Expectations

i feel thin, and not in a good way. like butter spread over to much toast. last week was hell for me and this week isnt shaping up to much better. howerver, i feel like i am the only one to blame for this. when i started my job i had this idea. the idea that everyone in the healthcare field cares about people. the idea that teamwork actually meant something and that through teamwork the people in need get provided the best care possible. well it seems the more time i spend working the more i begin to realize nobody really does. or maybe not enough people do. its bad enough i work night shifts which is a challenege within itself. my internal clock is all screwed up and out of whack and my when body sorta adjust i throw it for a loop and am up all day due to school. and after school when my brain and body want some rest a moment of peace im back to the grindstone running between patientms rooms chasing demented people and cleaning up those who cant clean themselves. the work is physically taxing and ardous but i do feel good about myself when i leave for home. but recently ive started to feel angry, and bitter. ive been feeling cheated and lied to. at night there are only two people on the floor myself and then the nurse. we are supposed to be a team and work together to provide the best care for sixteen individuals. but what happens when one person is stuck doing all the work. when i am the one running up on my feet for eight fucking hours without a single chance to sit because the other person im working with finds paperwork to be so important thag its ok to neglect patients when the call. to leave it all to me. so you can get done on time and im stuck staying an hour or two late. im exhausted physically i go to school and i try to focus but everything seems fuzzy i have to ask my professors to repeat themselves because i cant understand what they are talking about. my fiancee the person i love and want to spend the rest of my life with gets mad and frustrated because i am forgetful and things dont stick as well as they used too. all i am asking is for a little help and maybe some understanding. i was told that the reason im so upset is because i expect too much out of people. that i expect them to care as much as i do. but honestly when was expecting someone to do their job asking too much. when was asking for help to take care of other people so that the quality of care is at the high standard we are supposed to hold ourselves to. i love my job. i hold myself to a very high standard when i work but it seems that in doing so i am border line killing myself...maybe thats the problem. maybe my standards are too high as well as my expectations. maybe i should just throw my hands up and say fuck it. i feel awful i want to be able to do everything i wish i didnt feel so foggy mentally i wish this could be easier. i wish sometimes i didnt care so much. i wish i wasnt so weak.