right?

Divine Romance

As I left my girlfriend's apartment last night I plugged my phone in to listen to music and the first song that came on was "Divine Romance" by Phil Wickham. This is one of my favorite worship songs ever, but for some reason I thought of it from a different perspective. The song talks about the beauty of God's divine romance with us humans, but I thought about what the song or at least the title would entail to a relationship between two people.

For the first time in awhile I went to confession AND received Jesus in the Eucharist and again, just like very time I was completely blown away by His infinite love and mercy. It is not humanely possible to describe how much God loves us. However, there are instances where that love is manifested in a relationship between two people. When I was in the confessional the priest said something to me that I knew, but I didn't really think about, he said, "The beginning of true love is selflessness".

It is my belief that every relationship (especially between two married people) is a manifestation of God's divine romance, of course we see that these things don't always work out. I love my girlfriend. Every time I see her regardless of the circumstances I feel like I fall in love with her all over again. My favorite quality is that her and I both share the same love for the Catholic Faith, the sacraments and, ministry.  This is the foundation of our relationship.

However, although we love each other and share a common faith, we are still human and like all humans we make mistakes, I am not going to sit here describe everything but I will share my thoughts and experience that I gained through this. The reason I held off on confession was because I didn't feel guilty, I felt no regret in my heart for my actions. How could I go to confession if I was not truly sorry. It wasn't until she said something that really got me thinking, "I really want to receive the Eucharist" and she wasn't the only one. This phrase had resonated with me and it got me thinking. Later on as the weeks went by I read something on a friends facebook profile that said "Guys, if you want to find your Mary, then start acting like a Joseph". It took some time for me to figure out why this affected me and alot of prayer.

Finally it happened, I realised what the issue was. The issue wasn't what we did, it was how it affected our relationship, not with each other, but with Christ. The center of every strong relationship must be God. Adam messed up because he failed to protect his wife from the wickedness and deceitfulness of the devil, I don't want to be an Adam, I want to be a Joseph. What my girlfriend and I have is something beautiful that I hope everyone will experience. However, it is not just because our relationship with each other, but with our relationship with God this isn't just our romance but it is his Divine Romance.

im not angry with how you feel. in a way i understand what your going through.
but the only thing i feel is fear. fear that im not good enough which i really dont think i am.
i want to help i really do, but how can i when i dont understand. nine years ago i wouldve been able to understand but its been so long since ive been there and i really dont wanna go back.  i will stand by you, i will help you in anyway i can. i love you.

Why?

Have you ever felt like you have to write about something, but you don't know what to write about?

I am sitting here in my computer class trying to figure out why I am blogging right now. I haven't had much reason nor desire to blog recently, but I feel like something needs to get out. What it is? I do not  know.
It seems that anguish has struck on different fronts for people, people I care about and I am unsure as to what I must do, what my role is in all of this. I want to help but I don't know how. I pray for them all the time and try to comfort when I can but it doesn't seem like its enough.

And yet...for some reason in the back of my mind I feel like I know what to do, like there is an answer that I just can't think of. Like when you have those moments of familiarity with something you have never encountered before. I almost don't want to publish this blog, mainly because I already know the reactions I am going to get from my avid readers.

On a different note, things have been going well for me. I have an interview next Friday for a job that could really change things around for me. I have been waiting for so long for the phone call I got yesterday and I must say there is so much truth to the statement "Good things come to those who wait". I just hope all goes well and I don't mess up.

I feel like I am just rambling here, I really have no reason for blogging other than this curious feeling I have. Well I guess that's all I have to say right now. Now to go see someone very special :)