War in my Head.

Have you ever felt trapped in your own head? Have you ever felt like there is a war going on and you dont know which side to be on? No scratch that you, do know what side to be on but if you take that side you might loose? I am fighting this battle in my head trying everything I can to not lose myself...but how do you do that when you dont know who you are? Where are you when I need you?

Quiet on Set

There is clamoring all around, orders being shouted and people getting into place.

"Quiet on the set!" shouts the director, and all goes quite. The actor takes his position ready to go to work. "Lights, camera, and ACTION!"

The lights dim, the quiet hum of the cameras can barely be heard, and the director sits and waits.

So there I stand, my set is before me and yet....the words are not there, oh my God I have forgotten who I am, I cant remember my lines. Time seems to be at a stand still and everybody is watching me, waiting for something to happen, but I cant move. I cant do...anything I feel like my identity is gone, and I no not who I am. My role, my character, in this comedy called life seems to be just a shadow, a sillhouette in the dark, a shell of my former self. How can the show go on if I dont know who I am? How am I suppose to continue without my lines or my script? I have been called many things in my life but, these are all just titles, they explain what I am or what I may do but none of them, not a single one can tell me who I am. I just want to be me, but how can I do that if I dont even know who the hell I am?

A little light

A little light goes a long way. Especially when that light is well...God. See I have sort of been lying to myself and others. I never actually wanted to be a priest nor did I want to be a dad. See if you have never met my dad then it will be sorta hard to understand this blog, but to put it simply he sucks as a father. He has never been there, he kidnapped me and left me with a woman who murdered her daughter and then shot herself. He never lifted a finger to help when I was sick, and he manipulated my mother. Now the problem is if you were to put my dad and I side by side you would instantly be able to tell I am his son. I know I inherited a lot of his traits. I hate sometimes how much we share i do everything in my power to not be like him. My biggest fear is that I am gonna end up like him. I don't want to be that type of father I dont want to be like him but I know that he is a part of me.

When I became Catholic I found a way out, the Priesthood, a bit drastic sure but it was a sure fire way to make sure I didn't end up well a terrible dad. But again I hit a snag, the fact that I would have to live pretty much alone my entire life. Sure I'd have serve people but the thing is I never have had a problem with that in fact I love helping people, I love teaching and bringing people closer to Christ. But I am not really the holiest person in the world, that and I fell in love with someone, like fell really hard. So this entire time i have been avoiding being a father because I dont want to be horrible, and i have been fighting the priesthood because I dont want to be alone and well unrequited love makes discernment difficult...very difficult.

Now this whole thing has put me in a terrible spot, because I really have no idea what I want now. During this past weekend God did something he shed some light in my heart and made me realized that my sperm donor was never my dad, somebody else was, and its taken me this long to realize it. I also realized that for me one of the most amazing things for me was watching teens go to confession, and actually talking one through her first one, I helped her overcome her fear of the confessional and because of that it was her first confession in 7 years. I also get excited at the thought of hearing confessions and celebrating Mass.

Before this conference I was doing things out of fear, I was trying to use two sacraments as a means of running away. But now I feel like for the first time I am actually legitimately ready to discern my vocation.

White Page

I recently discovered Mumford and Sons and I  must they have amazing music.

Can you lie next to her

And give her your heart, your heart

As well as your body

And can you lie next to her

And confess your love, your love

As well as your folly

And can you kneel before the king

And say I'm clean, I'm clean

But tell me now, where was my fault

In loving you with my whole heart

Oh tell me now, where was my fault

In loving you with my whole heart

A white blank page and a swelling rage, rage

You did not think when you sent me to the grave, the grave

You desired my attention but denied my affections, my affections

Lead me to the truth and I will follow you with my whole life

Lead me to the truth and I will follow you with my whole life

Breaking Point

i cant take it anymore. i am so sick and tired of being where i am. i am tired of the pain, i am tired of hardly having the strength to do things that nobody else has a problem with. i am tired of every breath just bringing more pain, or the fact that i something like taking a shower is such hard work and takes so much energy. when i got home from work on  sunday at two thirty i didnt wake up till nine o clock the next morning. i barely survived the ben folds concert that night i almost asked for the car keys so i could just lay down in the back seat till it was over but i somehow managed. i cant take the emotional pain either idk if its because of my illness or because im still very much in love with her but i cant stop myself from crying. and the worst part of it all  is this overwhelming sense of loneliness that i feel, because the one person who loved me and actually cared no longer wants anything to do with me. not to mention the medication i am on to reduce my ticks hasnt helped at all. i swear i have seen women in labor who are more cool headed than i am now. i just want it all to end, i want my friends back and i want my health bac. im reaching my breaking point idk how much longer i can last.

I Miss You

where are you and im so sorry
i cannot sleep i cannot dream tonite.
i need somebody and always this sick strange darkness,
comes creeping up so haunting every night
and as i stare i counted the webs from all the spiders catching things and eating their insides
like incisional caiou.

once upon a time i was falling in love, now im only falling apart.

Mumford and Sons

Weep for yourself, my man,
You'll never be what is in your heart
Weep little lion man,
You're not as brave as you were at the start
Rate yourself and rake yourself,
Take all the courage you have left
Wasted on fixing all the problems that you made in your own head

But it was not your fault but mine
and it was your heart on the line
I really fucked it up this time
Didn't I, my dear? didn't i my Dear

Tremble for yourself, my man,
You know that you have seen this all before
Tremble little lion man,
You'll never settle any of your score
Your grace is wasted in your face,
Your boldness stands alone among the wreck
now learn from your mother or else I spend your days biting
your own neck



But it was not your fault but mine
and it was your heart on the line
I really fucked it up this time
didn't I, my dear?  didn't I my dear?



(chorus)

But it was not your fault but mine
and it was your heart on the line
I really fucked it up this time
didn't i my dear?

where Is my Mind

i feel like i am losing myself, i dont know who i am anymore. i see bits an pieces, fragments like shattered glass and i see shards of myself but i hate what i see. i feel like me feet are in the air and my head is in the ground. i feel myself slipping. i wish i could talk to you

Distance

You dont have to read this, just thoughts that have been keeping me up at night.

Things feel like they are spiraling out of control. Physically, emotionally, psychologically. I feel like I am hanging on for dear life. I feel the war being waged inside of my heart, I feel this...thing constantly swirling and squeezing itself ever tighter around my heart.  There is nothing more painful then seeing someone you love suffering and you cant do anything about it. Its torture, pure torture. I feel selfish writing this but I have too, I need some sort of outlet. There hasnt been a single night where I havent thought about you. I often sometimes wonder if you ever think about me like a passing glance or something, maybe I'm just stupid idk, but there is nothing worse than this lingering fear in my head. It comes and goes and i try to fight it but sometimes it is just to much. I dont want to lose you. I Love You more than anything and yet all I can do is watch from a distance. I feel like a ghost just standing there slowly dissipating in the wind trying to reach out but only falling on deaf ears.  Im sorry I really am I never wanted this, any of this. I miss you in my life.

I dont know if you read this still, I know we said some harsh words and I am sorry, I didnt mean what I said, I was just angry. I hope you can forgive me and I hope that you still love me.