Flagpole Sitta

For some reason I have had this song stuck in my head for awhile and it is just the first stanza that keeps repeating over and over again.

 I had visions, I was in them
I was looking into the mirror
to see a little bit clearer
rottenness and evil in me.

 

How did I get to this point in my life? How did I get so bent out of whack? So...warped, like a plastic container stuck in the oven when it wasn't supposed to be. The worst part is I feel like there really isn't anyone I can talk to. At least not someone who understands. Sure there are people who will listen but nobody who really knows, and even then I will never be able to tell everything, because well, it' complicated. Maybe what happened isn't the problem maybe it is just the guilt I feel that has been gnawing away at me for all these years. And of course the only person really to blame is myself. I get so frustrated sometimes with myself and everything I have done and everything that has happened. I'm just tired of it all. I just want to go away, but it can't and it never will. No matter how hard I try no matter how fat I run it will be right there behind me staring me straight in the face. Why can't I just find some peace of mind?

 

I'm not sick but I'm not well.



Under the Bridge

I hate constantly feeling like I am not good enough. I thought that something would've changed since we first met, but I don't know this just feels all to familiar to me. I have tried so hard to change and be a better a person. I have started seeing some one to help deal with things in the past that have been left untouched for far too long. And yet no matter how I try to explain things to make you understand, to show you that you are important to me and I would do anything for you it just isn't enough. I am tired of being misunderstood and under appreciated. I mean come one "I didn't ask you to do that"? Really you might as well slap me in the face....seriously.

Maybe thought this is what I deserve I mean I will admit I have been far from perfect and I did do some horrible things. But I am trying to make amends and well apparently that was stupid of me. I feel like all that ever happens is that everything just gets thrown back in my face.

I guess I should just face the music and realize that nothing I ever do will ever be good enough.