how do u fall out of love. how can u let go of something that feels right. everybody says i have too that i need to but i dont even know what or how i am supposed to do that. am i just supposed to forget. how do forget something that is embedded in my heart. this is what everybody is telling me to do but nobody has offered me any insight or help. you need to move on and stop complaining thats what i keep hearing but how. whenever i talk to god he affirms my feelings. im so confused.

I need somebody.

I always find it odd that whenever i really need someone nobody is around. It just happens that i have been crying..no balling the past three days. I don't wan to talk i don't want to think i just want to get it all out. But i, cant love isn't something that just goes away. Its embroidered in my soul and it will never go away.

Monday night i had the most amazing experience with the most beautiful woman in the world.  As train says "The weight has finally lifted, and love has finally shifted my way." I actually thought God was finally going to let me love the person who i have wanted to my entire life. But just as quickly as Monday came it went and now i find myself trying to not shortout my keyboard from all the tears that are falling from my face. I have no one to talk to because all of my friends are on a retreat, and the only person who is here with me is dealing with alot. So in short i am all alone. Idk what to do. I was so happy and i was so at peace with everything in the world and now its all gone.  the memory of that night is so wonderful and beautiful but then reality hits and i realize that it was only for one night.  Everybody probably thinks i am crazy and if you do fine i don't care. I am in love.

See the different with this person is that no matter how much it hurts, no matter how hard it is. I will always love her unconditionally. Look up unconditional love and tell me what you find. Idk if i am just an emotional masochist. But i will say that God put her in my life for a reason.  I don't care how long i have to wait. I don't care how long it takes. There will never be another woman for me. She is the only one. And if she chooses someone else then so be it as long as she is happy and as long as she knows i will ALWAYS love her no matter what.

Something for you.

You walk in beauty, like the night

   Of cloudless climes and starry skies;

And all that’s best of dark and bright

   Meet in your aspect and your eyes;

Thus mellowed to that tender light

   Which heaven to gaudy day denies.

One shade the more, one ray the less,

   Had half impaired the nameless grace

Which waves in every raven tress,

   Or softly lightens o’er her face;

Where thoughts serenely sweet express,

   How pure, how dear their dwelling-place.

And on that cheek, and o’er that brow,

   So soft, so calm, yet eloquent,

The smiles that win, the tints that glow,

   But tell of days in goodness spent,

A mind at peace with all below,

   A heart whose love is innocent!

Doubt

For just one moment i ask if you are religious or Christian ask yourself this question, what if there is no God. What would happen to your way of life? Would you be shaken at the very core? Would the values that you hold dear because of the dogmatic view you have taken on life still mean anything to you? Would the Human Spirit simply be a myth? Would you panic and end everything right there and while asking yourself, "what is the point?" Would love be proven to be a made up feeling? Would the term broken hearted mean anything anymore, along with the phrase I Love You?

What if you are Atheist and reading this? Then think for a moment if God showed himself to the world, giving empirical evidence of his existence what would you do? Would you become a Christian? Would it be easier to forgive those who have wronged you? What about those you have wronged? Would you Apologize? Would your existence lose meaning? Would you end your life right there saying to yourself "its too late for me now?" Would the phrase  I Love You mean more to you than it ever did?

These questions are constantly running through my head I am on a fine thread where on one side is doubt and disbelief while the other side is complete and total belief. however, i am being held back from either side, i have been caught smack dab in the middle and i am asking myself where do i stand?

...

 sometimes the most painful words are the ones that are left unsaid.

What're the odds?

So i am pretty sure i am sick and tired of love. All it has done is cause me pain and anger. Sure there have been a few moments where something good has come out of it but for the most part i simply get burned.

If i could i would simply detach myself from love, but because i am Catholic i am forced to love unconditionally. Which i try my best to do. But it would be so much easier to simply detach my self from love and from people. I spend most of my time alone in my room or reading a book. The most interaction i get with people is via facebook or text messaging. So i have no problem being alone.  I do however have a huge problem with being forced to feel this emotion of love towards people only to have them ripped away by..dare i say God? Or maybe it is chance, but if you believe in God then there is no chance right? Don't worry nobody is dead yet but i am gonna throw some numbers at you and you tell me what the odds are.

Over 2,000 U.S. Soldier casualties since the war has started 1,334 have been in Afghanistan
and so far in this year 2011 86% of deaths  have been caused by IEDs.

My brother was on a Naval ship that had roughly 600 sailors, His Job was Inventory Specialist his field of work Logistics. out of the 600, 1 gets chosen to go to Ft. Dicks, NJ and train for infantry work he has been there for a little over a month and out of the 158 soldiers that were in his unit, Guess how many get to go home and see their families....157 take a wild guess at who the on person is who wont get to see his family is

If you guessed my brother you are correct, remind me to give you a pat on the back next time i see you. So why the IED stats well its simple. My brother is going to be a driver and who  do the IEDs affect? That's right the people driving vehicles. I like to think that everything is going to be ok but numbers don't lie. But you know who does? The military. But maybe that is just a biased i have.

But who knows maybe the odds can be beaten. I like to think they can be but at the same i ask myself. What're the odds?