Alone

I lift my eyes to the Lord and I feel as though I've been abandoned. There is a man tormented by something, what it is? I don't know. But it is so bad that He has to take a ridiculous amount of drugs. He isn't gonna live much longer I give him maybe 3 hrs. He has all alone. No family, no friends just an empty room in an unfamiliar place. Of all nights to have a patient like this I find it ironic Its tonight. Is this a sign? Something for me to look forward too?  What demons haunt this man? Will God not grant him a peaceful death? He's alone can't he at least be set free from his Demons? Kyrie Eleison.

Lead Me

I look around and see my wonderful life
Almost perfect from the outside
In picture frames I see my beautiful wife
Always smiling
But on the inside, I can hear her saying...

"Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, what about us?

Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone"

I see their faces, look in their innocent eyes
They're just children from the outside
I'm working hard, I tell myself they'll be fine
They're in independent
But on the inside, I can hear them saying...

"Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, but what about us?

Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone"

So Father, give me the strength
To be everything I'm called to be
Oh, Father, show me the way
To lead them
Won't You lead me?

To lead them with strong hands
To stand up when they can't
Don't want to leave them hungry for love,
Chasing things that I could give up

I'll show them I'm willing to fight
And give them the best of my life
So we can call this our home
Lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone

Father, lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone

When the days are cold
And the cards all fold
And the saints we see
Are all made of gold

When your dreams all fail
And the ones we hail
Are the worst of all
And the blood's run stale

I want to hide the truth
I want to shelter you
But with the beast inside
There's nowhere we can hide

No matter what we breed
We still are made of greed
This is my kingdom come
This is my kingdom come

When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
It's where my demons hide
It's where my demons hide

Don't get too close
It's dark inside
It's where my demons hide
It's where my demons hide

When the curtains fall
It's the last of all
When the lights fade out
All the sinners crawl

So they dug your grave
And the masquerade
Will come calling out
At the mess you've made

Don't wanna let you down
But I am hell bound
Though this is all for you
Don't want to hide the truth

No matter what we breed
We still are made of greed
This is my kingdom come
This is my kingdom come

When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
It's where my demons hide
It's where my demons hide

Don't get too close
It's dark inside
It's where my demons hide
It's where my demons hide

They say it's what you make
I say it's up to fate
It's woven in my soul
I need to let you go

Your eyes, they shine so bright
I want to save that light
I can't escape this now
Unless you show me how

When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
It's where my demons hide
It's where my demons hide

Don't get too close
It's dark inside
It's where my demons hide
It's where my demons hide

Expectations

i feel thin, and not in a good way. like butter spread over to much toast. last week was hell for me and this week isnt shaping up to much better. howerver, i feel like i am the only one to blame for this. when i started my job i had this idea. the idea that everyone in the healthcare field cares about people. the idea that teamwork actually meant something and that through teamwork the people in need get provided the best care possible. well it seems the more time i spend working the more i begin to realize nobody really does. or maybe not enough people do. its bad enough i work night shifts which is a challenege within itself. my internal clock is all screwed up and out of whack and my when body sorta adjust i throw it for a loop and am up all day due to school. and after school when my brain and body want some rest a moment of peace im back to the grindstone running between patientms rooms chasing demented people and cleaning up those who cant clean themselves. the work is physically taxing and ardous but i do feel good about myself when i leave for home. but recently ive started to feel angry, and bitter. ive been feeling cheated and lied to. at night there are only two people on the floor myself and then the nurse. we are supposed to be a team and work together to provide the best care for sixteen individuals. but what happens when one person is stuck doing all the work. when i am the one running up on my feet for eight fucking hours without a single chance to sit because the other person im working with finds paperwork to be so important thag its ok to neglect patients when the call. to leave it all to me. so you can get done on time and im stuck staying an hour or two late. im exhausted physically i go to school and i try to focus but everything seems fuzzy i have to ask my professors to repeat themselves because i cant understand what they are talking about. my fiancee the person i love and want to spend the rest of my life with gets mad and frustrated because i am forgetful and things dont stick as well as they used too. all i am asking is for a little help and maybe some understanding. i was told that the reason im so upset is because i expect too much out of people. that i expect them to care as much as i do. but honestly when was expecting someone to do their job asking too much. when was asking for help to take care of other people so that the quality of care is at the high standard we are supposed to hold ourselves to. i love my job. i hold myself to a very high standard when i work but it seems that in doing so i am border line killing myself...maybe thats the problem. maybe my standards are too high as well as my expectations. maybe i should just throw my hands up and say fuck it. i feel awful i want to be able to do everything i wish i didnt feel so foggy mentally i wish this could be easier. i wish sometimes i didnt care so much. i wish i wasnt so weak.

Made of Clay

it says that we are made from clay, ya know dirt from the earth. i am not one to judge but i feel like that may have been a poor choice of natural resource to make humanity out of. if clay gets to wet it gets to soggy and falls apart, too hot and the clay cracks and breaks. either way this particular piece of clay feels like he is reaching his cracking point. the heat is too much  to handle and i can feel myself drying out and slowly starting to crack. i guess wr all have our breaking points.

Flagpole Sitta

For some reason I have had this song stuck in my head for awhile and it is just the first stanza that keeps repeating over and over again.

 I had visions, I was in them
I was looking into the mirror
to see a little bit clearer
rottenness and evil in me.

 

How did I get to this point in my life? How did I get so bent out of whack? So...warped, like a plastic container stuck in the oven when it wasn't supposed to be. The worst part is I feel like there really isn't anyone I can talk to. At least not someone who understands. Sure there are people who will listen but nobody who really knows, and even then I will never be able to tell everything, because well, it' complicated. Maybe what happened isn't the problem maybe it is just the guilt I feel that has been gnawing away at me for all these years. And of course the only person really to blame is myself. I get so frustrated sometimes with myself and everything I have done and everything that has happened. I'm just tired of it all. I just want to go away, but it can't and it never will. No matter how hard I try no matter how fat I run it will be right there behind me staring me straight in the face. Why can't I just find some peace of mind?

 

I'm not sick but I'm not well.



Under the Bridge

I hate constantly feeling like I am not good enough. I thought that something would've changed since we first met, but I don't know this just feels all to familiar to me. I have tried so hard to change and be a better a person. I have started seeing some one to help deal with things in the past that have been left untouched for far too long. And yet no matter how I try to explain things to make you understand, to show you that you are important to me and I would do anything for you it just isn't enough. I am tired of being misunderstood and under appreciated. I mean come one "I didn't ask you to do that"? Really you might as well slap me in the face....seriously.

Maybe thought this is what I deserve I mean I will admit I have been far from perfect and I did do some horrible things. But I am trying to make amends and well apparently that was stupid of me. I feel like all that ever happens is that everything just gets thrown back in my face.

I guess I should just face the music and realize that nothing I ever do will ever be good enough.